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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

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One of my favorite plays is " Stop the world - I want to get off"!

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

 

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

 

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

 

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. So he asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

 

And the farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks and in on the back of the head with a frying pan. 

 

He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

 

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

 

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

 

He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called!"

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

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Merious British artist Banksy has recognized health care workers in a new piece displayed in Southampton General Hospital. The painting, which was published on Banksy's Instagram account Wednesday, was hung as a tribute to the hospital's workers tackling the coronavirus pandemic.

The artwork depicts a small boy dressed in a T-shirt and overalls kneeling next to a bin. He has replaced his usual toy superheroes, Batman and Superman, which lay discarded in the bin for a different hero – a nurse.

Like Superman, the nurse stretches out her hand – and wears a face mask, cape and an apron with a red cross, the only colored element in the otherwise black-and-white painting.

 

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According to the BBC, the artist left a note addressed to the hospital that said: "Thanks for all you're doing. I hope this brightens the place up a bit, even if its only black and white."

 

The 1-square-meter painting, named "Game Changer," will remain in the hospital until autumn and will then be auctioned, the BBC reported. The proceeds will go to the National Health Service (NHS).

The BBC reported the hospital's manager, Paula Head, said everyone in the hospital appreciated the painting.

"It will undoubtedly also boost the morale of everyone who works in our hospital and who is cared for," Head said.

The anonymous artist rose to fame after creating a series of provocative art pieces throughout England. His famed graffiti-style street art, which often denotes socially critical and controversial motifs, has had him dubbed as a vandal by authorities.

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We have been on Lockdown since March 9th and going a little stur crazy! We had some neighbors check up on us this morning. 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Remember that every day is Earth Day!!!!!

 

Link:  https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10221749342182582&id=1226831037&_rdr#

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@DaveMcK,  you made me LOL with your most recent post.  Having said that, here goes my LOL chuckle for today:

 

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.”

 

Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village.

 

Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean.

 

And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here on this farm.”


The guy is flabbergasted.

 

So he asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”


The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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CONVERTING A BEAR

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

 

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

 

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

 

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

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AN OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS

A woman called our airline Customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” the rep said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” The service rep further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The flummoxed customer sheepishly exclaimed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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I may have posted this before but given the times it is still a good laugh!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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A male patient suspected of having COVID-19 is in hospital--laying in bed, and wearing a tightly fitted oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

 

A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

 

As she turns to leave, she hears him call "Nurse!" from behind the mask.  He then mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

Again, she hears him mumble, "Oh, nurse please check for me.  Are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassent and pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

 

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.  They look perfectly fine."

 

The man shaking, slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, 
"Thank you very much.      That was wonderful.     Now listen very, very closely."  "Are - my- test - results - back?"

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Funny Cartoons About Getting Older | Reader's Digest

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Parents do not expect much from us. They just expect that the loan ...

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cartoon - The most romantic love story | Visit50.com: Travel the World

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NBC to Air JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR LIVE on April 12

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NBC to Air JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR LIVE on April 12

 

NBC has announced that it will air Jesus Christ Superstar Live in Concert starring John Legend and Sara Bareilles on Sunday, April 12!

Watch a promo below!

Jesus Christ Superstar Live starred Oscar, Golden Globe, Tony and 10-time Grammy Award winner John Legend has been cast as Jesus Christ, rock legend Alice Cooper as the flamboyant King Herod and acclaimed recording artist, songwriter and Broadway star Sara Bareilles as Mary Magdalene. The cast also features Norm Lewis as Caiaphas, Jin Ha as Annas, and Jason Tam as Peter.

This NBC event will be a one-of-a kind live staging of the iconic 1971 Broadway rock opera with music by Andrew Lloyd Webberand lyrics by Tim Rice. The event will be executive produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Marc Platt, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron.

"Jesus Christ Superstar" was originally conceived as a concept album that hit #1 on the Billboard charts, and eventually made its way to the stage in 1971. It is based on the final week of Jesus' life. The 1971 musical opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway and starred Jeff Fenholt as Jesus and Ben Vereen as Judas. It was nominated for five Tony Awards, including Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical for Vereen. Lloyd Webber won a Drama Desk Award for Most Promising Composer.

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Subject: Coronavirus

The following is a serious composition which I think is quite thought provoking. A friend sent it to me.

The earth whispered but you did not hear.
The earth spoke but you did not listen
The earth screamed but you turned her off.
And so I was born...
I was not born to punish you..
I was born to awaken you..
The earth cried out for help...
Massive flooding. But you didn't listen.
Burning fires. But you didn't listen.
Strong hurricanes. But you didn't listen.
Terrifying Tornadoes. But you didn't listen.
You still don't listen to the earth when.
Ocean animals are dying due to pollutants in the waters.
Glaciers melting at an alarming rate.
Severe drought.
You didn't listen to how much negativity the earth is receiving.
Non-stop wars.
Non-stop greed.
You just kept going on with your life..
No matter how much hate there was..
No matter how many killings daily..
It was more important to get that latest iPhone than worry about what the earth was trying to tell you..
But now I am here.
And I've made the world stop in its tracks.
And I made the world stop...
And now...
China has better air quality.. Skys are clear blue because factories are not spewing pollution unto the earth's air.
The water in Venice is clean and Because the gondola boats that pollute the water are not being used.
YOU are having to take time to reflect on what is important in your life.
Again I am not here to punish you.. I am here to Awaken you...
When all this is over and I am gone... Please remember these moments..
Listen to the earth.
Listen to your soul.
Stop Polluting the earth.
Stop Fighting amongst each other.
Stop caring about materialistic things.
And start loving your neighbors.
Start caring about the earth and all its creatures.
Start believing in a Creator.
Because next time I may come back even stronger....
Signed,
Coronavirus..

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Social Distancing: What It Is, Why It’s Important, How to Do It It’s not the same as a quarantine, and it’s not just for high-risk populations

En español | “Social distancing” is a phrase that’s dominating news headlines and working its way into everyday conversation. A month ago, most Americans had never heard of it. 

“It’s a strange term,” admits Anne Schuchat, principal deputy director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) — one of the federal agencies that has been pushing the practice of social distancing as a way to slow the spread of the illness caused by the new coronavirus. 

“Usually when we talk about health and wellness, it’s all about connectedness and really reaching out and being together with community, family, friends, loved ones. But social distancing means trying to keep some space between you and other people,” Schuchat adds. 

For many communities across the country, this idea of space is quickly becoming the new normal. School districts have canceled classes, professional sports leagues have suspended their seasons, and crowded parks and museums have closed their gates. 

It may seem excessive for those unaffected by the illness. But experts say it works. Here’s how.

 

For the latest coronavirus news and advice go to AARP.org/coronavirus.


What, exactly, is social distancing? 

Social distancing is not the same as quarantining or isolating oneself. It’s simply “trying to keep some space between you and other people” — about six feet of space, Schuchat says. This is why many public events and activities where individuals are typically crammed close to one another are on hold. 

“We think that infections are spread by respiratory droplets, spread when you’re within about six feet of another person. And so avoiding those circumstances where you’re going to be really in close quarters with lots of other people can help achieve social distancing,” Schuchat says. 

Space slows the spread 

A key concept of social distancing is slowing the spread of the epidemic in order to “decrease the pressure on the health care system,” Schuchat says. 

“You can imagine if 100 people were going to get sick over 100 days you would have a certain kind of pressure on the health care system. But if 100 people get sick all in the same day, it’s a different kind of pressure,” she says.  

Staying home as much as possible and avoiding crowded spaces — even if you are young, healthy and symptom-free — helps reduce the risk of infection in the high-risk population. 

Images of overloaded hospitals in Wuhan, China, and Northern Italy have illustrated just how dangerous an overwhelmed health care system can be during a pandemic. If society slows the spread, health care workers can “take better care of every individual person,” Schuchat says.

Social distancing protects high-risk individuals 

Most people who get COVID-19, the illness caused by the new coronavirus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, including fever, cough and shortness of breath, experts say. But for some people, the disease can be far worse. And early data show that older adults and individuals with underlying health conditions — such as diabetes, heart disease and lung disease — are more likely to experience severe illness, even death. 

Staying home as much as possible and avoiding crowded spaces — even if you are young, healthy and symptom-free — helps reduce the risk of infection in the high-risk population. 

“Often before people even know they’re sick, they could spread the virus. And that’s probably why we’ve seen such rapid spread around the world,” Schuchat says. 

In essence: Keeping your distance from others helps keep others healthy. 

“And we’re focusing quite a bit on protecting the vulnerable,” Schuchat adds.  

What does social distancing look like? 

Washing hands and covering coughs and sneezes are among the most important tactics experts say can help keep COVID-19 at bay. But several regions in the U.S. are adding a few more measures to their list of public health precautions.

In areas where the coronavirus is spreading, people are being told to work from home, if they can, and to avoid public places. The White House is urging all Americans to stay home as much as possible and to avoid groups of more than 10 people at least through April. Nonessential travel is also discouraged.

If you need to go to the store, go first thing in the morning when it’s less likely to be crowded, Schuchat says. And try to keep a safe distance from other shoppers. 

Nursing homes have also barred visitors and nonessential employees during the coronavirus outbreak. Officials are encouraging family and friends to check in with loved ones with a phone call or video chat instead. 

“And certainly check on your neighbors who may be keeping themselves at home” to reduce their risk of infection, Schuchat says. If you are healthy, ask “if they need any help with shopping, with groceries, with filling their prescriptions — anything like that,” she adds. 

More on Coronavirus
Woman washing her soapy hands in a bathroom

JODI JACOBSON/GETTY IMAGES

 

How do you know when to practice social distancing? 

The government is urging all Americans to practice social distancing to slow the spread of the illness, but what that looks like may depend on where you live. The situation in New York, for example, may be different than things in Nebraska.

“We have a pretty diverse country,” Schuchat says.

“This virus is new and we’re still learning about it, and we’re trying to apply the best information possible every single day to protect Americans. It’s a changing situation, so stay informed. Keep up with the news, especially in your local area.”

Editor's note: This story was originally published on March 13, 2020. It's been updated to reflect recent social distancing recommendations.

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