AARP and the photographers of Magnum Photos look at older people living in new ways around the world in A New Age.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

 

Artie said, "I would like them to say he was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 

Eugene commented, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 

Al said, " I'd like them to say.... " Look, he's moving!" 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 452 of 2,648

Women and cats will do as they please...

 

And men and dogs should relax and get used to it.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 453 of 2,648

Thanks Billy.... have a great day.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 454 of 2,648

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the Universtiy. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best educaton, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

 

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, lawyer, and a financial planner. Each was very successful financially. When their father's time came and they saw their father in his coffin, they remembered his wish.

 

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 dollar bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn...

He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. 

 

He later went on to become a member of Congress.

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 455 of 2,648

At any given moment:

 

FACT:    79,000,000 pepople are having sex, right now.

 

FACT:    58,000,000 are kissing.

 

FACT:   37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

FACT:   1 old person is reading emails.

 

 

YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE.. Smiley Frustrated 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 456 of 2,648

1.  I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people, I'm just saying let's remove alll the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 

2.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 

3.  You can tell alot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.

 

4.  You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

5.  I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around the courtroom.

 

6.  I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row. 

 

7.  I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the gym this morning.

 

8.  Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

 

9.  Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

10.  Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 457 of 2,648

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

 

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way, he met a farmer on a donkey. Upon seeing the king, the farmer said, " Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied; "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust hi and I will continue on my way. " So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see me donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 

So the king hired the donkey.

 

And thus began the practice of hiring ( and electing) dumb **bleep**es to work in the government and occupy its highest and influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date !

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 458 of 2,648

@BonnieC10   Funny!!

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 459 of 2,648

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father walked her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the groom was waiting.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 460 of 2,648

An attractive blonde from Ireland, arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes."

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes!  I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb... but all men.. are men ! 

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