Hard Time

Good morning, just joined AARP & your letter was the 1st I read.  My husband, Dick. died in September.  We are basically in the same state of grief.  No one knows what it’s like unless part of your heart has been broken. I am here if you would like to chat.

Cindy

WalkingWoman, 
My thoughts during the holidays are doing the same with loved ones who have passed, one last year and another several years ago

.  The weeks and months after death are filled with making arrangements, speaking with friends and relatives, and paperwork up-the-butt.  The grieving process has to take a back seat it seemed for me, as the trappings of the aftermath engulfed me.

As Thanksgiving approached this year, I found myself remembering the moments in the hospital or at home, for both.   As you have said, the dying time, and what you see and are feeling during that time.  I’ve heard others speak of how beautiful it was for them to witness , and that family was with them as they passed.  I’m not really buying that for what I experienced.  The dying time and the breathing and pain issues were heart wrenching to see and hear.  There was no ethereal glow.

You are correct, expressing it.  Nobody seemingly wants that out there, probably because they may not know what to say to us when they hear it, but I agree that part of grieving, at least for me is important to express.  

It’s exceedingly hard to not only go through that, but also deal with the necessary things that have to get done.  And then it hits you.  Or it hit me.

Picking up the ashes, we arrived early and the place was in the midst of matching up the number to my loved one.  I didn’t want to see the ashes, but there it was, as I saw the bag being placed in the urn. 

The dying time, the duties of taking care of the arrangements, the paperwork, the service.  Then Boom. Silence.  I agree with you, talking about it can help.  Even in the graphic parts.  That’s part of my process.  

I hope you can express it, be it here or with someone.  Sitting down and openly saying to them,

   “I need to get this out about their death, and everything that I experienced, can you sit and hear this, with me?” , might be the way to try and do it.  Mentioning how important it is to express this.  

I would like to express that I get that feeling and very much identify with it.

Thank you for writing.

    Walking Woman,

          Everything that you wrote seemed achingly familiar to me.  I am so appreciative that you shared this!  

          In my experience, I sometimes felt as if well-meaning family and friends were trying to have me compartmentalize or sanitize my feelings of grief.  As Serene Seagull wrote - nobody really wants our stark, sometimes messy realities “out there” because they won’t be alleviated by the usual truisms or platitudes.  

          Please share your narrative with someone - a friend, the adult children, a local group, or with us.  

          I hear you.  I understand.

Walking Woman I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your experience and need to process that hard time. This forum is a good place to post your feelings and thoughts of that difficult time. You are also helping others who are in the same process. Something you express will be something that didn't occur to them to say. Plus it's so hard to see a loved one in distress especially after so many years together. But fortunate you were strong to be there for him. I'm certain he found much strength and peace in your presence. Please stop by often and share where you are and how you are doing. Each time, you'll feel a little better and not carrying everything yourself. Take care!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband Jim. It is very hard to see the suffering. And holding the box of ashes in your hands. I'm sorry you had to drive yourself to get his ashes. That must have been very hard. Plus the many months and sometimes years of caregiving which takes drastic toll on our health. It made me feel better to check in with the doctor and dentist. I had put off dental work for a long time. It's also reassuring to know if I'm dealing with physical things. I think also we grieve not only for our loved ones, but for that part of our lives spent with them. I like to think of those times as not gone, but somewhere else and accessible in all our different ways. 

When I'm having a difficult time with memories of the suffering I allow myself just so much time to think of it each day and let it pass through me. At first it could be almost an hour, then a half hour, or minutes. Whatever time is needed each day. It's kind of like when firefighters set a burn around a fire to burn itself out. It's also helpful to try a certified grief counselor. The family is not always a good choice to turn to if they're not getting grief care for themselves.  Care for yourself as much as you did for your husband.