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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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In response to all the Emails about my dog:

 

Please be advised I'm sick and tired of answering questions about him. Yes, he bit 6 people wearing O'Bama T-shirts, 4 people wearing Pelosi T-shirts, 2 car drivers with O'Bama/ Reid bumper stickers, 9 flag burners and a Pakistani taxi driver...

 

For the last time, the dog IS NOT FOR SALE !

 

No. I do note approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get rid of the "Bad taste" in his mouth.

 

 

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Dear Mother-in-law,

 

"Don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours. You don't know sh--!"

 

 

Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives wew missing the target!

 

Suddenly he received a call from her. "HI, what are you doing?"

 

HIs honest reply......................... "MISSING YOU ."

 

 

 

 

A lady to doctor:

 

"My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

 

Dr:

 

"Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake."

 

 

 

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife...   Natural disasters just happen.

 

 

Doctor:     "Mad'am, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."

 

Wife:      " Doc, when should I give them to him?"

 

Dod:      " They're for you !! "

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Here's to Lamar Odom... on being the first guy in history to have coke and a hooker save his marriage. 

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During sex, you burn as much calories as running for five miles!

 

Who the hell runs five miles in 30 seconds? 

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One fine day, in the middle of the night...

Two dead boys got up to fight.

 

Back to back they faced each other...

Took out their swords and shot each other.

 

A deaf and dumb policeman heard the noise..

Got up and shot, the two dead boys.

 

If you don't believe this story's true..

Ask my blind Uncle, he saw it too !

 

 

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By pumpkins fat..

 

And witches lean...

 

 

By black cool cats

 

With eyes of green.

 

 

By all the happiness

 

ever dreamed..

 

 

I wish you all a safe    H N   

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"Hello, you've reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Bob, how can I help you?"

 

"Hi, Bob. I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for months now that my wife is cheating on me. There have been the usual signs. The phone rings, and if I answer, they hang up. Plus she goes out with the 'girls' a lot. 

 

Last night I hid behind my boat in the garage and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then removed her panties from her purse and slipped them on."

 

It was then that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting brackett. Is that something I can repair, or would I need to replace the whole brackett?"

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Have you all read Donald Trump's new little book?  It's only one chapter long.   

 

 

Chapter 11

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Maxine says:

 

 

"If you come to my house Halloween, don't be surprised if you see a couple of scarey goblins. 

 

I sometimes forget to button my housecoat."

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Want to hear something REALLY scary?

 

There's still 12 months until the elections are over !  

 

 

 

 

                          HAPPHALLOWEEN  Cat Mad

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A man brings his best friend home to dinner unannounced at 7:30 p.m. after work.

 

His wife begins screaming at him, and his friend just sits and listens in.

 

Wife:

 

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm in my PJ's and can't be bothered with cooking tonight !  Why the Hell did you bring him home?"

 

Hubby:

 

"Because he's thinking of getting married, and I promised him a demo." 

 

 

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A guy walks out of the restroom.

 

Girl :

 

"Your garage door is open."

 

Guy:

 

"Did you see my Harley?"

 

Girl:

 

"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires."

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I do not like this Uncle Sam

I do not like his Health Care Scam..

 

I do not like these dirty crooks

Or how they lie and cook the books...

 

I do not like when Congress steals

I do not like their 'Sweetheart deals'.

 

I did not like that speaker man..

I do not like  "Yes we can ! "

 

I do not like the spending spree..

I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.

 

I do not like their smug replies..

When I complain about their lies.

 

I do not like this kind of hope

I do not like it  NOPE, NOPE, NOPE !  

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"If it got dark any earlier, we wouldn't have to get up at all." 

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It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,

Who has given us freedom of religion.

 

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,

Who has given us freedom of the press.

 

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,

Who has given us freedom of speech.

 

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,

Who has given us freedom to assemble.

 

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,

Who has given us the right to a fair trial.

 

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,

Who has given us the right to vote.

 

It is the VETERAN, 

Who salutes the Flag!

 

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

 

VETERANS KNOW THAT THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE HAS NO EXPIRATION DATE.

 

 

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I get excited about the new shows on TV, because they remind me that there will always be something to complain about.

 

 

 

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"If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates."

 

Jay Leno

 

 

"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."

 

Henry Cate Vll ~

 

 

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

 

Aesop 

 

 

"If we got one- tenth of what was promised to us in Election speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to Heaven."

 

Will Rogers

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"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become Prime Minister or President. I'm beginning to believe it."

 

Clarence Darrow

 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

 

Unknown author

 

 

"Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel."

 

John Quinton

 

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other."

 

Oscar Ameringer

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One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O Honey, so he took Miss Hershey downtown to the corner of Main and 5th Avenue. 

 

He began to feel her Mounds with his Butterfinger, that was pure Almond Joy.

 

It made her Tootsie Roll and he let out a Snicker and she screamed, "Oh Henry!. You are even better than the Musketeers."

 

Soon she became Chunky, and nine months later Baby Ruth was born. 

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" I'm learning to knit, so I'll have something else to swear at during these long November nights."

 

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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DAY IS DONE..

 

GONE THE SUN..

 

FROM THE LAKES,

 

FROM THE HILLS,

 

FROM THE SKY...

 

 

ALL IS WELL..

 

SAFELY REST..

 

GOD IS NIGH.

 

 

  

                                      KUDOTALVETERANS  !

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MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY..

 

MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.

 

MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY,

 

HAVE NEVER A LUMP.

 

 

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,

 

AND YOUR  PIES TAKE THE PRIZE.

 

AND MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER,

 

STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS ! 

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1.     Go buy a turkey

 

2.     Have a drink of whiskey.

 

3.     Put the turkey in the oven.

 

4.     Take another drink of whiskey.

 

5.     Set the degree at 375 ovens.

 

6.     Take another drink of whiskey.

 

7.     Turn oven the on.

 

8.     Take another drink of whiskey.

 

9.     Turk the bastey.

 

10.   Whiskey another bottle get.

 

11.   Stick a turket in the thermometer.

 

12.   Glass yourself a pour of whickey.

 

13,   Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.

 

14.   Take the oven out of the turkey.

 

15.   Take the oven out of the turkey.

 

16.   Floor the turkey up off the pick.

 

17.   Turk the carvey.

 

18.   Get yourself another scottle of botch.

 

19.   Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

 

20.   Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

 

 

                     

 

              HaPpY   thaNkSHgiVING

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"The most remarkable

 

thing about my mother,

 

is that for thirty years

 

she served the family

 

nothing but leftovers.

 

The original meal has

 

never been found."

 

 

Calvin Trillin

 

 

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"Spare me the woman who serves a plate

 

of naked vegetables."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Erma Bombeck

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Newbie

It's the movements in our bodies the blind can see and the tones of the volumes of our voices the deaf can hear!
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Newbie

I am sorry in your text you appear unhappy!
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Newbie

kale is healthy and so are most cooking or prep oils!
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Newbie

Not cool; we live in a society that gives us the right to voice our own opinions!
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Newbie

they have to live!
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