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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One of the most irritating sounds has always been the scraping of fingers nails across a blackboard... until last week. Now it's.. "Welcome aboard Carnival Cruise Lines." 

 

 

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An oldie, but a goodie....

 

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call...The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3yr.old girl to hold the flashlight high over her mommy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently she did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him up by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry.

The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little 3 yr.old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded... "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his a-- again !"   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

There was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face." 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man:  "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,grandchildren, and great-granchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest:   "  Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man:   "What sins?"

Priest:  " What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man:  " I'm Jewish."

Priest: "  Why are you telling me all this?"

Man:  " I'm 92 years old...... I'm telling everybody !  "   

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

BEST VALENTINE PICKUP LINES........

 

Would you like to be Queen of my double-wide trailer?

 

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

 

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                     DUMB MEN JOKES

 

What does a man consider a 7 course meal?

     A hot dog and a six pack.

 

How do men exercise at the beach?

   By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

 

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?

  We cook/they eat...  we clean/they dirty... we iron/ they wrinkle.

 

What did God say after He created man?

    I can do better than this...

 

 
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "She lives at the airport, when we want to see her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

        THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married...there was only one thing bothering me... it was her beautiful, younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight mini skirts.... One day her 'little sister' called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings for me that she couldn't overcome.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come on up."

I was stunned . I stood there for a moment and made a beeline for my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping !!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you passed the test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !

And the moral of the story......

 

Always keep your condoms in  your car  !!  

 

 

        

 

 

 

 

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

COWBOY:    "Give me 3 pkgs. of condoms please."

CASHIER:     " Do you need a paper bag for that sir?"

COWBOY:    " Nah, she's purty good lookin' "

 

 

"We'll be friends until we are old and senile, ...then we'll be new friends !  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                         FUN VALENTINE RIDDLES

 

1.    How do you get a hocky player to kiss you?

2.   How did the knight see the princess in the dark?

3.   Why did the fig go out with the prune?

 

Ans:

1.    Just pucker up !   

2.    He used a knight light.  

3.    Because it couldn't get a date!   

 

                                 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                            REDNECK LOVE POEM

 

Collards is green...my dog's name is Blue...

And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you !

Yore hair is like silk, a-flappin' in the breeze...

Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.

 

You move like the bass, which excite me in May...

You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry, jist a-fry'n in the pan...

 

Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'.. right out of the can.

 

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud..

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

 

I got you a gift , without taste or odor..

more useful than diamonds....

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR  !!     

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL !! 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A passenger in a cab leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver asked, "Are you okay?" I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't mean to startle you so badly."

The driver replied, "No,No.. I'm the one who's sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!" 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a Rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

 

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss..

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed!

*******************************************************

I thought that I could love no other,

Until, that is, I met your brother.

*******************************************************

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

***************************************************

Of loving beauty you float with grace,

If only you could hide your face.

******************************************************

Kind, intelligent, loving and hotThis describes everything you are not !

*****************************************************

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

*****************************************************

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

******************************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife

Marrying you screwed up my life.

******************************************************

I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming.

***************************************************

My love, you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

*******************************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "GO TO HELL!"

*******************************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY BonnieC10

LAISSEZ  LE BON TEMPS ROULER  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BettyCM

 

BettyCM   thanks for posting !    

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me  
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'  
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'  
'Twelve thirty.'  
 
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous  
young woman on his arm.  
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really  
doing great, aren't you?'  
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be  
cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be  
careful.'  

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

When my grandson asked me how old I was , I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear Grandpa," he advised, "Mine says I'm 4-6". 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. And we picked raspberries in the woods,"

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, " I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner." 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                   Creative Exam papers

 

1.  In which battle did Napoleon die?

     ans:    HIs last one.

2.  Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

    ans:  On the bottom of the page.

3.  River Ravi flows in which state?

   ans:  Liquid state.

4.  What is the number 1 reason for divorce?

    ans:  Marriage.

5.  What is the main reason for exams?

     Ans:  Failure.

6.  What can you never eat for breakfast?

     Ans:    Lunch and dinner    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

WHY (cont.)

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Why don't psychics ever win the lottery?

 

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'Practice"?   

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store for thier prescriptions, and healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers large fries and a diet soda?

Why do banks leave the vault door wide open and chain the pen to the counter?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and fill our garage with useless junk?

Why are they called 'apartments', when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the 'rush'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat the 2 mosquitoes? 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

TOP 10 REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN....

 

10.  You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 9.   You can keep  one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 8.   If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 7.  Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 6.  Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 5.  A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 4.  Guns function normally every day of the month.

 3.  A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 2.  A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 1.  And the #1 reason why men prefer guns over women.......

You can buy a silencer for a gun.  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                      HIGH SCHOOL 1957 vs 2013

 

SCENARIO  1.

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957--  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2013--  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teacher.

 

SCENARIO 2

 

  Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

 

1957--Crowd gathers, Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands, and end up buddies.

2013--  Police called and SWAT team arrives...they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charges with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A BIG WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST CYBER FRIEND....  WILLIS2003 ! 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man and woman are in bed getting ready to have sex..

The woman says softly to the man , "How about saying some dirty things to me?"

The man leans toward her and whispers...

"The bathroom, the kitchen, the cat litter box, and the dishes."   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose) he wrote on a piece of paper. "Please wake me at 5 a.m."  He left it where she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....

The paper said, "It is 5AM Wake up!"  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

My young Grandson called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him 72. My grandson was quiet for a moment and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her...

I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly couple, Lucy and John, were recently attending church services .

About half way through the service, Lucy took out a pen and wrote a note and handed it to John. The note said:

"I just let out a 'silent fart', what should I do?"

John scribbled back.......

"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."  

 

 

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