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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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WHY DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?

 

1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.  Mostly to clean the house.

3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

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GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

 

"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance goodbye!"

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Because I feel that

in the Heavens above

The angels whispering

one to another..

Can find among their burning terms of love

none so devotional

as that of

"Mother".

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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR MOTHER CAN DO FOR YOU....

ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR MOTHER .♥

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Becoming a Grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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"The wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made.

Choose your cell mate wisely!"

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3-yr.old Reese:

 

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name."

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use....   toothpicks?

 

Do Lipton Tea employees take "Coffee breaks?"

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A minister decided an unusual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He placed 4 worms in separate jars.

 

The 1st in a jar of alcohol...

The second in a jar of smoke

The third in a jar of chocolate

And the fourth in a jar of good clean dirt.

 

The 1st died in the alcohol

The second died in the cigarette smoke.

The third died in the chocolate.

And the fourth remained alive and well.

 

He then asked the congregation what they learned from the lesson.

 

Maxine piped up , "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms." Smiley Wink

 

 

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Two little old ladies were sitting in a car in a used car lot. A policeman approached and asked what they were doing...

 

They said that they had bought the car. He asked why they didn't drive it away ?

 

They said they didn't drive......

 

But, they had been told that if they bought a car from that dealer they would get screwed, so they were waiting......

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"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."

 

Lao Tzu

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"Doctor, my sister needs a second opinion."

"Of course, tell her to come back tomorrow."

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With a very seductive voice a wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No," said her husband.

 

She gave him a sexy smile and unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

 

He took the crumpled twenty from her and smiled approvingly.

 

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"No, I haven't", he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

 

She unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill from her panties.

He took the fifty dollar bill.

 

"Now, " she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?"

 

"No way!"  he said even more curious as to what would happen.

 

She replied, "Go look in the garage."

 

 

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A minister decided an unusual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

He placed four worms ina separate jar..

 

The first in alcohol..

The second in smoke..

The third in chocolate..

The fourth in good clean soil.

 

The first one died in the alcohol

The second one died in the smoke

The third died in the chocolate

The fourth remained alive !

 

He then asked the congregation what they learned from the lesson...

 

Maxine piped up from the back of the room..

 

"I guess if you drink, smoke and eat chocolate..

You won't have worms."

 

That ended the service.

 

 

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Passionate kiss like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg, will not find nuts.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one to fill it.

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Do you know why a car's windsheild is so large and the rear view mirror is small?

Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

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A blunderbuss can mean a gun or a careless person.

 

The yurt originated in Mongolia.

 

A primatologist studies... Primates

 

In the world of gemstones the Tiger's eye is a semiprecious quartz.

 

 

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Teacher:    "Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?"

 

Student:     " If I could, there wouldn't be much point in me being here."

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A conclusion is the place you reach when you get tired of thinking..

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Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year...not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that have been an even number??

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             HAPPY EASTER

                 TO ALL ..

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If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs...

Don't eat them, their not chocolate ! 

 

 

    HAPPY EASTETO ALL !

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Today a man knocked at my door and asked for a small donation torards the local swimming pool.   I gave him a glass of water.

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Two friends chatting:

 

"Oh, Estelle...it's been a horrible day. 

First my Ex was hit by a bus...

Then I lost my job as a bus driver.."   Cat Sad

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Me sobbing hysterically:   "I can't see you anymore. I'm not going to let you hurt me like that again !"

 

Trainer:                      " It was a sit up ..   You did ONE sit up !"

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How will Trump deport all of the illegal aliens?

 

Juan by Juan....

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My friend asked me what it was like to live in a house full of boys... So I peed on her bathroom floor, ate everything in her fridge, told her 800 stories about Mine Craft, farted 20 times and when she was ready to kill me, I gave her a hug and told her she was pretty.  Smiley Wink