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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 121 of 169

This is priceless!!

BACK IN OUR DAY.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to
explain:​

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. And kids would find soda bottles wherever they could to turn them in for pennies per bottle. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books loaned for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tee us off...

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Message 122 of 169

 

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the
past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

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Message 123 of 169

 

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the
past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 124 of 169

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD (not real but entertaining)
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me inDowntown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Trump as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper fi.
Alex

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Re: Funny Stories

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Message 125 of 169

Subject:****** Only people from Wisconsin will truly understand ! ******

 

 

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman

as President of the United States.

 

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father
in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?"

       "I don't think so.  It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as
she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting
up in my knee."

      "Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will
pick you up at your door," she said.

      "I don't know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your
mother wear?"

       "Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

        "Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods
you and your friends like to eat."

         The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.  The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll
ensure your meals are salt-free.  Dad, I really want you to come."

       So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 24,  2024
arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United
States.

       The parents are seated in the front row.  The President's dad
sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers,

"You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible,

becoming President of the United States?

        The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

         Dad says proudly, "Her brother plays football for the Packers."

 

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Message 126 of 169

This is something we ALL need to remember....

 

Two brothers living on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side-by-side, sharing machinery and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference and finally, it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days' work," he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?"

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor. In fact, it's my younger brother! Last week there was a meadow between us. He recently took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day -- measuring, sawing and nailing. About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all
It was a bridge .. A bridge that stretched from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all! And the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched..
"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder.
"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build."

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Message 127 of 169

 

Out of the mouth’s of babes - - -

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

 

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

 

And here is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

 

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Message 128 of 169

I found a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 80.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 82.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street.

 

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

 

My wife and I had words,

but I didn't get to use mine.

 

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

 

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.

 

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

 

God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

 

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Message 129 of 169

I went to the local Pow-Wow at the Beaver Lake Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about.

I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but I did have a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me again and, looking skywards he earnestly repeated his mantra:

"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator, you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside.

And sure as hell, my truck was gone !!!

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Message 130 of 169

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