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Gold Conversationalist

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Just found out my local hairdresser got arrested for selling pot...

I've been going to her for four years now. I never realized she cut hair!  

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By Jeff Foxworthy

 

 

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the irish, Italians,Polish, Hungarians, Chinese, French, the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc. but it's insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims? 

 

Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politicially incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims.

 

1.  If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.

 

2. If you own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, you may be a Muslim.

 

3.  If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

 

4.  If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, you may be a Muslim.

 

5.  If you think vests come in two styles. Bullet-proof and suicide, you may be a Muslim. 

 

6.  If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, you may be a Muslim. 

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A GOOD LAUGH,

AND A LONG SLEEP,

ARE THE TWO BEST CURES

FOR ANYTHING. 

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. ..."Rabbi,"  something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "Yes." and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

 

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.  Smiley Frustrated

 

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear." he said, "Of course John," his wife said softly.

 

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob.

" But I thought you hated Bob." she said.

 

With his last breath John said,   " I do ! "

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WHERE WILL YOU BE SITTING IN ETERNITY?

SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

 

CHURCH PARKING...

TRESPASSERS

WILL BE BAPTIZED

 

HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER?

WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT!

 

EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND

IS A GOOD ONE

 

ADAM BLAMED EVE

EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE

AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T 

HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

 

TRY OUR SUNDAYS

THEY ARE BETTER THAN

BASKIN-ROBBINS

 

ASPIRE TO INSPIRE

BEFORE YOU EXPIRE.

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BAD TO COME IN..

YOU ARE NOT TOO GOOD TO STAY OUT.

 

 

 

 

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Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere.. showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico. 

 

In the small town of Guadalupe, **bleep**. south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving.

 

As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told reporters through an interpreter, "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal !"

 

The effects of the exsodus are being felt by Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

 

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlors are in absolute state of panic!

 

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

 

Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

 

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This is something that happened in an assisted living center...

 

The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

 

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on the his door to see if everything was OK.

 

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

 

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room, and she found him on the stairs.

 

He was coming down the stairs but having a hell of a time !

 

He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

 

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.

 

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

 

A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

 

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

 

 

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One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey- are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks." he replied.

"You look frazzled, the woman said. Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you." he answered. "But I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on." the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted."I can see you cut your head, it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away, I'm a nurse."

She was very persuasive... and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked about golf, and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. 

Finally he confessed, "I'm feeling alot better now, I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly," the woman said with a smile, "She won't know anything . By the way, where is your wife?"

"Under the cart." he replied.  Cat Surprised

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Thank God for dirty dishes....

They have a tale to tell.

While others may go hungry,

We're eating very well.

With home, health and happiness, I shouldn't want to fuss.

By the stack of evidence ,

God's been very good to us! 

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Blondes be like.............

 

"I saw your phone. Who the hell is Amber alert ??" 

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HEIDI.....       noun...greeting.

 

HIRE YEW.....  Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usuage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

 

BARD... verb. Past tense of "to borrow". Usuage:  "My brother bard my pickup truck."

 

JAWJUH... noun. "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." 

CAPITAL:   HOT-LANTA.

 

MUNTS.... noun. "I ain't herd from him in munts."

 

FAR..... noun. "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."     Smiley Surprised

 

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A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

 

 

My doctor grabbed me by my wallet and said, "Cough!"

 

 

 

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."

 

She said, "We can't do that !"

 

I told her, "You did it last week. " 

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Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you? "

 

The Lord replies, "A minute."

 

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

 

The Lord replies, "A penny."

 

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

 

The Lord replies, "In a minute."  Smiley Wink

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 MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY :

 

PIKACHU

 

 

"I took my wife to the shoe store. I was tired so I said, "Hurry up and pikachu!" 

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

 

Artie said, "I would like them to say he was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 

Eugene commented, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 

Al said, " I'd like them to say.... " Look, he's moving!" 

 

 

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Women and cats will do as they please...

 

And men and dogs should relax and get used to it.

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Thanks Billy.... have a great day.

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A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the Universtiy. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best educaton, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

 

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, lawyer, and a financial planner. Each was very successful financially. When their father's time came and they saw their father in his coffin, they remembered his wish.

 

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 dollar bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn...

He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. 

 

He later went on to become a member of Congress.

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At any given moment:

 

FACT:    79,000,000 pepople are having sex, right now.

 

FACT:    58,000,000 are kissing.

 

FACT:   37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

FACT:   1 old person is reading emails.

 

 

YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE.. Smiley Frustrated 

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1.  I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people, I'm just saying let's remove alll the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 

2.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 

3.  You can tell alot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.

 

4.  You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

5.  I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around the courtroom.

 

6.  I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row. 

 

7.  I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the gym this morning.

 

8.  Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

 

9.  Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

10.  Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

 

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Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

 

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way, he met a farmer on a donkey. Upon seeing the king, the farmer said, " Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied; "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust hi and I will continue on my way. " So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see me donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 

So the king hired the donkey.

 

And thus began the practice of hiring ( and electing) dumb **bleep**es to work in the government and occupy its highest and influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date !

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Recognized Social Butterfly

@BonnieC10   Funny!!

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father walked her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the groom was waiting.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

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An attractive blonde from Ireland, arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes."

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes!  I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb... but all men.. are men ! 

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The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected, is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed. 

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Messages  seen on church signs:

 

 

YOU MAY PARTY

       IN HELL

BUT YOU WILL BE

     THE BBQ !

 

 

 

KEEP USING MY NAME

             IN VAIN

I'LL MAKE RUSH HOUR

           LONGER

 

 

THERE ARE SOME

QUESTIONS THAT

CAN'T BE

ANSWERED

BY GOOGLE

 

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS,

TEXT WHILE DRIVING

IF YOU WANT TO

MEET HIM....

 

THOU SHALL NOT STEAL

THE COPPER FROM THE AC UNIT.

 

READ THE BIBLE

IT'S USER FRIENDLY.

PLUS WE OFFER TECH

SUPPORT HERE

ON SUNDAYS.

     BY GOOGLE

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HAPPY 4TH OJUL!

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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold every object that you own. If it does not bring you joy, you throw it away.

 

So far, I have thrown out all the veggies, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror and my treadmill.  Smiley Wink

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