SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

dustbusterz · ‎09-06-2011

Cold Water Cleaning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

dustbusterz · ‎09-06-2011

Waiting In Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

dustbusterz · ‎09-05-2011

Waiting In Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

dustbusterz · ‎09-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I would go to Conclusion, but you have to jump, and I'm not much at physical activity.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-05-2011

In Response to RE: Labor Day update?? by J0yce1

It's funny how opportunity knocks just once, but temptation leans on the door bell, calls on the phone and sets off the fire alarm.

J0yce1 · ‎09-05-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Labor Day, one of America’s most beloved and longest-celebrated holidays, has been officially moved to China, U.S. officials confirmed today. The Labor Day celebrations are expected to kick off Monday afternoon in Beijing with a barbeque attended by over seven million people and presided over by former NBA star Yao Ming. The transfer of Labor Day to China represents the first time in American history that an entire holiday has been outsourced, experts said. (Andy Borowitz)

Meanwhile, U.S. officials said it was looking "more and more likely" that Thanksgiving would be relocated this year to India. "At the very least, Americans will still be able to celebrate Thanksgiving by phone, " one official said. "But they should listen closely because some menu options have changed." (Andy Borowitz)

nell2 · ‎09-04-2011

In Response to WHERE TO SAFELY INTERN THE NAGGING WIFE'S BODY by Hal

Hi Hal

A good one....nagging wifes body

BonnieC10 · ‎09-04-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been to Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone...

I've also never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport , you have to be driven there. I have made several trips thanks to my family and friends.

I would go to Conclusion, but you have to jump, and I'm not much at physical activity.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-04-2011

In Response to WHERE TO SAFELY INTERN THE NAGGING WIFE'S BODY by Hal

Good ones Hal....A good weekend to you!

Hal · ‎09-03-2011

An American and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The American thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance .

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Hal · ‎09-03-2011

Letter received by Principal of a Wooster Oh high school:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

nell2 · ‎09-03-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

What do you call the dead blonde in the closet?

Ans:Last year's winner of Hide n' go seek.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-03-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years..when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson

Corvallis, Or.

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked.... "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled... KY jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

Detroit Michigan

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouple with one of his medications.

"Which one?" I asked. "The patch... the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and I'm running out of places to put it !"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over 50 patches on his body!

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair

Norfolk, Va.

dustbusterz · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

nell2 · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A happy Labor Day to all nell

BonnieC10 · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

HAPPY LABOR DAY WEEKEND TO ALL !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

What do you call the dead blonde in the closet?

Ans:Last year's winner of Hide n' go seek.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

THOUGHTS: ADULT VERSION

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

Impotence: Nature's way of saying.."No hard feelings."

You birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

dustbusterz · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

There are three stages of sex in a man's life:

Like that

dustbusterz · ‎09-02-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

thanks, so happy you liked it 🙂

nell2 · ‎09-01-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

Real Signs and Advertisements

I think I agree- lol

nell2 · ‎09-01-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie a good one- lol

3 stages of sex in a man's life

BonnieC10 · ‎09-01-2011

In Response to 3 Therapy Appointments Weekly for the Lady by Hal

There are three stages of sex in a man's life:

Tri weekly

Try weekly

and Try weakly.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-01-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

GOLFER'S REVENGE...

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says Private Property....stay out !

The golfer says, "I am sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there, may I have it?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets a ball and walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?

The golfer replies, "I'm a gentleman. Every prick should have two balls."

dustbusterz · ‎09-01-2011

Real Signs and Advertisements

- Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

- On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

- From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

- On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

- On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."

dustbusterz · ‎09-01-2011

Choking

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

dustbusterz · ‎09-01-2011

A Bear

I want to be a bear......

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...... I want to be a bear!