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Valued Social Butterfly
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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 461 of 2,654

At any given moment:

 

FACT:    79,000,000 pepople are having sex, right now.

 

FACT:    58,000,000 are kissing.

 

FACT:   37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

 

FACT:   1 old person is reading emails.

 

 

YOU HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE.. Smiley Frustrated 

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Valued Social Butterfly
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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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1.  I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people, I'm just saying let's remove alll the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

 

2.  I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

 

3.  You can tell alot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably unhappy.

 

4.  You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

 

5.  I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word 'premeditated' gets thrown around the courtroom.

 

6.  I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row. 

 

7.  I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the gym this morning.

 

8.  Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

 

9.  Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

10.  Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

 

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Valued Social Butterfly
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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

 

So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way, he met a farmer on a donkey. Upon seeing the king, the farmer said, " Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied; "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust hi and I will continue on my way. " So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see me donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 

So the king hired the donkey.

 

And thus began the practice of hiring ( and electing) dumb **bleep**es to work in the government and occupy its highest and influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date !

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 464 of 2,654

@BonnieC10   Funny!!

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father walked her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the groom was waiting.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.

Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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An attractive blonde from Ireland, arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes."

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "Yes! Yes!  I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know....I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb... but all men.. are men ! 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 467 of 2,654

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected, is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 468 of 2,654

Messages  seen on church signs:

 

 

YOU MAY PARTY

       IN HELL

BUT YOU WILL BE

     THE BBQ !

 

 

 

KEEP USING MY NAME

             IN VAIN

I'LL MAKE RUSH HOUR

           LONGER

 

 

THERE ARE SOME

QUESTIONS THAT

CAN'T BE

ANSWERED

BY GOOGLE

 

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS,

TEXT WHILE DRIVING

IF YOU WANT TO

MEET HIM....

 

THOU SHALL NOT STEAL

THE COPPER FROM THE AC UNIT.

 

READ THE BIBLE

IT'S USER FRIENDLY.

PLUS WE OFFER TECH

SUPPORT HERE

ON SUNDAYS.

     BY GOOGLE

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 469 of 2,654

HAPPY 4TH OJUL!

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold every object that you own. If it does not bring you joy, you throw it away.

 

So far, I have thrown out all the veggies, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror and my treadmill.  Smiley Wink

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