AARP Eye Center
- AARP Online Community
- Games
- Games Talk
- SongTheme
- Games Tips
- Leave a Game Tip
- Ask for a Game Tip
- AARP Rewards
- AARP Rewards Connect
- Earn Activities
- Redemption
- AARP Rewards Tips
- Ask for a Rewards Tip
- Leave a Rewards Tip
- Caregiving
- Caregiving
- Grief & Loss
- Caregiving Tips
- Ask for a Caregiving Tip
- Leave a Caregiving Tip
- AARP Help
- Membership
- Benefits & Discounts
- General Help
- Entertainment Forums
- Rock N' Roll
- Let's Play Bingo!
- Leisure & Lifestyle
- Health Forums
- Brain Health
- Conditions & Treatments
- Healthy Living
- Medicare & Insurance
- Health Tips
- Ask for a Health Tip
- Leave a Health Tip
- Home & Family Forums
- Friends & Family
- Introduce Yourself
- Housing
- Late Life Divorce
- Our Front Porch
- Money Forums
- Budget & Savings
- Scams & Fraud
- Retirement Forum
- Retirement
- Social Security
- Technology Forums
- Computer Questions & Tips
- About Our Community
- Travel Forums
- Destinations
- Work & Jobs
- Work & Jobs
- AARP Online Community
- Home & Family Forums
- Our Front Porch
- Re: Senior Citizen stories, jokes and cartoons.
Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Float this Topic for Current User
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Printer Friendly Page
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.
Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves.
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Solved! Go to Solution.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
@GailL1 thank you for your kind comments.
I started posting on AARP in January 2009. There have been many changes since then.
The Front Porch and other topics are a much kinder place than back in those days. Politics are a no, no now.
So is religion and arguments.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
Four ‘Senior’ women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a rosebud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, “She doesn’t know it yet, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
The Internet What’s that?
“C’mon Ma you have got to try it!” I pleaded to my elderly Mother.
I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough, I thought.
“Ok,” she said, reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses. “What do I do now?”
“Now I’m going to open the home page of Google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question,” I confidently assured her.
My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
My wife was complaining about how I'm not spontaneous or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since I'm not very creative, I had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work.
I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and then she went to touch it.
I yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat.
I think she's leaving me now. I'll probably miss her.
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,
'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom.
Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'
The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
Okay, this is tinged with UK slang and locations but I think it should play well here. Let's see!
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “ I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
SENIOR MARRIAGE
There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
The next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he
say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you're from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
THE ROOSTER CONTEST
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these hens, why just look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you none
.”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”
The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
They line up in the back of the farmhouse, one of the hens clucks, “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife “Dag nabbit, Martha! That's the third gay rooster that I've bought this week!”
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”
“You jerk!” yells a voice from
the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,”
says the judge.
“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.
“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
- Mark as New
- Bookmark
- Subscribe
- Mute
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Permalink
- Report
Those pesky politickers!
A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. When he reached for his wallet to pay, the barber the barber said, "Oh no! No, no! I'm doing this for community service.. I can't accept your money."
The florist graciously thanked him.
Next morning when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the florist and a dozen carnations.
Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. He asked for a haircut, which the barber graciously provided. When the policeman reached for his wallet, the barber's reply was the same, "Oh, no, it's okay. I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."
The policeman thanked him profusely and left the shop.
Next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the policeman and a dozen donuts.
Still later that day, a senator came into the barber shop.
He got a haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, "Oh no, sir, I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."
The senator, looking surprised, thanked him and left.
The next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there were a dozen Senators on his doorstep!
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
"I downloaded AARP Perks to assist in staying connected and never missing out on a discount!" -LeeshaD341679