SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In most states in the US, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway, when temps drop to single digits or below.

About 3 a.m, a Montana State Trooper responded to a vehicle off the shoulder of the road with the engine running. He found an elderly man passed out with an empty bottle of vodka on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper rapped on the window.When he saw the flashing lights and the trooper standing next to him, he jerked the car into 'drive' and hit the gas. The speedometer was showing 20...30...40...50 mph although he was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning !

The trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) vehicle. The driver freaked thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. Then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER !"  The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say he was arrested, shaking his head over the State Trooper who could run 50 mph.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?

Patient:  "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor:   "Don't answer."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."  The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on The Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q:   Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A:   Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Henny Youngman

              Happy Groundhog day !

I guess Punxatawny Pete saw his shadow.... 6 more weeks of winter. I wish someone would bop him in the head when he sticks it out of his hole..

A man who was born in Australia, went to the doctor to have his wedding ring removed from his penis...

According to the nurse who attended the procedure, the patient's girlfriend had found the ring in one of his pockets. She had not known he was married, and was so cross she used petrolium jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he slept.

I don't know what's worse:

1. Having your girlfriend discover that you are married...or

2. Explaining to your wife how it got on there... or

3. Finding out your penis fits through the ring!!

Tough call.... you decide.

More quips by Henny Youngman:

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"  "Not too good." said the mother, "I've been very weak."  ....

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible !"

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want to have my mouth full in case you should call."  

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes...

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candle light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of each curtain rod...

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly the house began to smell...

They tried everything; mopping, cleaning, and airing -out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked !

Repairmen refused to work in the house...

People stopped coming over...

The maid quit.

Finally they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move...But a month later, even though they'd cut their price in half, they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that wasly 1/10th of what the house had been worth.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....

and to spite the ex-wife.......  they even took the curtain rods! 

I love a happy ending, don't you?  

Question.  Where do the Irish keep their armies?

answer.  Up their sleevies .

      welcome to our newest cyber friend:

                CHELLINNI

     May you find a few smiles everyday !   

     VALENTINE PICKUP LINES:

    I lost my phone number, could I have yours?

    Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

    Would you like to be king/queen of my double-wide trailer?

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told him you loved him?"

Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

"I love you sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and read aloud the text message they recieved in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1.  Who the hell is this?

2.  Eh, the mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3.  Yeah, and I love you too, what's up with you?

4.  What now? Did you crash the car again?

5.  I don't understand what you mean.

6.  What the hell did you do now?

7.  ?!?

8.  Don't beat about the bush...just tell me how much you need?

9.  Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to live with us, isn't she??