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Redneck love poem cont.
Cut from the best cloth..
like a plaid flannel shirt..
you spark up my life..
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight..
like a padded gunrack..
my life is complete..
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Me 'n you's like a Moon Pie..
with a RC cold drank..
we go together..
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolates..
for Valentine's Day..
They git it at Wal-Mart..
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses..
on that special day..
from the cooler at Kroger
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds..
from a flea market booth..
"Diamonds are forever"
they explain suave and cooth.
But for this man, honey...
these won't do..
cause yor'e too special..
you sweet thang you !
I got you a gift..
without taste nor odor..
more useful than diamonds..
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR !!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Y'ALL !
REDNECK LOVE POEM
Collards is green...
my dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so lucky..
to have a sweet thang like you !
Yore hair is like cornsilk..
a-flappin' in the breeze..
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass..
which excite me in May..
You ain't got no scales..
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry..
jist a fry'n in the pan..
Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud..
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms..
Well, I'm in hawg heaven..
and awed by yore charms.
Them fellas at work
they all want to know..
what I did to deserve,
such a purdy yung doe!
Like a good roll of duct tape,
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles..
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a Junebug..
a-buzzin' overhead..
You ain't mean like those far ants,
I found in my bed.
(to be cont.)
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION A FEW YEARS AGO. THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss...
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed !
T thought that I could love no other..
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head!
Of loving beauty you float with grace...
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot...
This describes everything you are not!
I want to feel your sweet embrace...
But don't take that paper bag off of your face. 
FUN VALENTINE RIDDLES ! ♥♥♥
1. How do you get a hocky player to kiss you?
ans. Just pucker up.
2. How did the Knight see the Princess in the dark?
ans. He used a Knight light.
3. Why did the fig go out with the prune?
ans. Because it couldn't get a date. 
♥♥♥♥
VALENTINE PICKUP LINES:
I lost my phone number, could I have yours?
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
Would you like to be king/queen of my double-wide trailer?
welcome to our newest cyber friend:
CHELLINNI
May you find a few smiles everyday ! 
On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes...
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things..
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candle light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp dipped in caviar into the hollow center of each curtain rod...
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly the house began to smell...
They tried everything; mopping, cleaning, and airing -out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked !
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
People stopped coming over...
The maid quit.
Finally they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move...But a month later, even though they'd cut their price in half, they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that wasly 1/10th of what the house had been worth.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....
and to spite the ex-wife....... they even took the curtain rods!
I love a happy ending, don't you? 
More quips by Henny Youngman:
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good." said the mother, "I've been very weak." ....
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible !"
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want to have my mouth full in case you should call." 
My hubby asked me to get him a newspaper...
I said, "Don't be silly, use my tablet."
That spider never knew what hit it !
We love that this hangs above someone’s sink! Remember to always brush all of your teeth.
A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBER:
bk5835
May many smiles greet you each day !
Mhmm… sound logic… *eye roll*
THE MOST WASTED OF ALL
DAYS, IS ONE WITHOUT
LAUGHTER.
e.e.Cummings
For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed both laws... gay
marriage, and legalized marijuana.
The face that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the
same day, makes perfect biblical sense. Because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before. 
Mirror, mirror on the wall..
You're not playing fair at all !
I'm really now upset with you..
For giving me your distorted view!
You show my hair is turning gray...
It's just the way the shadows play.
I know that you're not hanging straight..
To make me look so over weight.
The way you show my double chin...
Is just the way the light comes in.
I think I'm fine, but you're unwise..
To put such accent on my thighs.
I wish you'd try to be my friend...
And tell me I'm a little thin.
Just tell me I look good in jeans...
And frilly shirts and pretty things.
Please don't let the wrinkles show...
I'd like to have a pretty glow.
I see you won't respond at all...
So I'll just tear you off the wall ! 
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. she proudly said. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good." said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good,Jenny." said the teacher.
Eventually it was little Johnny's turn ...... the teacher held her breath....
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467." he said.
"What on earth were you selling?" asked the teacher.
"Toothbrushes." said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possible sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town." said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip&Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing..."Hey, this tastes like dog sh--!"
Then I would say... "It is dog sh--! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh--ty for free, and then making you pay to get the sh--ty taste out of your mouth." 
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