SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

dustbusterz · ‎09-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

lmbo! where do you find these emoticons??

nell2 · ‎09-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS ........ lol

nell2 · ‎09-25-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

PUBLIC NOTICE: OMG

nell2 · ‎09-25-2011

In Response to A LAKE FULL OF BUD LIGHT by Hal

A Lake Full of Bud Light-

lmbo!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-24-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

PUBLIC NOTICE :

Due to recent budget cuts,

the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, plus the current state of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

dustbusterz · ‎09-24-2011

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS

Oil Change instructions for Women

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

dustbusterz · ‎09-24-2011

Signs and Notices

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

dustbusterz · ‎09-24-2011

In Response to A LAKE FULL OF BUD LIGHT by Hal

"Having this lakefull of beer may be great," his fishing companion said. "But now to pee we gotta go inside the boat instead of peeing over the side... "

too funny ha ha !!!!!!!!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-24-2011

In Response to A LAKE FULL OF BUD LIGHT by Hal

Hal.... such a dilema.... LOL

BonnieC10 · ‎09-24-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Has everyone read the number 1 book on the market?

"TIPS FOR PLANNING A SENIOR WEDDING"

1. How to propose on an artificial knee

2. When 'something blue' is Viagra.

3. When the organist is the only one working.

4. Ways to wear a veil over a hearing aid.

Hal · ‎09-24-2011

Two guys were out fishing when one noticed a wine bottle bobbing alongside the boat. LfitING it out of the water and removing the cork, he was startled when a Genie appeared. She said, "Make a wish; for freeing me from that bottle, I am prepared grant you anything you wish for."

The fisherman said, "I'd love for this lake to be filled with Bud Light rather than water," and so it was!

"Having this lakefull of beer may be great," his fishing companion said. "But now to pee we gotta go inside the boat instead of peeing over the side... "

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

nell2 · ‎09-24-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by garrett9

Nun In the Bar.... lol

dustbusterz · ‎09-23-2011

The Family Maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After another year, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

garrett96 · ‎09-23-2011

Nun In The Bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

dustbusterz · ‎09-22-2011

Understading Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

dustbusterz · ‎09-22-2011

Drop Dead Poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

dustbusterz · ‎09-22-2011

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

dustbusterz · ‎09-22-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

really glad you liked this joke .

dustbusterz · ‎09-22-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Thanks for the like on this joke

nell2 · ‎09-22-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings-----

nell2 · ‎09-22-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

The Rejection Letter ~

dustbusterz · ‎09-21-2011

The Rejection Letter

Dear Mr. Kelly:
Thank you for your letter of April 17.

... After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, I. Knoworkski

dustbusterz · ‎09-21-2011

Funny Real Money Quotes

Woody Allen: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Rodney Dangerfield: "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with."
...
Yogi Berra: "A nickel ain't worth a dime any more."

George Raft: "Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly."

Franklin Jones:: "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist."

dustbusterz · ‎09-21-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Lena's Divorce love it

Thanks for likign this one

nell2 · ‎09-21-2011

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Lena's Divorce love it lmbo

dustbusterz · ‎09-21-2011

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Greg Norman Golfer: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. (1975)

Lee Trevino: You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

Lord Mancroft: There are really only three things to learn in skiing: how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor. (1974)

Kevin Keegan: When he was the England soccer manager. 'Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.'

dustbusterz · ‎09-21-2011

KNOCK, KNOCK… I Wonder Who That Could Be?

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said, "Come in and sit down. Now, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, "Damned if I know. I never got this far before."

dustbusterz · ‎09-20-2011

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.