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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

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Wienermobile" is a series of automobiles shaped like a hot dog on a bun which are used to promote and advertise Oscar Mayer products in the United States. The first version was created in 1936 by Oscar Mayer's nephew, Carl G. Mayer, and variants are still used by the Oscar Mayer company today. Drivers of the Wienermobiles are known as Hotdoggers and often hand out toy whistles shaped as replicas of the Wienermobile, known as Wienerwhistles.

History

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile has evolved from Carl Mayer's original 1936 vehicle[1] to the vehicles seen on the road today. Although fuel rationing kept the Wienermobile off the road during World War II, in the 1950s Oscar Mayer and the Gerstenslager Company created several new vehicles using a Dodge chassis or a Willys Jeep chassis. One of these models is on display at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan. These Wienermobiles were piloted by "Little Oscar" (portrayed by George Molchan) who would visit stores, schools, orphanages, and children's hospitals and participate in parades and festivals.

In 1969, new Wienermobiles were built on a Chevrolet motor home chassis and featured Ford Thunderbird taillights. The 1969 vehicle was the first Wienermobile to travel outside the United States. In 1976 Plastic Products, Inc., built a fiberglass and styrofoam model, again on a Chevrolet motor home chassis.

In 1988, Oscar Mayer launched its Hotdogger program, where recent college graduates were hired to drive the Wienermobile through various parts of the nation and abroad. Using a converted Chevrolet van chassis, Stevens Automotive Corporation and noted industrial designer Brooks Stevens built a fleet of six Wienermobiles for the new team of Hotdoggers.

With the 1995 version, the Wienermobile grew in size to 27 feet (8.2 m) long and 11 feet (3.4 m) high.[2] The 2004 version of the Wienermobile includes a voice-activated GPS navigation device, an audio center with a wireless microphone, a horn that plays the Wiener Jingle in 21 different genres from Cajun to Rap to Bossa Nova, according to American Eats, and sports fourth generation Pontiac Firebird taillights.

Following mechanical problems with the Isuzu Elf, Oscar Mayer decided to adopt a larger chassis in order to accommodate an increase in size of the signature wiener running through the middle. While the Wienermobile was not as long as the 1995 version, it was considerably wider and taller. Craftsmen Industries went through numerous overhauls of the truck including a flipped axle and a leveling kit. This version held a record for numerous suspension problems, most leading to the chassis not being able to hold the large weight of the Oscar Mayer Wiener.

In 2004, Oscar Mayer announced a contest whereby customers could win the right to use the Wienermobile for a day. Within a month, the contest had generated over 15,000 entries.

In June 2017 the company introduced several new hot-dog-themed vehicles, including the WienerCycle, WeinerRover and WienerDrone.

This parade favorite was located in Madison, Wisconsin for many years as Oscars Mayer was located her for decades 

 

 

INSPIRING CHILDHOOD NOSTALGIA AND A HEALTHY APPETITE SINCE 1936

wienermobile

Six Wienermobiles tour the United States each year. They’re out and about right now. So, keep your eyes peeled! Known by nicknames such as Bunderstruck, SpeedyWeiner, Autobuhn, and DriftDog (you get the idea), each vehicle sits atop a Chevy W4 truck chassis.

But the real magic comes in the form of their easily recognizable, utterly unforgettable custom crafted fiberglass bodies. These sleek dogs represent visions of both sentimentality and longing. What do we mean? Name another vehicle capable of inspiring such intense childhood memories and a healthy appetite at the same time…

Or, ask any hotdogger—the official title for the pairs of college graduates that drive and work each Wienermobile—and they’ll tell you endless stories about the nostalgia people feel when they see a Wienermobile. In fact, the primary job of the Wienermobile and the hotdoggers who drive it are to celebrate memories of bygone days while inspiring new ones.

The Weinermobile proves just as iconic as Tom and Jerry,Nintendo, and Metallica. That said, you’ll find no heavy metal on the Wienermobile. While the horn can play 20 different versions of the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song, including reggae and rap, heavy metal never made the playlist. Sorry, Ozzie.

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How about a Kudo if you have seen one of these in person!
 
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Yep, I have seen the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan..

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After a Hiker Injured Her Knee, Strangers Took Turns Carrying Her Down the Mountain to Safety

by Andy Simmons
 
She landed on her left leg and then heard a snap.

Colorado’s grays peak rises 14,278 feet above sea level, high enough that trees can’t grow toward the top, though there are plenty of shrubs, rocks, and boulders. It was in this unforgiving terrain that Bev Wedelstedt was unlucky enough to rupture the anterior cruciate ligament and meniscus in her left knee.

It was August 2018, and ­Wedelstedt, 56, was on her way back down the trail with three friends. A storm was brewing, and they were anxious to get off the mountain. When they ­approached a rocky drop of a couple of feet, Wedel­stedt decided that instead of shimmying down on her butt—the safe way to go—she would leap. She landed on her left leg.

Then she heard the snap.

Every step after that was agony. Before long, she had to stop. As one friend ran down to get help, a number of other hikers, all strangers, attempted to help Wedelstedt down the narrow trail by walking on either side of her to support her weight, but that proved slow and dangerous. One man “was so close to the ledge I could see rocks tumbling down from where he stepped on them,” Wedelstedt says.

Finally, one hiker, Matt, asked her, “How do you feel about a fireman’s carry?” Before she knew it, he had lifted her over his shoulder. “Now, I’m not tiny,” says Wedelstedt, a former college basketball star. Matt clearly couldn’t carry her all the way down by himself. So six hikers and one of her friends took turns carrying her while she tried to make light of a difficult situation: “I told them I wanted to meet a lot of guys, but this isn’t the way I wanted to do it.” Three hours and two rock-strewn miles later, this human conveyor belt finally met the medics, who took Wedelstedt to the hospital.

 

She has mostly recovered from her ill-fated hike, but Wedelstedt knows she’ll never shake one thing from that day: the memory of the band of strangers who came to her rescue. “I’m still in awe.”

 
This article was published in Reader's Digest

 

 
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Pardon me.  But I just find this morbidly amusing!

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Facing the passing of a loved one!

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Dear Dave,

 

Image result for THANK YOU!!!

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The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.

Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.

You’ve been fired? Now why would they do that to you Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

Oh, I got caught putting my **bleep** in the potato peeler.” Paddy responded.

Oh, Paddy that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

Oh she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

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It's a military thing! When I see a Veteran or active duty person I will go over and thank a Brother or Sister for their service. 

 

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A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

 

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

 

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.

 

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

 

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and "abracadabra!"-- the husband was 92 years old.

 

The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!

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When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement? Before your boss does!

 

* There are numerous advantages in being fifty, just ask any eighty year old!!!

 

* You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do * You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind!

 

Laugh !..
Humour is a powerful antidote to stress. It can be a great way to relieve tension and could be as easy as renting a funny video and watching it at home , or even reading some of the following retirement jokes & quotes!!

 

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and
deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

 

 

 

Newsflash!

Viagra is now available in
powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance sexual
performance but it does stop your
biscuit going soft.

 

If you live to be a 100 you've got it made, very few people die past that age!

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Charles Schulz Philosophy
 

 

    The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

 

  1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
  2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
  3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
  4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. 
  5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
  6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

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 How did you do?

 

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.


       

 

   Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

  1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
  2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
  3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
  4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
  5. Think of five people you enjoy spendingtime with.

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 Easier?

 

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

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 "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schulz)

 

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The Stranded Irishman 
Stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, he watched the horizon.
 
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
 
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
 
She walked up to the  stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good  cigar?"
 
"Ten  years," replied the amazed Irishman.
 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet 
suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
 
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.  "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway...
"Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
 
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
  
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there
and removed a flask and handed it to him.
 
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "
'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
 
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
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This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He walked up to me with a frown on his face and said, "I'M NOT HAPPY."

To which I innocently asked, "Well, which one are you then?"

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A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."Image result for IMAGE OF DOG WITH TONGUE OUT

The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

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911

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

 

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