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Lessons from Mom
My mother taught me... LOGIC :
"Because I said so, that's why !"
My Mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids...and I hope they will turn out just like you !"
KUDOS TO ALL NURSES OUT THERE !
"Of course I won't laugh." said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then." said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part she had ever seen....almost identical to a AAA battery...
Unable to hold a giggle back, the nurse apologized. "I promise on my honor as a nurse and a lady, that it won't happen again. Now tell me what the problem is."
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
The nurse ran out of the room..... 
The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run !"
The next batter hit a single and the irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "Run ! Run !"
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called, "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Run, run ye stupid idiot, run !"
The people around him began laughing....
Embarrassed, the irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run...he's got four balls"
The Irishman stood up and screamed..
"Walk with pride, laddie !" 
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May you always have..
Walls for the wind..
A roof for the rain...
Tea beside the fire..
Laughter to cheer you..
Those you love near you..
And all your heart
Might desire.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of fresh air. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead on his front lawn... He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, " Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites."
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: " Aye, tis certainly true...but we are also obligated to notify the next of kin." 
An attractive blonde from Ireland, arrived at the casino.She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice...
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squeeled...."YES! YES ! I WON, I WON !"
She hugged each of the dealers, an then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked," What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks
Not all blondes are dumb
But all men.... are men ! 
**********************************************************************
May the wind..
at your back...
not be the
result..
of the cornbeef
and cabbage
you had for lunch..
*********************************************************************
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to pass the beer and wine section.
One asks the other if she would like to have a beer..
The other answered that she would be uneasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said she would handle it, picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on her face and the first nun said, "It's for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels into the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the rollers."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there...
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
There was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:
CHELLINI
MY3302
Smiles to you everyday ! 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken"...She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, as everyone in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the Principals' office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked what my favorite live animal was... I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken...She sent me back to the Principals' office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents told me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, she asked us to tell her what famous person we admire the most.....................
I told her, "Colonel Sanders"
Guess where I am now? 
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.. The barbers were even afraid to start up a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair, reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been to a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you sir?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the USA, wandering aimlessly and starving..
They are about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says,"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk!"
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree !"
"Luis..maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree !"
With that Luis staggers towards the tree....He gets within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breathe:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees..... Ees..........Ees...
A ham bush...
Husband takes his wife to a disco...
There's a guy on the dance floor living it up.
Break dancing,moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife says to hubby, "See that guy ? 25 yrs.ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down."
Hubby says, "Looks like he's still celebrating." 
An old cowboy from Wyoming,walks into a barber shop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off, because his cheeks are wrinkled from old age..
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cawboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
Whis he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber, "That was the cleanest shave I've had in years." But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the ball.
The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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