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First, head out to your barn to select 500 of the highest quality eggs from the prize-winning chickens you've been raising, and then decorate each one with a fun variety of brightly- colored dyes made from fresh berries you picked yourself.
Take a quick trip to Switzerland to get about 250lbs. of the best chocolate and carve yourself an 8-foot Easter Bunny as a table centerpiece.
Adorn your Easter table with 1,750 fresh tulips you picked from your garden, then prepare a sumptuous 12-course Easter feast for 3,500 of your closest and dearest friends.
Then, break for lunch....
We went to the movies the other night, and I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do as it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was starting, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
Excuse me, pardon me... when she got to me I said, "Couldn't you have done that a little earlier?"
"No," she said, "The 'turn off your cell phone please' message just flashed on the screen, and mine is in the car.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and , unfortunately knew instictively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized the squirrels and consecrated them as member of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue: they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into a pub and orders three beers.The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers, and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally,a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers....
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here would like to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother."
The man replies, " "You'll be happy to know my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I myself, have given up drinking for Lent."
WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S SPRING IN MAINE
10. Pickup trucks start plunging to the bottom of the pond.
9. Enough snow has melted that you can see the appliances in your back yard.
8. You're finally able to wax what's left of your salt-riddled car.
7. Football fans think Patriot's Day is in honor of the team.
6. Your neighbor takes down her Christmas wreath.
5. You take the snowplow off the truck so that your daughter looks real lady-like when she picks up her prom date.
4. Hannaford takes the snow tires off it's grocery carts.
3. The oil man comes only once a week.
2. Women no longer wear sowmobile boots with their dresses.
1. You can finall see the yellow lines on the road, and discover that you've been driving on the wrong side all winter.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbor's were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing a problem for the Catholic faithful and they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said.. "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the nieghbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
I was always taught to respect my elders
Now I don't have anyone to respect.
I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs..
She said Depends.
I'm so old I no longer buy green bananas.
That Snap, Crackle, Pop in the morning
Ain't my freaking Rice Krispies.
Think outside the box.
I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired today.
When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.
Now, I don't care about the W..
I'm in the 'Initial" stages of my golden years..
SS, CD'S, IRA'S AARP...
We got married for better or worse..
He couldn't do any better, and I couldn't do any worse.
We went to the movies the other night, and I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was starting, a blonde from the center of the row started working her way out.... "Excuse me, pardon me..etc. " when she got to me I said, "Couldn't you have done that a little earlier?"
"No" she said, "the message to silence your cell phone just came on the screen, and mine's in my car."
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same shows week after week..
The Capt.'s parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting , " Look, it's not the same hat" ! Or " "Look, he's hiding flowers under the table." The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything about it.
One stormy night, they unfortunately sank, drowning almost all on board. He found himself floating at sea on a piece of wood with the parrot !
One day went by, then two, then three....
On this day the parrot said... "OK, I give up...where's the ship?"
A Russian arrives in NYC as a new immigrant to the USA.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, " Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man encounters another passerby, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I am not an American, I am Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, shakes the next persons hand and says,"Thank you for wonderful America."
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from the Middle East.. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you American??"
She says "No. I'm from Africa."
Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
I called an old friend and asked him what he was doing..
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of
ceramic, aluminum and steel, under a constrained environment."
I was really impressed !
On further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
May the lilt of Irish laughter lighten every load..
May the mist of Irish magic shorten every road.
May you taste the sweetest pleasures that
fortune ere bestowed..
And may all your friends remember...
All the favors you are owed.
HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY TO ALL !
I called an old friend and asked what he was doing..
He replied that he was working on the "Aqua-thermal treatment
of ceramics, aluminum and steel, under a constrained environment."
I was really impressed !
However, on further iquiry, I learned that he was....
washing dishes with hot water,
Under his wife's supervision.
Into an Irish Pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp...
"What happened to ya?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight." says Paddy.
"That little sh-- , O'Connor," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well, " says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight."