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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

 Joke deleted

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After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."


Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz1YVKTyuL5

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 A filthy rich  Florida man decided he  

              Smiley

 Think-I peed my pants on this one 
 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

  dustbusterz 

  your wild   call for back up -  lol

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

ha ha good one  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

The Great Writer
He now works for Microsoft,writing error messagesso true
          lol

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

A filthy rich Florida man decided he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party in the backyard around the pool at his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time dancing, drinking and eating shrimp and oysters, and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10-foot man- eating gator in my pool and I will give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash...

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool...  The water was churning everywhere and both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store gold fish..

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.Everyone was just staring at him in disbelief !

Finally, the host said. "Well, Leroy, I guess I owe you a million dollars!"

"No, that's okay, I don't want it," said Leroy

Confused he then asked Leroy, "Well then what do you want?"

Leroy replied, "I want the name of the sumbitch that pushed me into the pool!!"   

 

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Arresting Mom

 A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

 In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

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Computer Gender

Why computers should be considered masculine:

 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers should be considered feminine:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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The Great Writer

 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

 When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

 

 

Glad y alike em  

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In Response to Funny Boy by LafinLady

WELCOME LAFINLADY!   This one's for you.

 

              PRAYER FOR GRANDPA

 

Dear God, please send clothes for all the poor ladies on Grandpa's computer.

                                                         Amen

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts    lol

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz   

The  Hormone  Hostage lol  so true!    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by garrett96

garrett96  welcome to the group

The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class      

  lol Smiley

 

                               

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Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts

 My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

 The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

 The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

 I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

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More of A Woman's Random Thoughts

 Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

 A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

 They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

 I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

 If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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A Woman's Random Thoughts

 If you love something, set it free.
 If it comes back, it will always be yours.
 If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
 But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

 Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

 Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

 Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

 One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

 

love it . too funny

 

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The Homone Hostage

 The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!.

 DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
 SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
 SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
 ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
 SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
 SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
 ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate

 DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
 SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
 SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
 ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
 SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
 SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
 ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
 SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
 SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
 ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10


 A Chinese guy, goes to a Jewish guy, to buy black bras...


                LMBO n 


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One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

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It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"
 


 

 

 
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A Chinese guy, goes to a Jewish guy, to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish guy, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare, and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.

Therefore he has to charge $50. for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 bras. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jewish guy tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60. each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jewish guy's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75. each !  The Jewish guy is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me, what do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers, "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish people for $200. each."    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Dustbuster:     Gotta love that one!   LOL

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Ants...

 The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

 "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

 One child was ready with an answer: "They don't have a union."

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Hourly Rate

 Sign seen in repair shop (directed at customers):

 Hourly rate: $10.50

 Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50

 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50

 Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

  Bonnie  soooooooo true

   Home computers are the perfect thing for women

        love it- lol                Emoticon  
 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterza

good one you should be wearing glasses." Smileylol

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men already provide them with enough frustration....

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Someone revealed my fire building proceedure!   LOL

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