AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY - Page 64

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

dustbusterz · ‎08-31-2011

In Response to 3 Therapy Appointments Weekly for the Lady by Hal

Love it 🙂

Hal · ‎08-31-2011

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?' 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

sponse to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Hal · ‎08-31-2011

Difference between Knowledge and Wisdom:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

in Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

nell2 · ‎08-31-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

THEY WALK AMONG US.....

nell2 · ‎08-31-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

I think old George Carlin's Views on Aging said it all-lol

BonnieC10 · ‎08-31-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish...

A leading politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I'd been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a TV set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and had given VD to his sister !"

"I was appalled. But as the days went on, I realized all my people were not like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of kind and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk..." I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER,NEVER,NEVER BE LATE !

dustbusterz · ‎08-30-2011

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

dustbusterz · ‎08-30-2011

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony...YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED 30! We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone.

But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

BonnieC10 · ‎08-30-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

THEY WALK AMONG US.......

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he wanted it cut in 4 or 6 pieces, to which he replied," Just cut it in 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces......

THEY WALK AMONG US......

My sister has a life saving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped... She keeps it in her trunk...

BonnieC10 · ‎08-30-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Most certainly Nell. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

nell2 · ‎08-29-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

Please put my friend Sharon on your Prayer list.the hurricane tore her house up bad, and the poor girl lost her beloved husband Roy last year,a bad stroke and he was gone. thanks-nell

nell2 · ‎08-29-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

It was the coldest winter ever love it- lol

nell2 · ‎08-29-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

Ponderables some good one's in the post lol

dustbusterz · ‎08-29-2011

Ponderables

- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

- If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

- You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

- Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

- Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

dustbusterz · ‎08-29-2011

Stop redundancy

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

dustbusterz · ‎08-29-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you might be my kid!"

Ha ha ha ha rotflmao this is so funny:))

BonnieC10 · ‎08-29-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

I took my dad to the mall shopping to buy some new shoes ( he's 76) . We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teen had spiked hair in all different colors. Green, red, orange and blue.

Dad kept staring at her and she asked sarcastically, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

I knew my dad would have a good response, and without batting an eyelash, he said, ....

"I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you might be my kid!"

dustbusterz · ‎08-28-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The real moral of the story.......... LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

ha ha rotflmao

BonnieC10 · ‎08-28-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves, but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from another and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice:

Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The real moral of the story.......... LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

dustbusterz · ‎08-27-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

they will pay for themselves in a year (quite funny) love a good blonde joke

BonnieC10 · ‎08-27-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I hope all of my cyber friends make it through hurricane Irene safely.

BonnieC10 · ‎08-27-2011

In Response to Happiness, Forgiveness, Helping Others & Other Thoughts by Hal

HI Hal......

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooooo............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. In ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves ! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Hal · ‎08-27-2011

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a
Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

dustbusterz · ‎08-26-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-- Specializing in Odds and Ends"

Gotta Love it,although I Kind of like some of the other choices too

LOL

nell2 · ‎08-26-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Everyone loved it ! ~ lol

BonnieC10 · ‎08-26-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Best friends graduated from med school at the same time and decided that in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together.

Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading...

"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors"

The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read:

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"....

This also was not acceptable. Again they changed it....

"Catatonics and High Colonics".... No go.

Next they tried :

"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Then came:

"Minds and Behinds".......still no good.

Another attempt resulted in,

"Lost souls and Butt holes"..unacceptable again.

So they tried, " Analysis and Anal Cysts". Not a chance...

"Nuts and Butts".... no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"... still no good.

"Loons and Moons".... forget it.

Nearly at their wits end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones-- Specializing in Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it !

nell2 · ‎08-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bigger and Bigger

nell2 · ‎08-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

explains the things that come out of Washington !

BonnieC10 · ‎08-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese...

However, less widely known is a Pride of Lions, a Murder of Crows ( as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens) an Exhaltation of doves and presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of Owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous,most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not.... a Congress !

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !