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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Honored Social Butterfly

Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your paradeโ€ฆ
So remember this story the next time โ€ฆ

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks itโ€™s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: โ€œWho screwed up your hair?โ€

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Honored Social Butterfly

What about the elk!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper

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Honored Social Butterfly


@DaveMcK wrote:

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I need to give this one 2 or 3 kudos!

Lydia


 

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Honored Social Butterfly

  • KODO IF YOU DID THIS AS A KID!
  •  
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Well, Dave, I remember licking many a cake batter off my fingers and I'm still here to tell it.  But I don't know if the fact that my feet look like those of a chicken has anything to do with the eggs in the batter or if it's just the age in me! ๐Ÿ˜‹ 

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The problem

with political

jokes is that

they tend to get

elected.

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Super Contributor

The teacher asks the class: Where do apples grow?

Smart Samantha answers: On apple trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do pears grow?

Clever Curtis answers: On pear trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do dates grow?

The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand and says: On calendars?

David Eig
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A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants

what the government could do for them.

โ€œWe have two big needs,โ€ said the village headman. โ€œFirst, we have a hospital but no doctor.โ€

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said,

โ€œI have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?โ€

โ€œWe have no cellphone reception at all in our village.โ€

David Eig
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A TRUCK DRIVER
 
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying โ€œTHUMPโ€, and then swerve back onto the road. (At this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
 
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, โ€œWhere are you going, Father?โ€ โ€œIโ€™m going to the church 5 miles down the road,โ€ replied the priest. โ€œNo problem, Father! Iโ€™ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.โ€ The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
 
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud โ€œTHUDโ€. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnโ€™t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, โ€œIโ€™m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.โ€
 
โ€œThatโ€™s okayโ€, replied the priest. โ€œI got him with the door!โ€
 
 
 
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Will I Live To 80?" - I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80." 

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THE PHYSICAL

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day, so they could travel together.

 

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man โ€œYou appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?โ€

 

โ€œIn fact, I doโ€, said the man. โ€œAfter I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.โ€

 

โ€œThis is very interestingโ€, replied the doctor. โ€œLet me do some research and get back to you.โ€

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said โ€œEverything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?โ€

 

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

 

The doctor then said, โ€œYour husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?โ€

 

โ€œOh that old buzzard!โ€ she replied. โ€œThatโ€™s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!โ€

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If you've spent much time on the Internet lately, youโ€™ve probably found plenty of reasons to feel hopeless, afraid, or angry. But we've got better news, and we want to share it with you. We gathered loads of reasons to be hopeful, courageous, and kind. Now it's your turn:

Find something to watch or read, share it, and keep spreading hope, not fear.
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, โ€œAre you a relative of the deceased?โ€

โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œThen why are you crying?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s why!โ€
David Eig
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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THE MARINE PILOT

 

The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

 

โ€œJanie, do you have a story to share?โ€

 

โ€œYes, maโ€™am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm,

 

& her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.

 

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldnโ€™t break, & then

 

she parachuted right into the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed

 

4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last enemy soldier with her bare hands.โ€

 

โ€œGood Heavens,โ€ said the horrified teacher. โ€œWhat did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?โ€

 

โ€œDonโ€™t mess with Mommy when sheโ€™s been drinking.โ€

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Move abroad

"Moving abroad is one of the best ways to force yourself out of your comfort zone. You can learn a lot about yourself by learning to navigate a new country and culture." โ€” Peter Jacobs

Who else had a life changing experience from a move to some place different. Mary and I both went to college, met there and got married on 1966. 

Also we both got to spend a year in Germany when I was in the Army on 1969. 59556397_10218484509363802_1193613940324564992_o.jpgFB_IMG_1510592864941.jpg

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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How is 2020 been for you so far! It is definitely the most challenging year ever for 

Mary, my self and our family. I find little positive about 2020. This is way beyond 1967 when I graduated college and I knew I was going to be drafted and was facing all of the unknowns of the the war years 

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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WHAT HEAVENโ€™S LIKE

 

Three guys die together and go to heaven.

 

St. Peter says, โ€œWe only have one rule here: Donโ€™t step on the ducks, as they are Godโ€™s favorite creation.โ€

 

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and itโ€™s almost impossible NOT to step on a duck.

 

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here
comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman youโ€™ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, โ€œYour punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever.โ€

 

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

 

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesnโ€™t step on any ducks.

 

Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

 

The man remarks, โ€œWow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?โ€

 

The Blonde says, โ€œI donโ€™t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.โ€

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@DaveMcK,  you made me laff out loud with this last post.  I'm going to definitely send this one around to some unsuspecting friends.  LOL

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Thanks.

Lyds

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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One of my favorite plays is " Stop the world - I want to get off"!

 

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, โ€œIโ€™ll give you $800 to drop that towel.โ€ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,โ€ฆ

โ€œWho was that?โ€ โ€œIt was Bob the next door neighbor,โ€ she replies. โ€œGreat!โ€ the husband says, โ€œDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?โ€

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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