Funny Stories and Life Experiences

On God’s Time

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”

If you can read this, you have a powerful and perceptive mind. Note:  Only 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

How did you do?

I had no problem with the word scrambling!

There was once a lawyer who purchased a box of very rare and expensive  cigars and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a  month he smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and  without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,  the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the  lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The  insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the  man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company  that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the  lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the  cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them  against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable  fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.   
 Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance  company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss  of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

 After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him  arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was  convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I  planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

The Weight of the Glass

Once upon a time a psychology professor walked around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students.  As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” question.  Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.

She replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter.  It all depends on how long I hold it.  If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light.  If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little.  If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor.  In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water.  Think about them for a while and nothing happens.  Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little.  Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

The Moral of the Story is:  It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses and worries.  No matter what happens during the day, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.  Don’t carry them through the night and into the next day with you.  If you still feel the weight of yesterday’s stress, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the glass down.