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Gold Conversationalist

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Gold Conversationalist

Never go to bed angry...

 

Stay up and plot your revenge !

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"Some may own castles on the banks of the Rhine and hire an orchestra every evening at nine.

 

But richer than I they will never be...

I had a Dad who spent time with me."

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DOCTOR:  " You'll live to be 60."

 

PATIENT:   "I am 60!"

 

DOCTOR:  "See, what did I tell you?"

 

PATIENT:   "I have a ringing in my ears."

 

DOCTOR:  "Don't answer."

 

A drunk was in front of a judge.

 

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

 

The drunk says, "OK, let's get started!"

 

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

 

They're worth it.

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I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent my father a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof.

 

My wife made me join a bridge club, I jump next Tuesday.

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When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father...

 

"We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

 

 

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A Father is someone who carries

Pictures where his money

Used to be.

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I told my Mom she was invading my personal space.....

 

She told me I came out of her personal space !

Gold Conversationalist

If you stir coconut oil into your Kale, it makes it easier to scrape into the trash.

Gold Conversationalist

Ma loves Pa....

Pa loves women.

Ma caught Pa..

With two in swimmin'.

Here lies Pa....

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Gold Conversationalist

Ma loves Pa...

Pa loves women..

Ma caught Pa..

With two in swimmin'...

Here lies Pa.

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My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel..

 

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

Gold Conversationalist

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put on a shirt and a button fell off...I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom !

Gold Conversationalist

St Peter looked down on the holiday celebrants and said....

 

"Ya all get in that pickup, and we're going up to the Big House !"

 

 

                           DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE !

Gold Conversationalist

IT'S THE SOLDIER...... Not the reporter who gives you freedom of the press.

 

IT'S THE SOLDIER...... Not the poet who gives you freedom of speech.

 

IT'S THE SOLDIER...... Not the organizer who allows you to demonstrate.

 

IT'S THE SOLDIER...... Who salutes the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag, who allows the protestor to burn the flag !!!

 

THANK YOU TO ALL THE SOLDIERS .... AND THEIR FAMILIES FOR THEIR SACRIFICES .

 

 

                                                 GOD BLESS OUR NATION

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"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses

yearning to breathe free.

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless temptess - tossed to me.

I lift my lamp beside the golden door ! "

 

 

 

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IF YOUR MOM'S SPIT WOULD TAKE THE RUST OFF A CAR BUMPER...

you might be a redneck...

 

IF YOU HAVE UGLY KIDS AND DON'T KNOW IT...

you might be a redneck.

 

IF YOUR BABIES ARE NAUSEATED BY THE SMELL OF A CLEAN SHIRT..

you might be a redneck.

 

IF YOUR DIALOG DURING SEX INCLUDED , "DID YOU PAY THE LIGHT BILL?"

you might be a redneck.

 

 

 

 

Gold Conversationalist

Do not squander time...that is the stuff life is made of.

 

The hashest critics are those

who fear criticism.

 

If you choose the behavior,

you choose the consequences.

 

My body has dropped so fast,

my GYN wears a hard hat.

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I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car...

I opened the door and kicked him out.Smiley Tongue

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GET A 'LOAD' OF THESE:

 

You dump it, we'll pump it.

 

You sh-- it, we get it !

 

We haul milk on the weekends

 

Yesterdays meals on wheels.

 

Back off ! We ain't haulin milk.

 

Got poop?

 

Your # 2, is our # 1

 

Another load of Politician's promises.

 

Satisfaction or 110% of your product back

 

A flush beats a full house !

 

Turd burgular

 

CAUTION.... This truck contains Obama's stimulous package.

Gold Conversationalist

This just in from Trump Tower:

 

The NSA confirms that it wasn't a wire tap that was ordered, it was a baby monitor.

Gold Conversationalist

Quips by SouthWest airline hostesses:

 

Please close the bathroom door ...what happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom.

 

If you need anything, just look for the button above your head. One is a stressed out light bulb, and the other a woman who doesn't work here any more.

 

Place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and breathe for all your worth !

 

When landing:

 

"Whoa big boy, Whoa !"

 

No-No-Not yet... wait.... okay get out ! Smiley LOL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Gold Conversationalist

I do not like this Uncle Sam

I do not like his healthcare scam

I do not like those dirty crooks

Or how they lie and cook the books!

 

I do not like when Congress steals

I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker man,

I do not like him....yes we can !

 

I do not like their spending spree

I'm smart, I know that nothings free.

I do not like their smug replies

When I complain about their lies.

 

I do not like this kind of hope..

I do not like it nope,nope, nope !

 

 

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After stopping for drinks an an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting a ride. he then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizare fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days !

Gold Conversationalist

Guests descend like starving piranhas..

On your freshley baked lasagna..

Dirty every dish in sight,

But leave your larder clean and bright.

 

There you stand, your cesspool brimming...

Towels to wash from all their swimming.

Being told with all good cheer...

"Aren't you lucky living here!"

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M     is for the million things she gave me..

O     is only that she's growing old..

T     is for the tears she shed to save me..

H     is for her heart of purest gold.

E     is for her eyes with love-light shining.

R     is right, and right she'll always be...

 

Put them all together they spell MOTHER.. a word that means the world to me !

 

A very HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all Moms out there.. biological and otherwise. Heart

 

 

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The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods , which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

 

Dave Barry

Honored Social Butterfly

wind chimes.jpg

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
Gold Conversationalist

My Mother taught me about stamina... "You'll sit right there 'till all that spinach is finished."

 

My Mother taught me about weather.... "It looks like a tonado swept through your room."

 

My Mother taught me about the science of osmosis... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

My Mother taught me about logic.... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

Gold Conversationalist

One of my children became quite irritable with me recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried.. "   I smiled a warm smile... the torch has been passed.

Gold Conversationalist

Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

 

Since when is Mike your best friend???

 

Since yesterday . Smiley Very Happy