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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 161 of 222

My uncle who fought in WWIMy uncle who fought in WWI 

The 100th Anniversary of Armistice Day-Veterans Day will be celebrated November 11, 2018.

Veterans Day is an official United States public holiday, observed annually on November 11, that honors military veterans; that is, persons who served in the United States Armed Forces. It coincides with other holidays, including Armistice Day and Remembrance Day, celebrated in other countries that mark the anniversary of the end of World War I; major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918, when the Armistice with Germany went into effect. The United States previously observed Armistice Day. The U.S. holiday was renamed Veterans Day in 1954.

Veterans Day

World War I veteran Joseph Ambrose, 86, at the dedication day parade for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in 1982.jpg
World War I veteran Joseph Ambrose attends the dedication parade for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, holding the flag that covered the casket of his son, killed in the Korean War.
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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 162 of 222

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 163 of 222

In church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 164 of 222

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ..."

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 165 of 222

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 166 of 222

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 167 of 222

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if I can't cure you, you'll get £1,000."

Young Doctor Young was positive that Geezer didn't know much about medicine and thought this would be a great opportunity to earn £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- this is petrol!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I can't remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is petrol!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your £1000" (giving him a £10 note).

Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your sight back! That will be £500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to "T" us off.

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Message 168 of 222

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a
LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working. the mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the
valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put
everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So
how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and
I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 169 of 222

 

*Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!*

2 commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

*Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,*
*Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,*
*Bundles of magazines tied up in string,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things_*

*Cadillacs and cataracts,* *hearing aids and glasses,*
*Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,*
*Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*

*When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,*
*When the knees go bad,*
*I simply remember my* *favorite things,*
*And then I don't feel so bad.*

*Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,*
*No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,*
*Bathrobes and heating* *pads and hot meals they bring,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*

*Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',*
*Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',*
*And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,*
*_When we remember our favorite things._*

*When the joints ache, When the hips break,*
*When the eyes grow dim,*
*Then I remember the great life I've had,*
*And then I don't feel so bad.*
>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

 

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 170 of 222

I can see this happening.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What?  got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

Satan laughs, "Yeah, right, and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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