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Life is too short to joke every day, to some a joke is light-hearted. To ease the pain of loved ones/s lost or to make a person believe that their personal tragedy is not that serious. To me, a joke has to have credibility or reference to a particular circumstance or situation.
A senior gentleman in his 70s owned Florida property with a pond on it. One day, he was walking by the pond when he noticed a bunch of clothing along the shoreline ... and a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. So, after thinking a moment, he walked back to his house and got a bucket filled to the top with fish - and then walked back to the pond.
"Excuse me, ladies," he called out to the women. "This is private property and you're trespassing. I think you should all get out, get dressed and go home."
"No way," one of the women shouted back. "We know you came down here to see us naked."
"Absolutely not," the gentleman replied. He held up the bucket filled to the top with fish, grabbing one of the fish with his free hand, saying, "I come down here about this time every day to feed the alligators."
One more before I go to bed. A woman in her late 80s goes to see her doctor for a routine annual exam and a few simple lab tests. After the tests come back, the doctor goes back to the woman and says, "Your tests came back good. For a woman in her 80s, you're in exceptionally good health. But, before I let you go, let me know if you have any health concerns you'd like to discuss."
The woman blushes and says, "Not really ... not for me, anyway. But my son complains that I fart too much. It's true that I do fart a lot. But, most of them are silent and none of them smell bad."
"Really?" the doctor said in surprise.
"Yes. As a matter of fact, I've farted three times since I came into this office ... and they were all silent and none of them smelled bad."
The doctor nodded and reached into his medicine chest for some sample medication, and replied, "Well, just to keep your son happy, take these pills tonight before you go to bed."
She thanks the doctor and leaves. But the next morning, she's right back at the doctors office. And when the doctor finally sees her, she says "What did you do to me??? This morning, I started farting like I usually do. But the farts were loud and they all smelled terrible!!!"
The doctor smiled and replied, "Great! Now that we've fixed your hearing and sinus issues, let's see what we can do about your gas problem."
And, here's one more. A senior couple is sitting in their rocking chairs on their front porch, rocking back and forth. All of a sudden, the wife stops rocking, gets a scowl on her face, and picks up her cane. Then WHAM! - she brings the cane down hard on her husband's lap.
"What was that for?" asked her shocked husband.
"That's for 50 years of bad sex!" the wife replied. Then, she puts her cane down and they both start rocking in their chairs again. But after a few minutes, the husband stops rocking, gets a scowl on his face, and picks up his cane. Then WHAM! - he brings the cane down hard on his wife's lap.
"What was that for?" asked the shocked wife.
The husband replied, "That's for knowing the difference."
Here's another one. Three senior men are sitting on a park bench. The first man is in his 60s, the second man is in his 70s, and the 3rd man is in his 80s. The following conversation takes place:
Senior #1 -- Every time I go to bed, I have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.
Senior #2 -- That's not all that bad. I have to wake 3 times in the middle of the night to pee. And when I try to pee, only a trickle comes out.
Senior #3 -- You think that's bad? I go to bed at 11pm, sleep through the night, and promptly at 7am I pee like a racehorse!
Seniors #1 & #2 -- What's so bad about that???
Senior #3 -- (lowering his head & blushing) Well, I don't actually wake up until 8am.
Years ago, our nation's highways were graced by "Burma Shave" ads. There would be 4 or 5 ad signs, placed about a mile apart, consisting of prose or poetry that connected to prose or poetry on the next sign. For example:
If the skirts get any shorter ...
... and a mile later ...
And if the wind will not behave...
... and a mile later ...
There'll be two more cheeks to powder...
... and a mile later ...
And one more place to shave.
... and a mile later ...
A coupl in a nusing home announced that they were getting a divorce after 75 years of marriage. The Chaplain was sent to their apartment to counsel them. "Oh, we've been meaning to do this for years. We were just waiting for the children to die."
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on, I hear the Fruit -of -the - Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I'm so ugly that my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a Policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, " I don't know, there's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Thursday.
I'm so ugly . I once worked in a pet shop, and the customers kept asking how big I'd get....
I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I throw upWhat's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me the poster boy for birthcontrol..
I went to the doctor because I had swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got ! We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times.... three of those times I was reading it.
My Uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a prostitute?
It has a sticker that says....... "Idaho'
Two blondes were driving to Disney. The sign said "left" so they started crying and headed home.
Some of the neighbor's kids acrually look better in masks.
What really scares me at Halloween is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts..
Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
The leaves have started changing colors.
Which reminds me, I need to clean out the refrigerator.
If midnight is called "The witching hour," then 6 a.m.
should be called the "bitching hour."
Under no circumstances will I ever let anyone see what
I've got locked up in my basement.
Yep, that's where I keep
the good beer.
Trick-or-treaters can be so cute...
Can you imagine them coming to my door expecting to get something for free.
People who yell "Trick or treat" are giving me one too many options.
Every Halloween I pretend to be the same thing....
Not at home.
HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY TO ALL !
I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station ahead of me!
I put my Grandma on speed dial....
I call that 'instagram'...
Whoever invented 'knock-knock ' jokes
Should get a no-bell prize.
Energizer bunny arrested:
Charged with battery.
The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice Jester.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage as frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them, she called a vet, who answered in a grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me!," he replied.
There were two Catholic boys...Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parrelled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland..and Antonio was born in italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from Kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
They rose through the ranks, and to make a long story short, the world was surprised when Timothy Murphy was elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprised. He knew he was better qualified, and asked for a private session with the cardinals, in which he asked,"Why"?
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we thought of the leader of the Catholic church being called.......
wait for it..........
POPE SECOLA !
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that !"
She said, "I can go out anyway I like, so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker.
The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour puss, I can go as a dick-tator!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO TRICK OR TREATING WHEN :
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you..
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can''t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
NO MATTER, HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN ANYWAY !
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween fancy costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
But the man is offended that the ourfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
Another parcel arrives with a note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, as the costume draws attention to his bald head.
A few weeks later hi receives a very small parcel with an accompanying letter:
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest that you pour the syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse, and go as a toffee apple!
An airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free!
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking them how the trip was....
72% of them gave the same reply.... "What trip??"
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation, lost his wallet and all of his ID.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way back home, but was stopped by US Customs Agents at the border...
"May I see your ID please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," he replied.
"Sure Buddy, I hear that everyday. No ID, no entry."
"But I can prove I'm an American," he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt, and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see." replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his trousers and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right! " exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
"Thanks," he said, "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
The agent replied, "I recognized O'Bama in the middle."
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