Contributor ⭐

Loneliness or alone-ness

Forum|Forum|9 years ago
December 21, 2016
81 replies
44795 views

Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic...

I work full time as a nurse so I have a lot of social interaction there, but am not socially active with co-workers as very few are: 1. single and 2. over 50. I live out in the country, alone. I do not have children. And do many activities alone such as hiking, riding my motorcycle, camping.

I do not feel lonely, but I worry that I am isolating myself and may regret not being more social as I age. Particularly after I retire ( still 9 years away).I do have a few friends, but they don't live particularly close by, and I do make sure to get out with them 2 or 3 times a month. I am not religious and joining a church isn't an option for me.

What are you other single folks doing? Give me some advice! Thanks.

Jypsy Janet

doglover52

Contributor ⭐⭐

Hi Janet,I'm the only member of my family who chose to stay&live here in my hometown,Buffalo,NY because of my job,worked in local hospital as pharm tech part time for 27yrs.

Over the years,I've made friends,some of very close to me ,they are my 'Bflo family',I see them all the time,some are close 'church friends". I would be lost without them in my life.

When I was working,on my 2 days off,I would volunteer in the mornings,still continue doing it since I've been retired.I like to stay busy.

Aren't there any local clubs you could join? I think this would help you interact with others who share the same interests as you do,won't feel so isolated? Sue

Walkers Take It All In Strides

retiredtraveler

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

I can only give one anecdotal example from one of my relatives (i'm married so don't have personal experience). This is pretty much the same response doglover gave.

She ended up moving into a condo, back in a populated area. There is a local, large, health club with all kinds of classes that many seniors participate in. She has created a new circle of friends by going to the various classes. There is a group that go out together. Also, got into an art class and met some more seniors. Does volunteering at an animal shelter and met some more people.

You may have to examine where you live and make a change. I know, easy to say and I don't know anything about your background, or how difficult it might be to live in a less rural area. As I said, one example from someone I know.

"...Why is everyone a victim? Take personal responsibility for your life..."

nelsjmAuthor

Contributor ⭐

I have not totally discounted the notion of moving. I have to find the energy to do so though. Selling your home, keeping it "perfect" for the showings...packing up and moving...that takes lots of energy. I am working up to that I think and maybe needing to move closer to my sister and her family or looking at an over 55 community as another possibility.

Thank you for the story...it helps to know that others have worked through this successfully.

Jypsy Janet

nyadrn

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

I live close to my family and I do a lot of things with them, but like you most of my friend socializing is through work. After I retire I will look for more person involvement in volunteering. If I relocate which I may I will face the same issues as you.

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

Hi Janet, I can relate to your situation! I've lived on my own since the early 1980s .. about 35 years, and am happy with that arrangement. I've lived in a few suburbs in NJ, within commuting distance to NYC, where I worked. Because most of the employees were scattered, none of my work friends lived close enough to me, to socialize regularly. Before I moved to the shore, I thought my current location had more singles > 55, but 95% of the people I know are married, and even the the widows/divorcees are involved with children & grandchildren.

I'm an introvert, and am happier with a few very good friends, than a large posse of them (or "squad"). I wouldn't want to live in an isolated area though, because I do enjoy the theater, and attend a show at some regional venue about once a month. I've been involved in various organizations, but outside of their activities, there are very few who've become personal good buddies.

I like living in a single family home, rather than a development with restrictions. I would definitely consider downsizing, if I could find a place in a thriving downtown area, with everything in walking distance .. if such a place exists in NJ.

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

nelsjmAuthor

Contributor ⭐

Thanks for your reply. Your situation sounds very similar to mine and reassures me that I am not such an odd ball after all!

I don't feel unhappy with my current situation, but do wonder if I can sustain it in the long run. Thanks again!

Jypsy Janet

pvdugas

Contributor ⭐

I can relate a little! I've been single for awhile. . I date but I enjoy living alone. I have a very full life with work and socializing with my friends. Volunteering is GREAT but it can have drawbacks as well. Once they know that you're single they think you don't have a life and your phone tends to ring a lot. You have to learn to say no sometimes. I like giving back. I've raised funds for causes, I'm a Project leader for the United Way, Find a cause that you believe in and give it your all. Someone stated breaking in sometimes be difficult. This is very true. There are cliques in volunteering but in time you'll find like-minded people who you'd enjoy away from volunteering. I wish you the best.

That which you attempt to control...controls you - Iyanla Vanzant

Prosecco6247

Contributor ⭐⭐

@pvdugas Welcome! It's very nice to see a new face and read a very positive and life-affirming post. I noticed you have also posted on the genealogy thread here as well. We look forward to seeing you on the other AARP discussion forums as you explore the various topics that interest you.

Please feel free to create a new topic here if you have a subject you'd like to explore with other singles.

If you'd like to respond to a particular poster, please use the @ sign and a drop-down menu will show up at the bottom of the dialogue box. It will contain the names of the members who have already posted on a thread. Highlight the name of the person you are responding to and it will show up in red...just as your name appears at the beginning of this post. This will simultaneously alert that poster that you've mentioned them in a post. That increases the chances that you will receive a response.

We hope you enjoy your conversations and the time you spend here!

"Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness." ~ Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Calhounwoman

Contributor ⭐⭐

@nelsjm, Hi Jypsy Janet! As the oldest of 6, and as a teenager, it was an eye opening life lesson to experience loneliness (isolation) in a house full of people. I don't wish that kind of loneliness on anyone.

Do you plan on doing some type of volunteer nursing during retirement? Would you consider starting an annual excursion experience with like minded single nursing peers? There must be other single nurses your age at other workplaces--connect with them. Do you belong to any professional nursing organizations? Great way to meet new people with something in common; making new connections now, with a couple of people will make it easier when you do retire.

I have never married or concieved (on pupose). Since retiring a little over two years ago, I haven't had time to be lonely. As another poster mentioned, everyone seems to demand more of your time; it's as if my retirement is their retirement. "No" has become a very useful and effective recurring mantra for me.

I keep engaged by doing what I've always done: write, volunteer, travel, take courses of interest, etc. It's easy for me to meet people, but I prefer to keep my circle of confidants very small--less drama that way.

My most challenging retirement lifestyle learning curve has been to accept that my idea of what aging looks like is not in line with that of some of my family members, friends, and former peers. I have actually had to disassociate from some of them because they were simply too old in their mindset. My 60 is not my Mom's or my Grammy's. I will be "too old to be doing that" soon enough...but in my own way and my own time.

Let me know what you decide to do.

Fey Lady

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@Calhounwoman - I have considered going on a "volunteer vacation", but it bothers me that you live in spartan quarters, work hard at least 1/2 or 3/4 of the time you're there .. but you pay more for that "experience", than if you went on a conventional trip & stayed at a nice resort!

I've also considered going with a special interest group, like the Audubon Society, Smithsonian, or one of the classical music stations, but the price of their trips is prohibitive. They say they get special guest speakers, and get the group into places not normally open to tourists, and part of the price is a "donation" to the organization. I don't like when a "donation" is mandated like that. Oh, and they generally have a 30% extra charge for singles.

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

Calhounwoman

Contributor ⭐⭐

@SarahGHOoooohhh, did you just bring up my most annoying peeve (single pay penalty) about being a Single Independent (one income source)? I have experienced every situation you mentioned and every time I get a notice about a volunteer/donation opportunity I ask about the single penalty. I either get a prepackaged response that doesn't offer any options or my request is totally ignored.

My recent cruise to Asia on the Celebrity only happened because I repeatedly requested a "Single" stateroom. Since I was meeting up with a large group of seniors, the tour agent got me an excellent price for the three-week trip. But, as you know, I got lucky! Apparently, more and more cruise companies are recognizing the increased demand by single travelers. Single staterooms are being offered, but demand is so intense that they are snapped up quickly.

I think our best option may be to create our own volunteer experience with a group of our own making. Although I like to get dirty when I travel--the jungles of Guatemala and the interior of Belize is still my all-time favorite eco-trip--I don't want to feel like an indentured servant who is worked to the point of exhaustion where I feel too tired to enjoy the "experience".

I'd like to experience working on a farm or ranch where room and board is included or help someone set up a food co-op or community farmer's market or even help create support services for seniors living in rural areas. The challenge is connecting with people who are comfortable with strangers staying in their home or on their property. I have learned that most people who prefer rural life also are not particularly comfortable around a lot of people--that is why they choose rural living.

Free labor that pays a nominal fee for room and board for a short period of time sounds like a great idea to me. What do you think?

Fey Lady

D

d829124b

Contributor ⭐

I love in a rural community and am disabled. The community is very family based so as a 50 year old single person there is nothing. I belong to a Church but outside of Church everyone is once again family focused. I do not have the gas money to go into the big city to join groups or activities.

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@d829124b wrote:
I love in a rural community and am disabled. The community is very family based so as a 50 year old single person there is nothing. I belong to a Church but outside of Church everyone is once again family focused. I do not have the gas money to go into the big city to join groups or activities.

@d829124b - Is there a nearby larger town that might be better for you, being disabled & alone? Would you consider moving?

I find that the "senior" activities in my town, because they're all during the daytime, are attended by older retirees .. AARP, Women's Club, etc. So for someone in their 50s, or even their 60s, you feel a little out-of-place, in a group where the minimum age of other participants is 70-75!

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

SassiLady

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@d829124b

@SarahGH

Just because there is a large age gap doesn't mean you won't have any interests in common with this age group. I have always gotten along with people 10-20 years older and younger than I am. I also have a DIL that is 51 and has friends from 40's-80's.

Putting age aside you might just try out a couple of groups and see what happens.

Does the town have a library, do you like to read, and is there reading group? I have a friend that is in her mid 80's that belongs to such a group at the library.

These are ways to get to know people and make friends.

M

m907706g

Contributor ⭐⭐

These posts speak volumes to me. I have one cousin in town who I am close to. My therapist thinks I isolate but what other choice do I have. It takes money to do stuff. I swim 3 times a week, I go to thrift shops often and see people. I do live alone, with the exception of my cat. I read a great deal and frequent this site quite a bit. I attend a writer's group. I often go to the library and am taking a safe driver's class later this month. I try to stay alert for various activities I'm completely non-secular so have no interest whatsoever in that vein. Thinkng about volunteering somehow if an opportunity arises.

nyadrn

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

@m907706g wrote:
These posts speak volumes to me. I have one cousin in town who I am close to. My therapist thinks I isolate but what other choice do I have. It takes money to do stuff. I swim 3 times a week, I go to thrift shops often and see people. I do live alone, with the exception of my cat. I read a great deal and frequent this site quite a bit. I attend a writer's group. I often go to the library and am taking a safe driver's class later this month. I try to stay alert for various activities I'm completely non-secular so have no interest whatsoever in that vein. Thinkng about volunteering somehow if an opportunity arises.

It seems to me that you are quite active. I am sorry that you don't have family or s close friend near.

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

Calhounwoman

Contributor ⭐⭐

@nyadrn AARP's "Create the GOOD" page offers a listing of volunteer opportunities in or near your area (depending on where you live) when you key in your zip code.

It's amazing the types of activities, skills, talent, and experience, these requests for volunteers are asking/searching for.

Fey Lady

V

v936580h

Contributor ⭐

Last October 2016 I ran from an unsafe 12 year marriage.

I am 54 years old and live by myself now.

I am Disabled with severe fibromyalgia, anxiety/ panic attacks, asthma and allergies.

My social security disability check is just enough to pay my rent, phone, some medicine and food.

I don't quality for any medical help or prescription coverage.

I go to food banks when I have gas money to go.

I currently have .39 cents to last me 4 more days.

I don't know anybody. My last relationship kept me isolated to the house.

I am still isolated to my current place I'm staying because I have no one to help me.

I have no money for gas, food, medicines.

All I have is my phone. I listen to self help videos. I am so weak, and fearful of my tomorrow- I don't have strength to get dressed.

I would like to go to church. I have allergies to the perfumes and hairsprays and no way to get there. I look up services and songs on u- tube. I am afraid to be touched because of past gramma. But I strongly want to be healed of that and wish I could have someone to talk to.

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@v936580h - I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you're in! Some places have "displaced homemaker" programs, for women getting out of dangerous or otherwise bad marriages .. maybe you can look for something like that in your area, and see if there are any support programs.

Can you call the church & ask if they have any "fragrance free" areas for services; I know that a lot of people have sensitivities, and they might be aware of that & accommodating.

Congratulations on taking the first step, out of your bad relationship!

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

D

d829124b

Contributor ⭐

As I was reading your story I realized you and I have a lot of the same issues.

I have fibromyalgia as well and I have very painful days. Some days I have all I can do to get out of bed. I have had this for over 30 years now. I would advise you to, no matter how bad the pain, to make yoursef get up out of bed then you have accomplished at least one thing for the day. Keep track of all the littlest things you do because they add up and at the end of the day hive yourself kudos for the things you did accomplish.

I also joined a couple of online fibromyalgia support groups but make sure they are positive ones and not.ones that dwell on the pain.

Can your doctor give you some medicine to counteract your allergies so you can go to Church?

I love to go to Church but I am basically homebound due to severe migraines at this time.

I have been through two abusive marriages and am currently single. I am homebound right now, depressed, anxious, lonely, etc....

My children are grown and they were world, I had two abusive marriages, I had no time for me so I never got to find a hobby I like or things I enjoy. I still feel guilty if I buy myself a necessity because I still have the mindset that someone else needs something first.

I am also on Medicare, disabled, and barely have enough to live on. I have a payee that pays my bills for me and then I get so much a week or what's left over.

Medicare does have a reduced payment plan for medications make sure you call and ask about it.

I hope it helps to know there is someone else out there who understands what you are going through and I pray you get the help you need.

God bless you!

nyadrn

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

Social Isolation Looms Large as More Adults Live Alone

http://www.aarp.org/health/conditions-treatments/info-2017/loneliness-growing-health-problem-fd.html?cmp=EMC-DSO-NLC-WBLTR---MCTRL-092917-F2-2450847&ET_CID=2450847&ET_RID=5237310&encparam=qc1crSyaxmn+4E64/8cDBiS4OQmp+OmFfrG24QIvAak=

This article appears on the AARP page and seems related to this discussion.

I have never faced this issue. We have a larger family and I work at a large company and I am surrounded by people all day : ) so when I get home I need some isolation.. If I were to relocate after retirement that could be an issue so lots of the places we looked at were part of active communities that have lots of social time planned into the community. While this is not for everyone is is one answer. Another big issue is health which can isolate you more than you would ever choose. But lots of discussions on this subject point out that society seems to be moving more and more to social media contact rather than face to face contact. We have come a long way from small town American where everyone knows your name and business (and they still due) to the big city life where you don't know your neighbors. Socializing without face to face kind of dehumanizes the contact.. you can say things because you don't know the person.

It will be interesting to see how things go.

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@l136780y - I'm sorry for the recent loss of your surrogate dad! Since you mention being a veteran, are there any American Legion posts near you, where you can start developing a network of friends? Don't assume that you need to be 100% the same as your friends, to feel comfortable together! It's common (and a good idea) to have friends with whom you enjoy one or two things, so you can spend some time with each of them.

Your experience is a good lesson & reminder to all of us singles, that it can be very dangerous (albeit easy) to become so dependent on a single relative or friend, for our entire social life. Not only do we need variety, but the flexibility to still have other friends, if something happens to one of them.

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

V

vernak

Contributor ⭐

Solitude is enjoyable. Loneliness is not. This researcher seems to equate being alone with loneliness. They are far from the same. I have been single and living alone for 42 years. Sometimes I was lonely, but not all that much of the time. Mostly I enjoyed my solitude, and still do. Different people have different social needs. There is the matter of what you expect, and what you want, versus what you get. That is what can lead to pain.

SarahGH

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

@vernak - Very well put!

Registered on Online Community since 2007!

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