SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Someone revealed my fire building proceedure!   LOL

[dustbusterz]

Glasses?

 A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

 The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

 The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[dustbusterz]

Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

 1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

 2. Bandage left thumb.

 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

 4. Bandage left foot.

 5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

 6. Light Match.

 7. Light Match.

 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

 10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

 14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."

 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

 16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.

[dustbusterz]

Fishing

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Bumpah   Stickahs - a good one  

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                     BUMPAH  STICKAHS...

Honk if I'm paying your mortgage.

 Actually no one owes you crap !

A nation of sheep, breeds a Government of wolves.

My other car is a Cadillac.

Stop as I stop, or smile as you go under!

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

  gotta love it 

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 Bonnie ~( did I read that right?)   

 lol

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

PROOF READING IS A DYING ART.......

MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER.....

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH... (ya think????) 

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAY WALKERS....

PANDA MATING FAILS; VET TAKES OVER...

                     (what a guy!)

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE....     ( ya think??)

COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE .

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE..... ( you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?")

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT...  ( shouldn't have eaten those beans.)

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD....

    ( did I read that right?)         

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 A goodie we all need some days

 Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
 And,Your hand over my mouth!

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An oldie, but a goodie:

An English Professor wrote these words on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly....

"A woman without her man is nothing."

All of the males wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The females wrote:

"A woman, without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.    

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Thank you Nell... that was beautiful.

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

     SUSPICIONS  CONFIRMED:  

      LOL

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

  REMEMBERING  SEPTEMBER 11,  2001   

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 REMEMBERING  SEPTEMBER 11,  2001    

[dustbusterz]

Temperence Lecture

 Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.

 The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

 The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

 Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73 !

I'm sooooooo happy !  Because I live at unit 67..So it's not far to walk home afterwards.   

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

SUSPICIONS CONFIRMED:

When you drink vodka over ice.....

                    it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink Rum over ice....

                   it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice....

                  it can give you heart problems.

When you drink Gin over ice......

                  it can give you brain problems.

Apparently it's the ice that is the problem!

Warn all of your friends. 

[dustbusterz]

Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.

 "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

 The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

 "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

 "Yes it is," bartender answers.

 "Do you have huge golden doors?"

 "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

 "Most certainly do."

 "What about golden urinals?"

 There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

[dustbusterz]

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

 "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

 "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

 Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

 "Yes, I do."

 "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

 "Yes, I have to admit that I did."

 "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

 Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

 "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[dustbusterz]

"I just had a dream about it ..."

 A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

 "You'll know tonight," he said.

 That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

http://www.aarp.org/online-community/dustbusterz

[dustbusterz]

What's Wrong?

 In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

 The wife says: The same old thing.
 The wife means: Nothing.

 The wife says: Nothing.
 The wife means: Everything.

 The wife says: Nothing, really.
 The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

 The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
 The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

http://www.aarp.org/online-community/dustbusterz

[dustbusterz]

What it REALLY means

 "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

 "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

 "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead.

http://www.aarp.org/online-community/dustbusterz

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Maraming  Salamat(Thank your very much) 

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz    

a good one

COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[nell2]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

  dustbusterz  a good one

Waiting In Line that's the truth  lol

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A woman 's hubby had beern slipping in and out of a coma for months, and yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he came too and motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him he whispered with tears in his eyes... "You know what? You have been with me throughout all the bad times. When I got fired you were there. When my business failed you were there. When I got shot, you were there."

" When we lost the house, when my health began failing you were still by my side. You know what dear?" Her heart began to fill with warmth.....

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck ! "   

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

"Married into the family".... Moral of that story...Don't mess with the Misses!     

[dustbusterz]

Getting Into Fights

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

 An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

 "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

[dustbusterz]

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

 Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

 Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.