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Honored Social Butterfly

Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

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What about the elk!

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After a Hiker Injured Her Knee, Strangers Took Turns Carrying Her Down the Mountain to Safety

by Andy Simmons
 
She landed on her left leg and then heard a snap.

Colorado’s grays peak rises 14,278 feet above sea level, high enough that trees can’t grow toward the top, though there are plenty of shrubs, rocks, and boulders. It was in this unforgiving terrain that Bev Wedelstedt was unlucky enough to rupture the anterior cruciate ligament and meniscus in her left knee.

It was August 2018, and ­Wedelstedt, 56, was on her way back down the trail with three friends. A storm was brewing, and they were anxious to get off the mountain. When they ­approached a rocky drop of a couple of feet, Wedel­stedt decided that instead of shimmying down on her butt—the safe way to go—she would leap. She landed on her left leg.

Then she heard the snap.

Every step after that was agony. Before long, she had to stop. As one friend ran down to get help, a number of other hikers, all strangers, attempted to help Wedelstedt down the narrow trail by walking on either side of her to support her weight, but that proved slow and dangerous. One man “was so close to the ledge I could see rocks tumbling down from where he stepped on them,” Wedelstedt says.

Finally, one hiker, Matt, asked her, “How do you feel about a fireman’s carry?” Before she knew it, he had lifted her over his shoulder. “Now, I’m not tiny,” says Wedelstedt, a former college basketball star. Matt clearly couldn’t carry her all the way down by himself. So six hikers and one of her friends took turns carrying her while she tried to make light of a difficult situation: “I told them I wanted to meet a lot of guys, but this isn’t the way I wanted to do it.” Three hours and two rock-strewn miles later, this human conveyor belt finally met the medics, who took Wedelstedt to the hospital.

 

She has mostly recovered from her ill-fated hike, but Wedelstedt knows she’ll never shake one thing from that day: the memory of the band of strangers who came to her rescue. “I’m still in awe.”

 
This article was published in Reader's Digest

 

 
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Pardon me.  But I just find this morbidly amusing!

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Facing the passing of a loved one!

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Dear Dave,

 

Image result for THANK YOU!!!

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The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.

Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.

You’ve been fired? Now why would they do that to you Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

Oh, I got caught putting my **bleep** in the potato peeler.” Paddy responded.

Oh, Paddy that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

Oh she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

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It's a military thing! When I see a Veteran or active duty person I will go over and thank a Brother or Sister for their service. 

 

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A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

 

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

 

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.

 

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

 

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and "abracadabra!"-- the husband was 92 years old.

 

The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!

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When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement? Before your boss does!

 

* There are numerous advantages in being fifty, just ask any eighty year old!!!

 

* You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do * You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind!

 

Laugh !..
Humour is a powerful antidote to stress. It can be a great way to relieve tension and could be as easy as renting a funny video and watching it at home , or even reading some of the following retirement jokes & quotes!!

 

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and
deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

 

 

 

Newsflash!

Viagra is now available in
powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance sexual
performance but it does stop your
biscuit going soft.

 

If you live to be a 100 you've got it made, very few people die past that age!

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Charles Schulz Philosophy
 

 

    The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

 

  1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
  2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
  3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
  4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. 
  5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
  6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

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 How did you do?

 

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.


       

 

   Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

  1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
  2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
  3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
  4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
  5. Think of five people you enjoy spendingtime with.

 schultz4.gif

  

 

 Easier?

 

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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 "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schulz)

 

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The Stranded Irishman 
Stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, he watched the horizon.
 
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
 
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
 
She walked up to the  stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good  cigar?"
 
"Ten  years," replied the amazed Irishman.
 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet 
suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
 
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.  "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway...
"Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
 
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
  
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there
and removed a flask and handed it to him.
 
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "
'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
 
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He walked up to me with a frown on his face and said, "I'M NOT HAPPY."

To which I innocently asked, "Well, which one are you then?"

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A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."Image result for IMAGE OF DOG WITH TONGUE OUT

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

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911

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

 

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I have  no idea who wrote this. But, this is oh so accurate. Im betting Janet Skinner Meinke will get a kick out of this.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAME · If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild Man.

EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband · / A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor .... and to the men who will enjoy reading.

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Why 4 FEET 8.5 Inches is Very Important

Fascinating Stuff . . .

Railroad Tracks
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England,

and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used

for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match

for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome,

they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches

is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,

'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough

to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,

you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger,

but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains

and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know,

is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system

was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

The left lane on a multi lane highway is called the “passing lane” for a reason. 

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   A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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How about we start today with a good laugh. Happy Sunday everyone.

CAKE OR BED .........
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

“FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

“FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS."
HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO - I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...................... .. ......

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM."

"HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE."

HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?”

    

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Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and enjoy the ride.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you!

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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very  much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old many hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

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