Funny Stories and Life Experiences

A shipment of stock has arrived at the small store where I work, so I get out my box cutter and get to work. I’m using it the way I always have: put out the blade a bit, cut away from myself, cut both the sides, and then start the top. Take one flap and tug it up, and the tape tears cleanly all the way down so the box can be opened.

My manager walks in and sees me open a box. She’s an older lady who’s worked retail for decades and is very convinced that anyone under the age of sixty is an empty-headed child.

Manager: “You’re doing it wrong.”

Me: “Wrong how?”

Manager: “Here, let me show you how to do it right.”

She takes the box cutter, pushes the blade out as far as it will go, and stabs it into the top of the box, dragging it from the far end toward herself.

Manager: “Now you try.”

Me: “Uhh, how about I start moving stuff to the floor?”

I grab some stuff to stock, so I can avoid having to make a choice between disobeying or doing it so dangerously. Minimum wage is not worth a potential gut stab.

Later as I come back into the stockroom, my manager is on the computer with a basket of product beside her, damaging things out.

Manager: “I don’t understand why they keep sending us product that’s been slashed open! It’s ridiculous. Just look at this!”

She showed off packaging that had clearly been stabbed into and sliced across, exactly like someone took a box cutter and stabbed it full-length into the box and then dragged it open. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened!

2. The fake report card: I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake. She was PISSED—at the school for their error. The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.

LIFE IS SHORT, SO ENJOY IT!
The day barely starts, and suddenly it’s evening. Monday turns into Friday, and before we know it, the year is almost over. Time flies, and we lose loved ones—parents, friends—until we realize it’s too late to turn back.

So, let’s make the most of the time we have left. Find joy in the things we love, add color to our grey days, and appreciate the small moments that fill our hearts with love.

Let’s stop putting things off. Waiting for “later” means missing the best moments—family time, friendships, experiences. "Later" isn't guaranteed.

Life moves fast: priorities shift, health fades, kids grow, parents age, promises are forgotten. One day, it’s too late to do what we should have done or said.

The time is now. The day is today. Life is a short trip—so live it fully while you can, because there’s no turning back.

I have eaten everything on this list at some point in my life. Yes I like somethings more than others.

How about you?

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@DaveMcK wrote:

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

--------------------------

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@DaveMcK wrote:

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

‐----------------------

 

---

@DaveMcK wrote:

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

Thank you, Don, for asking me to reply to your humorous question.

Shall I inform you of the time I stuck a TV dinner in that newfangled contraption called a microwave? You do realize they used to package these TV dinners in aluminum trays. Right?

Should I write about the time I placed the tea kettle on the stove, so I could make a cup of coffee, then promptly forgot the kettle was on the stove? The Fire Department helped me peel my copper-bottomed kettle off the burner. Why do you think they invented Smoke Alarms?

How about the time I conquered my preadolescent fears and succeeded in accomplishing a fine dive off our high school three-meter board? I broke the surface of the water quite proud of myself, only to discover my swimming trunks floating about ten feet away from me.

What about the time I wanted to make a toasted peanut butter sandwich and needed to buy a new toaster…to go along with my new microwave, and my new tea kettle?…And my new smoke alarm.

I never received any instructions to accompany Mom’s newest addition to my athletic wardrobe, quaintly known as the Jock Strap. I was an incoming high school freshman, suiting up for my very first class in Physical Education. Allow me the opportunity to assure Freshman boys Athletic Supporters are not worn on the head. At least that’s what my angry coach told me. (I’m still not too sure if he was angry at my stupidity, or at the student who told me Jock Straps are worn like a hat.)

Then, there was the time I buried a penny about an inch deep in well-cultivated soil. For weeks, I faithfully watered and weeded, hoping against hope. Dad taught me a valuable lesson.

“Jimmy? There is no such thing as a Money Tree!”

Then, there was the time when another young man introduced me to Chewing Tobacco. I chewed it. I swallowed it, and promptly vomited all over the asphalt. It was then that I learned Chewing Tobacco is not a Dark Green Leafy Vegetable.

How about the time Brian and I decided to “dig to China”, uncovered our septic tank, and promptly fell in? We could have sworn we heard people chattering in Chinese. Not only did we have take a bath, Mom had to disinfect our bathtub when we were done…and it wasn’t even Saturday night, yet.

I’m sorry, my friend. I just can’t seem to think of anything funny that ever happened to me. I guess my sense of humor became dampened in this rainstorm we’re receiving.

I guess it’s true, what people are saying. There are three kinds of people in this world.

There are people who make things happen.

There are people who sit back and watch things happen.

And there are a few of us few poor souls who scratch our heads and wonder just what in the Hell happened?

I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, my friend.