Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 ‐‐------------------------

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

The teacher asks the class: Where do apples grow?

Smart Samantha answers: On apple trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do pears grow?

Clever Curtis answers: On pear trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do dates grow?

The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand and says: On calendars?

[DavidE760644]

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants

what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said,

“I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

[LydiaN586309]

A TRUCK DRIVER

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road. (At this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

[DaveMcK]

Will I Live To 80?" - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80." 

[LydiaN586309]

THE PHYSICAL

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day, so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

“In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

“This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”

[DaveMcK]

If you've spent much time on the Internet lately, you’ve probably found plenty of reasons to feel hopeless, afraid, or angry. But we've got better news, and we want to share it with you. We gathered loads of reasons to be hopeful, courageous, and kind. Now it's your turn:

Find something to watch or read, share it, and keep spreading hope, not fear.

[DavidE760644]

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”

“No.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“That’s why!”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

THE MARINE PILOT

The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,

& her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, & then

she parachuted right into the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed

4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last enemy soldier with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

[DaveMcK]

Move abroad

"Moving abroad is one of the best ways to force yourself out of your comfort zone. You can learn a lot about yourself by learning to navigate a new country and culture." — Peter Jacobs

Who else had a life changing experience from a move to some place different. Mary and I both went to college, met there and got married on 1966. 

Also we both got to spend a year in Germany when I was in the Army on 1969. 

[DaveMcK]

How is 2020 been for you so far! It is definitely the most challenging year ever for 

Mary, my self and our family. I find little positive about 2020. This is way beyond 1967 when I graduated college and I knew I was going to be drafted and was facing all of the unknowns of the the war years 

[LydiaN586309]

WHAT HEAVEN’S LIKE

Three guys die together and go to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible NOT to step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here
comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks.

Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

@DaveMcK,  you made me laff out loud with this last post.  I'm going to definitely send this one around to some unsuspecting friends.  LOL

Thanks.

Lyds

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

One of my favorite plays is " Stop the world - I want to get off"!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. So he asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

And the farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[LydiaN586309]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks and in on the back of the head with a frying pan. 

He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called!"

[LydiaN586309]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Merious British artist Banksy has recognized health care workers in a new piece displayed in Southampton General Hospital. The painting, which was published on Banksy's Instagram account Wednesday, was hung as a tribute to the hospital's workers tackling the coronavirus pandemic.

The artwork depicts a small boy dressed in a T-shirt and overalls kneeling next to a bin. He has replaced his usual toy superheroes, Batman and Superman, which lay discarded in the bin for a different hero – a nurse.

Like Superman, the nurse stretches out her hand – and wears a face mask, cape and an apron with a red cross, the only colored element in the otherwise black-and-white painting.

According to the BBC, the artist left a note addressed to the hospital that said: "Thanks for all you're doing. I hope this brightens the place up a bit, even if its only black and white."

The 1-square-meter painting, named "Game Changer," will remain in the hospital until autumn and will then be auctioned, the BBC reported. The proceeds will go to the National Health Service (NHS).

The BBC reported the hospital's manager, Paula Head, said everyone in the hospital appreciated the painting.

"It will undoubtedly also boost the morale of everyone who works in our hospital and who is cared for," Head said.

The anonymous artist rose to fame after creating a series of provocative art pieces throughout England. His famed graffiti-style street art, which often denotes socially critical and controversial motifs, has had him dubbed as a vandal by authorities.

[DaveMcK]

We have been on Lockdown since March 9th and going a little stur crazy! We had some neighbors check up on us this morning.