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- Re: Re:Senior Citizen stories, jokes and cartoons.
Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.
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Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.
Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves.
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Solved! Go to Solution.
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Okay, this is tinged with UK slang and locations but I think it should play well here. Let's see!
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, โI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.โ
โDad, what are you talking about?โ the son screams.
โWe canโt stand the sight of each other any longer,โ the father says. โWeโre sick of each other and Iโm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.โ
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. โLike heck theyโre getting divorced!โshe shouts, โ Iโll take care of this!โ
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, โYou are NOT getting divorced. Donโt do a single thing until I get there. Iโm calling my brother back, and weโll both be there tomorrow. Until then, donโt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?โ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,. โSorted! Theyโre coming for Christmas โ and theyโre paying their own way"
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
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SENIOR MARRIAGE
There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, โWill you marry me?โ
After about six seconds of โcareful consideration,โ she answered. โYes. Yes, I will.โ
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
The next morning, he was troubled.
โDid she say โyesโ or did she say โnoโ?โ He couldnโt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didnโt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, โWhen I asked if you would marry me, did you say โYesโ or did you say โNoโ?โ
He was delighted to hear her say, โWhy, I said, โYes, yes I willโ and I meant it with all my heart.โ
Then she continued, โI am so glad that you called because I couldnโt remember who had asked me.โ
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
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ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
โMaโam, did you know you were speeding?โ the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, โWhat did he
say?โ
โHe said you were speeding!โ the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, โMay I see your license?โ
The woman turned to her husband again, โWhat did he say?โ
The old man yelled back, โHe wants to see your license!โ
The woman then gave the officer her license.
โI see you're from Arkansas,โ the patrolman said. โI spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman Iโve ever seen!โ
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, โWhat did he say?โ
The old man replied, โHe said he knows you!โ
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
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THE ROOSTER CONTEST
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says โOK, old fellow, time to retire.โ
The old rooster says, โYou canโt handle all these hens, why just look at what it did to me!โ
The young rooster replies, โNow, donโt give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.โ
The old rooster says, โAw, cโmonโฆ..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I wonโt bother you none
.โ
The young rooster says, โScram! Beat it! Youโre washed up! Iโm taking over!โ
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, โIโll tell you what, young fellow, Iโll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if Iโm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?โ
The young rooster says, โSure, why not, you know Iโll still beat you.โ
They line up in the back of the farmhouse, one of the hens clucks, โGo!โ and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees whatโs going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife โDag nabbit, Martha! That's the third gay rooster that I've bought this week!โ
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
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A judge tells the defendant, โYouโre charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.โ
โYou jerk!โ yells a voice from โจthe back of the courtroom.
โYouโre also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,โ โจsays the judge.
โJerrrrkkkk!โ bellows the same man.
โSir,โ says the judge, โone more outburst, and Iโll charge you with contempt.โ
โIโm sorry, your Honor,โ says the man. โBut Iโve been this jerkโs neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didnโt have one!โ
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Those pesky politickers!
A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. When he reached for his wallet to pay, the barber the barber said, "Oh no! No, no! I'm doing this for community service.. I can't accept your money."
The florist graciously thanked him.
Next morning when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the florist and a dozen carnations.
Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. He asked for a haircut, which the barber graciously provided. When the policeman reached for his wallet, the barber's reply was the same, "Oh, no, it's okay. I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."
The policeman thanked him profusely and left the shop.
Next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the policeman and a dozen donuts.
Still later that day, a senator came into the barber shop.
He got a haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, "Oh no, sir, I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."
The senator, looking surprised, thanked him and left.
The next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there were a dozen Senators on his doorstep!
It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice.
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There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. |
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I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. \
"She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know
where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
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GRANDPARENTS:
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she had applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
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Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt.
As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt.
Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet,
and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill
on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl quickly snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."
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One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The man said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The man replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The man replied, "I did, and it worked out great! Now I don't feel ashamed at all!"