Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

@DaveMcK,  you made me laff out loud with this last post.  I'm going to definitely send this one around to some unsuspecting friends.  LOL

Thanks.

Lyds

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

One of my favorite plays is " Stop the world - I want to get off"!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. So he asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

And the farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[LydiaN586309]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks and in on the back of the head with a frying pan. 

He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called!"

[LydiaN586309]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Merious British artist Banksy has recognized health care workers in a new piece displayed in Southampton General Hospital. The painting, which was published on Banksy's Instagram account Wednesday, was hung as a tribute to the hospital's workers tackling the coronavirus pandemic.

The artwork depicts a small boy dressed in a T-shirt and overalls kneeling next to a bin. He has replaced his usual toy superheroes, Batman and Superman, which lay discarded in the bin for a different hero – a nurse.

Like Superman, the nurse stretches out her hand – and wears a face mask, cape and an apron with a red cross, the only colored element in the otherwise black-and-white painting.

According to the BBC, the artist left a note addressed to the hospital that said: "Thanks for all you're doing. I hope this brightens the place up a bit, even if its only black and white."

The 1-square-meter painting, named "Game Changer," will remain in the hospital until autumn and will then be auctioned, the BBC reported. The proceeds will go to the National Health Service (NHS).

The BBC reported the hospital's manager, Paula Head, said everyone in the hospital appreciated the painting.

"It will undoubtedly also boost the morale of everyone who works in our hospital and who is cared for," Head said.

The anonymous artist rose to fame after creating a series of provocative art pieces throughout England. His famed graffiti-style street art, which often denotes socially critical and controversial motifs, has had him dubbed as a vandal by authorities.

[DaveMcK]

We have been on Lockdown since March 9th and going a little stur crazy! We had some neighbors check up on us this morning. 

[DaveMcK]

Remember that every day is Earth Day!!!!!

Link:  https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10221749342182582&id=1226831037&_rdr#

[LydiaN586309]

@DaveMcK,  you made me LOL with your most recent post.  Having said that, here goes my LOL chuckle for today:

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.”

Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.

“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village.

Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean.

And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here on this farm.”

The guy is flabbergasted.

So he asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

[LydiaN586309]

CONVERTING A BEAR

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[LydiaN586309]

AN OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS

A woman called our airline Customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” the rep said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” The service rep further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The flummoxed customer sheepishly exclaimed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

[DaveMcK]

I may have posted this before but given the times it is still a good laugh!

[LydiaN586309]

A male patient suspected of having COVID-19 is in hospital--laying in bed, and wearing a tightly fitted oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

As she turns to leave, she hears him call "Nurse!" from behind the mask.  He then mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.  I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

Again, she hears him mumble, "Oh, nurse please check for me.  Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassent and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.  They look perfectly fine."

The man shaking, slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, 
"Thank you very much.      That was wonderful.     Now listen very, very closely."  "Are - my- test - results - back?"

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

Posted by Me

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

NBC to Air JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR LIVE on April 12

by TV News Desk 3/31/20  

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NBC has announced that it will air Jesus Christ Superstar Live in Concert starring John Legend and Sara Bareilles on Sunday, April 12!

Watch a promo below!

Jesus Christ Superstar Live starred Oscar, Golden Globe, Tony and 10-time Grammy Award winner John Legend has been cast as Jesus Christ, rock legend Alice Cooper as the flamboyant King Herod and acclaimed recording artist, songwriter and Broadway star Sara Bareilles as Mary Magdalene. The cast also features Norm Lewis as Caiaphas, Jin Ha as Annas, and Jason Tam as Peter.

This NBC event will be a one-of-a kind live staging of the iconic 1971 Broadway rock opera with music by Andrew Lloyd Webberand lyrics by Tim Rice. The event will be executive produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Marc Platt, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron.

"Jesus Christ Superstar" was originally conceived as a concept album that hit #1 on the Billboard charts, and eventually made its way to the stage in 1971. It is based on the final week of Jesus' life. The 1971 musical opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway and starred Jeff Fenholt as Jesus and Ben Vereen as Judas. It was nominated for five Tony Awards, including Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical for Vereen. Lloyd Webber won a Drama Desk Award for Most Promising Composer.

Click Here to Watch the Video!

[DaveMcK]

Subject: Coronavirus

The following is a serious composition which I think is quite thought provoking. A friend sent it to me.

The earth whispered but you did not hear.
The earth spoke but you did not listen
The earth screamed but you turned her off.
And so I was born...
I was not born to punish you..
I was born to awaken you..
The earth cried out for help...
Massive flooding. But you didn't listen.
Burning fires. But you didn't listen.
Strong hurricanes. But you didn't listen.
Terrifying Tornadoes. But you didn't listen.
You still don't listen to the earth when.
Ocean animals are dying due to pollutants in the waters.
Glaciers melting at an alarming rate.
Severe drought.
You didn't listen to how much negativity the earth is receiving.
Non-stop wars.
Non-stop greed.
You just kept going on with your life..
No matter how much hate there was..
No matter how many killings daily..
It was more important to get that latest iPhone than worry about what the earth was trying to tell you..
But now I am here.
And I've made the world stop in its tracks.
And I made the world stop...
And now...
China has better air quality.. Skys are clear blue because factories are not spewing pollution unto the earth's air.
The water in Venice is clean and Because the gondola boats that pollute the water are not being used.
YOU are having to take time to reflect on what is important in your life.
Again I am not here to punish you.. I am here to Awaken you...
When all this is over and I am gone... Please remember these moments..
Listen to the earth.
Listen to your soul.
Stop Polluting the earth.
Stop Fighting amongst each other.
Stop caring about materialistic things.
And start loving your neighbors.
Start caring about the earth and all its creatures.
Start believing in a Creator.
Because next time I may come back even stronger....
Signed,
Coronavirus..