SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me  

four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'  

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'  

'Twelve thirty.'  

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous  

young woman on his arm.  

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really  

doing great, aren't you?'  

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be  

cheerful.'' 

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be  

careful.'  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BettyCM

BettyCM   thanks for posting !    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY BonnieC10

LAISSEZ  LE BON TEMPS ROULER  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a Rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss..

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed!

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I thought that I could love no other,

Until, that is, I met your brother.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

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Of loving beauty you float with grace,

If only you could hide your face.

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Kind, intelligent, loving and hotThis describes everything you are not !

*****************************************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

******************************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife

Marrying you screwed up my life.

******************************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************************

My love, you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

*******************************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "GO TO HELL!"

*******************************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A passenger in a cab leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver asked, "Are you okay?" I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't mean to startle you so badly."

The driver replied, "No,No.. I'm the one who's sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!" 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL !! 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                            REDNECK LOVE POEM

Collards is green...my dog's name is Blue...

And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you !

Yore hair is like silk, a-flappin' in the breeze...

Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May...

You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan...

Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'.. right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud..

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

I got you a gift , without taste or odor..

more useful than diamonds....

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR  !!     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                         FUN VALENTINE RIDDLES

1.    How do you get a hocky player to kiss you?

2.   How did the knight see the princess in the dark?

3.   Why did the fig go out with the prune?

Ans:

1.    Just pucker up !   

2.    He used a knight light.  

3.    Because it couldn't get a date!   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

COWBOY:    "Give me 3 pkgs. of condoms please."

CASHIER:     " Do you need a paper bag for that sir?"

COWBOY:    " Nah, she's purty good lookin' "

"We'll be friends until we are old and senile, ...then we'll be new friends !  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

        THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married...there was only one thing bothering me... it was her beautiful, younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight mini skirts.... One day her 'little sister' called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings for me that she couldn't overcome.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come on up."

I was stunned . I stood there for a moment and made a beeline for my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping !!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you passed the test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !

And the moral of the story......

Always keep your condoms in  your car  !!