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Gold Conversationalist

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Gold Conversationalist

The Governmental approach is to give you something sh--ty for free, then make you pay to get the sh--ty taste out of your mouth.

Gold Conversationalist

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing by my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed.... "Lord, it's up to you. If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was !

 

     God is good....

Gold Conversationalist

"Good" and "Morning"....

 

Two words that go together like

"cordury" and "cheese".

Gold Conversationalist

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree..

 

2.  You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 

3.  Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 

4.  You'd rather burn your yard than mow it.

 

5.  You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the highdive.

 

6.  The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 

 

Gold Conversationalist

One of the hardest lessons in life to learn,

is which bridge to cross, and which one to burn.

Gold Conversationalist

"I'm really enjoying the new Martin Luther Jr. stamp...

Just think about all those white bigots,

Licking the backside of a black man."

 

Dick Gregory      RIP

Gold Conversationalist

If you stir coconut oil into your kale...

It makes it easier to scrape

Into the garbage..

Gold Conversationalist

Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chap Stick !

Gold Conversationalist

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM......

 

SO SLEEP LATE AND GET A DOUGHNUT !

Gold Conversationalist

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, muscians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Gold Conversationalist

Sign over one of the urinals:

 

EXPRESS LANE:

 

Five beers or less.

 

 

Gold Conversationalist

Bill Clinton was paid 12 million dollars for his memoirs..

Hillary was paid 8 million for hers..

 

That's 20 million dollars from two people who for 8 years repeatedly testified under oath that they could not remember anything !

Gold Conversationalist

The first credit card was issued in 1951 by Diner's Club to 200 customers who could use it in 27 restaurants in N.Y. 

 

The first advertisement for credit was placed in 1730 by Christopher Thornton, who offered furniture that could be paid off weekly.

 

 

Gold Conversationalist

If pro is the opposite of con...

 

Then what is the opposite of progress?

 

CONGRESS !

Gold Conversationalist

Fighting for peace...

Is like screwing for virginity.

 

At a feast of ego,

Everyone leaves hungry.

 

It's hard to make a comeback

If you haven't been anywhere.

Gold Conversationalist

Remember it's not "How high are you?"

It's "Hi, how are you?"

 

Fighting for peace is like

screwing for virginity.

Gold Conversationalist

I drink coffee .....for your protection.

 

Instead of cleaning the house,

I just turn off the lights.

Gold Conversationalist

I've been trying a few "Cowboy Cookbook" recipies....

And I've got the saddle bags to prove it.

Gold Conversationalist

If your town has the same number of bars and churches....You might be from Maine.

 

You go to the dump and bring home more than you brought...

You might be from Maine.

 

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't even work there...

You might be from Maine.

 

If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, ...You be be from Maine.

Gold Conversationalist

In a tiny village on the Irish coast, lived an old lady,a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone.

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN."

 

Not longer after, the old lady died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the limited amount of space available on the small piece of stone.

 

For days he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

 

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

 

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

 

 

Gold Conversationalist

Your kids started using "wicked" as a mutipurpose part of speech.

 

You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.

 

You idea of a traffic jam is to be the second car at the stoplight.

 

You call that long sandwich an "Italian".

 

Your house converts to a B & B every July & August for people from away that you happen to know.

Gold Conversationalist

Passing school zone,

Take it slow...

let our little

Shavers grow.

 

 

 

Burma Shave

Gold Conversationalist

I keep a nude painting of myself in my livineg room.

Laugh if you want, but it sure keeps company from dropping by.

 

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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Those two are a fastidious couple...She's fast and he's hideous.

 

 

 

 

 

Henny Youngman

Gold Conversationalist

No matter the price

No matter how new

The best safety device

In the car is you.

 

 

Burma Shave

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When I read about the evils of drinking... I gave up reading.

 

 

 

 

Henny Youngman

Gold Conversationalist

GO GREEN...............  RECYCLE CONGRESS !

Gold Conversationalist

OBAM-A -LAMA - DING DONG...

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Gold Conversationalist

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night !   Finally, I let her out.

 

My other brother-in-law died. He was a Karate expert, then he joined the Army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Gold Conversationalist

You only take a bath when it rains....

 

Anytime your kids see a dog, they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

 

Your gun cabinet takes up half of your living room.

 

You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.

 

Your master bathroom has the words "Porta" and "potty" written on the side.