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Funny Stories and Life Experiences
New topic featuring funny stories.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”
- four stars
CONVERTING A BEAR
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
AN OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS
A woman called our airline Customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” the rep said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” The service rep further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The flummoxed customer sheepishly exclaimed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
A male patient suspected of having COVID-19 is in hospital--laying in bed, and wearing a tightly fitted oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
As she turns to leave, she hears him call "Nurse!" from behind the mask. He then mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
Again, she hears him mumble, "Oh, nurse please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassent and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look perfectly fine."
The man shaking, slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely." "Are - my- test - results - back?"
NBC to Air JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR LIVE on April 12
Watch a promo below!
Jesus Christ Superstar Live starred Oscar, Golden Globe, Tony and 10-time Grammy Award winner John Legend has been cast as Jesus Christ, rock legend Alice Cooper as the flamboyant King Herod and acclaimed recording artist, songwriter and Broadway star Sara Bareilles as Mary Magdalene. The cast also features Norm Lewis as Caiaphas, Jin Ha as Annas, and Jason Tam as Peter.
This NBC event will be a one-of-a kind live staging of the iconic 1971 Broadway rock opera with music by Andrew Lloyd Webberand lyrics by Tim Rice. The event will be executive produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Marc Platt, Craig Zadan and Neil Meron.
"Jesus Christ Superstar" was originally conceived as a concept album that hit #1 on the Billboard charts, and eventually made its way to the stage in 1971. It is based on the final week of Jesus' life. The 1971 musical opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway and starred Jeff Fenholt as Jesus and Ben Vereen as Judas. It was nominated for five Tony Awards, including Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical for Vereen. Lloyd Webber won a Drama Desk Award for Most Promising Composer.
The following is a serious composition which I think is quite thought provoking. A friend sent it to me.
The earth whispered but you did not hear.
The earth spoke but you did not listen
The earth screamed but you turned her off.
And so I was born...
I was not born to punish you..
I was born to awaken you..
The earth cried out for help...
Massive flooding. But you didn't listen.
Burning fires. But you didn't listen.
Strong hurricanes. But you didn't listen.
Terrifying Tornadoes. But you didn't listen.
You still don't listen to the earth when.
Ocean animals are dying due to pollutants in the waters.
Glaciers melting at an alarming rate.
You didn't listen to how much negativity the earth is receiving.
You just kept going on with your life..
No matter how much hate there was..
No matter how many killings daily..
It was more important to get that latest iPhone than worry about what the earth was trying to tell you..
But now I am here.
And I've made the world stop in its tracks.
And I made the world stop...
China has better air quality.. Skys are clear blue because factories are not spewing pollution unto the earth's air.
The water in Venice is clean and Because the gondola boats that pollute the water are not being used.
YOU are having to take time to reflect on what is important in your life.
Again I am not here to punish you.. I am here to Awaken you...
When all this is over and I am gone... Please remember these moments..
Listen to the earth.
Listen to your soul.
Stop Polluting the earth.
Stop Fighting amongst each other.
Stop caring about materialistic things.
And start loving your neighbors.
Start caring about the earth and all its creatures.
Start believing in a Creator.
Because next time I may come back even stronger....
by Rachel Nania, AARP, Updated March 30, 2020 |
How Social or Physical Distancing Helps Everyone
En español | “Social distancing” is a phrase that’s dominating news headlines and working its way into everyday conversation. A month ago, most Americans had never heard of it.
“It’s a strange term,” admits Anne Schuchat, principal deputy director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) — one of the federal agencies that has been pushing the practice of social distancing as a way to slow the spread of the illness caused by the new coronavirus.
“Usually when we talk about health and wellness, it’s all about connectedness and really reaching out and being together with community, family, friends, loved ones. But social distancing means trying to keep some space between you and other people,” Schuchat adds.
For many communities across the country, this idea of space is quickly becoming the new normal. School districts have canceled classes, professional sports leagues have suspended their seasons, and crowded parks and museums have closed their gates.
It may seem excessive for those unaffected by the illness. But experts say it works. Here’s how.
Social distancing is not the same as quarantining or isolating oneself. It’s simply “trying to keep some space between you and other people” — about six feet of space, Schuchat says. This is why many public events and activities where individuals are typically crammed close to one another are on hold.
“We think that infections are spread by respiratory droplets, spread when you’re within about six feet of another person. And so avoiding those circumstances where you’re going to be really in close quarters with lots of other people can help achieve social distancing,” Schuchat says.Space slows the spread
A key concept of social distancing is slowing the spread of the epidemic in order to “decrease the pressure on the health care system,” Schuchat says.
“You can imagine if 100 people were going to get sick over 100 days you would have a certain kind of pressure on the health care system. But if 100 people get sick all in the same day, it’s a different kind of pressure,” she says.
Staying home as much as possible and avoiding crowded spaces — even if you are young, healthy and symptom-free — helps reduce the risk of infection in the high-risk population.
Images of overloaded hospitals in Wuhan, China, and Northern Italy have illustrated just how dangerous an overwhelmed health care system can be during a pandemic. If society slows the spread, health care workers can “take better care of every individual person,” Schuchat says.Social distancing protects high-risk individuals
Most people who get COVID-19, the illness caused by the new coronavirus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, including fever, cough and shortness of breath, experts say. But for some people, the disease can be far worse. And early data show that older adults and individuals with underlying health conditions — such as diabetes, heart disease and lung disease — are more likely to experience severe illness, even death.
Staying home as much as possible and avoiding crowded spaces — even if you are young, healthy and symptom-free — helps reduce the risk of infection in the high-risk population.
“Often before people even know they’re sick, they could spread the virus. And that’s probably why we’ve seen such rapid spread around the world,” Schuchat says.
In essence: Keeping your distance from others helps keep others healthy.
“And we’re focusing quite a bit on protecting the vulnerable,” Schuchat adds.
Washing hands and covering coughs and sneezes are among the most important tactics experts say can help keep COVID-19 at bay. But several regions in the U.S. are adding a few more measures to their list of public health precautions.
In areas where the coronavirus is spreading, people are being told to work from home, if they can, and to avoid public places. The White House is urging all Americans to stay home as much as possible and to avoid groups of more than 10 people at least through April. Nonessential travel is also discouraged.
If you need to go to the store, go first thing in the morning when it’s less likely to be crowded, Schuchat says. And try to keep a safe distance from other shoppers.
Nursing homes have also barred visitors and nonessential employees during the coronavirus outbreak. Officials are encouraging family and friends to check in with loved ones with a phone call or video chat instead.
“And certainly check on your neighbors who may be keeping themselves at home” to reduce their risk of infection, Schuchat says. If you are healthy, ask “if they need any help with shopping, with groceries, with filling their prescriptions — anything like that,” she adds.
The government is urging all Americans to practice social distancing to slow the spread of the illness, but what that looks like may depend on where you live. The situation in New York, for example, may be different than things in Nebraska.
“We have a pretty diverse country,” Schuchat says.
“This virus is new and we’re still learning about it, and we’re trying to apply the best information possible every single day to protect Americans. It’s a changing situation, so stay informed. Keep up with the news, especially in your local area.”
Editor's note: This story was originally published on March 13, 2020. It's been updated to reflect recent social distancing recommendations.
Get an early start on the celebration of Earth Day with these 8 Planet-Friendly Ways To Celebrate Earth Day Celebrate Earth Day by making a few easy changes the Earth will appreciate.
The first Earth Day (called May Day at the time) was held in 1970 in the US and it’s often considered the start of the modern environmental movement.
Since that initial march against environmental destruction, Earth Day has evolved into a globally celebrated event, with festivities occurring in more than 200 countries.
In its simplest form, it’s a day for people to step back, take a deep breath and appreciate Earth in all its splendor. But for many people Earth Day holds the potential to ignite broad environmental action.
As an internationally recognized holiday, Earth Day is guaranteed to attract the attention of an enormous amount of people. So figuring out how to harness and activate that attention toward sustained action is something activists work hard on.
Be on the lookout for all the environmental groups spreading awareness on April 22nd--they’ll have good advice! But in your free time, celebrate Earth Day by making a few easy changes the Earth will appreciate.
The US alone consumes 50 billion plastic water bottles annually. Most of these bottles are not recycled and end up in landfills, in oceans and elsewhere, which harms organisms and the environment. Just creating these bottles uses 17 million barrels of gasoline, which would be enough to power 1.3 million cars for a year. Even more energy is then spent transporting water bottles and then recycling them.
Ending society’s addiction to unnecessary water bottles would be greatly appreciated by Earth.
Image: Gus Stahl
You can start your transition to an eco-friendly reusable bottle on Earth Day. Here are a few good list to choose from.2) Start composting
Earth is the ultimate recycler--it reuses everything that it creates with a little help from the Sun. And everything that lives on the planet is cool with this system of recycling--everything except humans.
Humans are the only things that willfully don’t recycle what they create and use. And that means that a lot of nourishing substances that would otherwise feed wildlife and help it flourish end up in landfills or on strips of asphalt or somewhere else.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Composting biodegradable food and materials is a great way to feed soil, organisms in the soil and plant life while reducing waste.
All you have to do is create a compost pile in your backyard or, if you’re a city slicker, store all your vegetable, fruit, and other natural scraps in a plastic bag in your freezer and then dump it when full at a compost collecting place.3) Plant a garden
Plant some flowers and get a beautifully fragrant garden. And then plant some vegetables and get all the produce you need. Here’s a guide to starting a garden.
If you live in the city, check out this starter guide.
Image: © Kristine Paulus/Flickr4) Buy a tree certificate
Trees are amazing. But humans relentlessly chop and burn them down. So this Earth Day buy a certificate from Stand for Trees to protect a batch of trees somewhere in the world that’s at risk of deforestation.
Image: Flickr: Steve Corey5) Build a birdhouse or start a bee farm
Building a birdhouse is definitely the easier option here. All you’ll need is a couple pieces of wood for birds to stand on and a place to put bird feed.
Image: Flickr: drbob97
Starting a bee farm is more complex. But here’s a handy guide that will help you beat back the decline of bees around the world.6) Make your home energy efficient
Houses consume a lot of energy for electricity and heating. In fact, 40% of the energy consumed in the US goes to residential and commercial buildings. For the world to avoid the worst consequences of climate change, everyone would have to consume a set amount of energy annually. The average US household surpasses that amount in 2 weeks.
Fortunately, there are many simple ways to cut down on this energy consumption.
From improving insulation to using LED lights to getting a water heater, improving a house’s energy efficiency both helps the environment and saves you a lot of money in the long-run. Here are a few pro tips.7) Become a better grocery shopper
First, get a reusable grocery bag to limit all the plastic produced in the world.
Then try to buy fresh foods that you can carry in reusable containers. For example, fresh fruits and vegetables don’t come prepackaged. Also, nuts, lentils, coffee beans and many other dry goods can generally be purchased from bulk containers. By using reusable containers, you’re further reducing the amount of plastic in the world.
- Image: Flickr: storebukkebrute
- Finally, try to buy local, ethical and environmentally sustainable products. If you can't go local, go ethical and sustainable.
- 😎 Enjoy nature!
- Make sure you set aside a lot of time to enjoy nature this Earth Day. Go for a hike, head to the beach or just sit in a park and appreciate the moment.
Image: Wikimedia Commons- Margus Opp
The Earth is a truly marvelous place that provides all of us with life. As humans, we can surely do a better job taking care of it.
Notice this contains advertising!
Coronavirus (COVID-19) is a real concern that we should all take seriously, especially for people living with diabetes. However, the CDC and other health organizations agree: the best way to combat coronavirus is to be prepared, not panicked.How to Prepare for Coronavirus with Diabetes
Take care of yourself, reduce your risk, and protect others by doing the following:
- Wash your hands frequently—Use hot water and antibacterial soap. Scrub for at least 20 seconds every time.
- Try not to touch your face—Viruses that affect the respiratory system enter the body through mucus membranes found in your eyes, nose, lips, and mouth. If you must touch your face, wash your hands before and after.
- Use your elbow—When coughing and sneezing, cover your mouth and nose with a flexed elbow or tissue. Use your elbow to push open doors.
- Wipe down when in doubt—Use disinfectant wipes before touching surfaces touched by others, such as tables, counters, chairs, grocery carts, and gas pumps.
- Practice "social distancing"—Avoid large gatherings and anyone with a fever or cough. In the near-term, work from home if possible and consider tech-based social interactions (text, phone calls, video chat).
- Fill your prescriptions—Make sure your medications are filled, including oral drugs, insulin, and any other supplies you use to manage your diabetes, such as syringes, strips, and lancets.
- Stock up on supplies—The Department of Homeland Security recommends households have a first-aid kit and 14-day supply of food and household items, like detergent.
- Stay informed! When it comes to staying healthy, knowledge is power. The following links give you have easy access to helpful information.
Coronavirus and Diabetes - What You Should Know(Beyond Type 1)
What to Buy if You're Quarantined at Home During the Coronavirus Pandemic (Business Insider)
How to Disinfect Your Space on an Airplane (New York Times)
Coronavirus Live Updates (NBC)
Be smart. Be safe. Take care of yourself and take care of each other.
We're in this together. ❤️
The Eye of the Beholder
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run--anywhere.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You think humor must be good for your body, exercise and diets haven't worked well.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
You know more about prescription drugs than you pharmacist
You can't remember who sent you this list.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
Your medical records could be recorded on Epics' " My Charts " a software company here in the Madison, Wisconsin area.
COVER STORY: Watch Video
Correspondent Lee Cowan reports on an unusual Wisconsin company that is changing the way medical records are kept, accessed and disseminated.
For more info:
A Brief Story of Kindness
A poor boy was selling goods from one door to another to pay for his studies. One day he found that he had only one dime left, and he was hungry. While approaching the next house, he decided to ask for a meal. But when a young woman has opened the door, he only dared to ask for a glass of water. She looked at him and understood that probably the boy is hungry. So she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it and then asked how much he owed her. The woman replied: "You don‘t own me anything. Mother taught us never to accept pay for a kindness“. "Then I thank you from the bottom of my heart“, he said. Now, he felt stronger not only physically, but his faith in God had grown as well. The boy's name was Howard Kelly.
Many years have passed. One day that woman became seriously ill. Local doctors could not help her. Therefore they sent her to a big city, where her rare disease would be studied by specialists. Dr Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he entered her room in the hospital, he immediately recognized the woman as the one who had shown kindness to him when he was poor. So moved was he, the doctor was determined to do his best to help her recover from her disease.
The struggle was long, but together they managed to overcome her illness. After some time, the woman received a bill for her treatment. She was worried that the amount to pay would be so significant, that it would take the rest of her life to pay for it. Finally, when the woman looked at the bill, she noticed words that were written on the side of the bill. The words were: "Paid in full with a glass of milk!"
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”
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Part puzzle, part blast from the past! Have fun with this weekly crossword chock full of retro clues from the 70s, 80s, 90s and early 2000s by crossword legend Stanley Newman, exclusively for AARP Members. Play now!
Sync your smartphone or favorite tracker with AARP Rewards to earn points for hitting steps, swimming and cycling milestones Sync now.
From soft jazz to hard rock - discover music's mental, social and physical benefits. Learn more.