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Honored Social Butterfly

Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Honored Social Butterfly

Feeling Old
Courtesy of David R.

 

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things...

 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2002.

 

They are too young to remember the Challenger blowing up on liftoff.

 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

 

The CD was introduced one year before they were born.

 

They have always had an answering machine.

 

They have always had cable.

 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

 

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

 

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is.

 

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

 

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

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Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar.

He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him,

"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure."

The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer!

Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

David Eig
Honored Social Butterfly

Memories

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

 

'Sure.'

 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

 

'No, I can remember it.'

 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.

 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

 

'Where's my toast?'

 

Nothing enhances the good old days more than a poor memory.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Bronze Conversationalist

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

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  • "Will I Live To 80?"
     - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80." 
Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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pooch.jpg

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A man just finishes his LASIK eye surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.

 

"So, would you like the good news or the bad news first?" the surgeon says.

 

The man excitedly replies, "I'll take the good news first!"

 

The surgeon says, "Well, you're about to get a new dog." 

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Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

I-Am-Not-Crazy-I-Am-Just-Special-Funny-Hilarious-Quote-Saying.jpg

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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I'm definitely "Older than Dirt " as I remember 17 out of 17!

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Well, it is official. I am older than dirt!

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moo.jpg

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"KNOCK!  KNOCK!"

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly


@DaveMcK wrote:

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I need to give this one 2 or 3 kudos!

Lydia


 

Honored Social Butterfly

  • KODO IF YOU DID THIS AS A KID!
  •  
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Well, Dave, I remember licking many a cake batter off my fingers and I'm still here to tell it.  But I don't know if the fact that my feet look like those of a chicken has anything to do with the eggs in the batter or if it's just the age in me! 😋 

Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

The problem

with political

jokes is that

they tend to get

elected.

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Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Super Contributor

The teacher asks the class: Where do apples grow?

Smart Samantha answers: On apple trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do pears grow?

Clever Curtis answers: On pear trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do dates grow?

The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand and says: On calendars?

David Eig
Super Contributor

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants

what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said,

“I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

David Eig
Honored Social Butterfly

A TRUCK DRIVER
 
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road. (At this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
 
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
 
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
 
“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”
 
 
 
Honored Social Butterfly

Will I Live To 80?" - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80." 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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THE PHYSICAL

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day, so they could travel together.

 

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

 

“In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

 

“This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

 

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

 

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”

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Honored Social Butterfly

If you've spent much time on the Internet lately, you’ve probably found plenty of reasons to feel hopeless, afraid, or angry. But we've got better news, and we want to share it with you. We gathered loads of reasons to be hopeful, courageous, and kind. Now it's your turn:

Find something to watch or read, share it, and keep spreading hope, not fear.
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Super Contributor

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”

“No.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“That’s why!”
David Eig
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