SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose) he wrote on a piece of paper. "Please wake me at 5 a.m."  He left it where she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

The paper said, "It is 5AM Wake up!"  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man and woman are in bed getting ready to have sex..

The woman says softly to the man , "How about saying some dirty things to me?"

The man leans toward her and whispers...

"The bathroom, the kitchen, the cat litter box, and the dishes."   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A BIG WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST CYBER FRIEND....  WILLIS2003 ! 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                      HIGH SCHOOL 1957 vs 2013

SCENARIO  1.

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957--  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2013--  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teacher.

SCENARIO 2

  Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957--Crowd gathers, Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands, and end up buddies.

2013--  Police called and SWAT team arrives...they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charges with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN....

10.  You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 9.   You can keep  one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 8.   If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 7.  Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 6.  Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 5.  A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 4.  Guns function normally every day of the month.

 3.  A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 2.  A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 1.  And the #1 reason why men prefer guns over women.......

You can buy a silencer for a gun.  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store for thier prescriptions, and healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers large fries and a diet soda?

Why do banks leave the vault door wide open and chain the pen to the counter?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and fill our garage with useless junk?

Why are they called 'apartments', when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the 'rush'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat the 2 mosquitoes? 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

WHY (cont.)

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't psychics ever win the lottery?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'Practice"?   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                   Creative Exam papers

1.  In which battle did Napoleon die?

     ans:    HIs last one.

2.  Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

    ans:  On the bottom of the page.

3.  River Ravi flows in which state?

   ans:  Liquid state.

4.  What is the number 1 reason for divorce?

    ans:  Marriage.

5.  What is the main reason for exams?

     Ans:  Failure.

6.  What can you never eat for breakfast?

     Ans:    Lunch and dinner    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. And we picked raspberries in the woods,"

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, " I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner." 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

When my grandson asked me how old I was , I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear Grandpa," he advised, "Mine says I'm 4-6".