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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 11 of 168

Facing the passing of a loved one!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 12 of 168

The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.

Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.

You’ve been fired? Now why would they do that to you Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

Oh, I got caught putting my **bleep** in the potato peeler.” Paddy responded.

Oh, Paddy that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

Oh she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 13 of 168

It's a military thing! When I see a Veteran or active duty person I will go over and thank a Brother or Sister for their service. 

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 14 of 168

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

 

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

 

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”.

 

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

 

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and "abracadabra!"-- the husband was 92 years old.

 

The moral of this story: Men are ungrateful idiots, Fairies are female!

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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 15 of 168

 

When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement? Before your boss does!

 

* There are numerous advantages in being fifty, just ask any eighty year old!!!

 

* You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do * You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind!

 

Laugh !..
Humour is a powerful antidote to stress. It can be a great way to relieve tension and could be as easy as renting a funny video and watching it at home , or even reading some of the following retirement jokes & quotes!!

 

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and
deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before.

 

 

 

Newsflash!

Viagra is now available in
powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance sexual
performance but it does stop your
biscuit going soft.

 

If you live to be a 100 you've got it made, very few people die past that age!

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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 16 of 168

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 17 of 168

Charles Schulz Philosophy
 

 

    The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

 

  1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
  2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
  3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
  4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. 
  5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
  6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

 schultz2.jpg

                           

 How did you do?

 

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.


       

 

   Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

  1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
  2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
  3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
  4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
  5. Think of five people you enjoy spendingtime with.

 schultz4.gif

  

 

 Easier?

 

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

 schultz6.jpg

   

 "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schulz)

 

    schultz7.gif                                                     

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 18 of 168

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 19 of 168
The Stranded Irishman 
Stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, he watched the horizon.
 
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
 
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
 
She walked up to the  stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good  cigar?"
 
"Ten  years," replied the amazed Irishman.
 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet 
suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
 
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.  "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway...
"Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
 
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
  
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there
and removed a flask and handed it to him.
 
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "
'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
 
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
 
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Re: Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Message 20 of 168

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He walked up to me with a frown on his face and said, "I'M NOT HAPPY."

To which I innocently asked, "Well, which one are you then?"

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