Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

Where Were You?

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. \

"She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know

where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

[DaveMcK]

GRANDPARENTS:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she had applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.... 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

[nahchoo]

Much wisdom floweth, from the mouths of babes! Thanks for sharing those. Kids Say The Darndest Things was always my favorite part of the Art Linkletter show.  😊

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[nahchoo]

Now that's funny, no matter where you're from! Thanks!

[DavidE760644]

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."

"And did you mail it?"

"No, she forgot to give me the letter."

[DavidE760644]

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt.

As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt.

Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet,

and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill

on which he had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

[nahchoo]

Shrewd dude, that grandpa! Thanks!

[DavidE760644]

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl quickly snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."

[DavidE760644]

One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The man said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The man replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The man replied, "I did, and it worked out great! Now I don't feel ashamed at all!"

[DavidE760644]

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer.

"That was supposed to happen in your driveway."

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

How The fight Got Started......

[DavidE760644]

Sorry About the Weight

My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a fast-food restaurant,

he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out that a shake isn't exactly the best snack

for someone who wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his order.

The long line must have given him time to make the connection between his order and his waistline. As the woman handed him his shake, she said, "Sorry about the wait."

"That's okay," he replied. "I'm going to lose it."

[DavidE760644]

Handy Around the House.

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything.

You'll never get anything new.

[DaveMcK]

SENIOR PERSONAL ADS

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4 (used to be 5’6) searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

I usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

[DavidE760644]

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead he heard the following from one quick wit in the back,

"You got the right place!" 

[DavidE760644]

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came

down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magma **bleep** laud from law school,

are intelligent, and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one,

so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, the senior partner chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why

I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay

down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.

What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" 

[DavidE760644]

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.

So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.

She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.

He just looks at her and says, “You don't scare me. I am married to your sister!”

[DaveMcK]