SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, when we want to see her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                     DUMB MEN JOKES

What does a man consider a 7 course meal?

     A hot dog and a six pack.

How do men exercise at the beach?

   By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?

  We cook/they eat...  we clean/they dirty... we iron/ they wrinkle.

What did God say after He created man?

    I can do better than this...

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

BEST VALENTINE PICKUP LINES........

Would you like to be Queen of my double-wide trailer?

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man:  "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,grandchildren, and great-granchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest:   "  Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man:   "What sins?"

Priest:  " What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man:  " I'm Jewish."

Priest: "  Why are you telling me all this?"

Man:  " I'm 92 years old...... I'm telling everybody !  "   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

There was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face." 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An oldie, but a goodie....

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call...The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3yr.old girl to hold the flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently she did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him up by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry.

The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little 3 yr.old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded... "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his a-- again !"   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One of the most irritating sounds has always been the scraping of fingers nails across a blackboard... until last week. Now it's.. "Welcome aboard Carnival Cruise Lines." 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately I've forgotten to zip up." ..

"That's not senility" replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down !"   

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Don't you realize you've had it?"  replies the woman.

"Oh, sorry." says the old man, "How much do I owe you?"  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

So, I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that read "Guess" on it. So I said.....

"Implants?"

The #@!*  hit me !!"    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A 16-yr.0ld boy came home with a new SUV and his parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that truck?"  He calmly told them I bought it today.".....

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."  So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a new SUV like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked if I wanted to buy an SUV for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, my goodness!" moaned his mother. "She must be a nut, who knows what she'll do next?"  John go up to her house and see what's going on."  So the boy's father walked up to the street where the lady lived and found her out in the yard planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new vehicle for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it....

"Well," she said, "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.)

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new SUV and send him money.....

So I did.