Twelve Itailan priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, nude model danced before them....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction..
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final priest, Carlos.... Poor Carlos, as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest, and bent over to pick it up...... all the other bells started ringing !
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.
These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here... but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB, when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train...
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply from his dad.
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go get yourself a train too!
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her? husband??? was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
Two fellows from the deep South were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and have sex with your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
A man and wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad." I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.: "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you all for a long time."
"You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other, but we just never found the time to get married."....
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean were bastards?"
Frank always looked on the bright side...He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank coould find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself.! "
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse.".....
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend. "Could it have been worse?"
"Well, " replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now.!"
Two priests are in the Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them notices that the others penis has a Nicoderm patch on it ! He commented, "I believe you are supposed to put that on your arm or shoulder. The other replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."