SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

The wife came home early from work and found her husband in the bedroom making love to a very young attractive woman.

She cried, "You are a disrespectiful pig !  How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, and mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away !

Husband replied, "Hang on just a minute so I can at least tell you what happened."

She sobbed, "Fine, go ahead. But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

The husband began.... "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift... She looked so down and out and defenseless, that I let her into the car.

I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the leftover Enchiladas from last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you'll put on weight.Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested that she shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I threw them away and gave her the Designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear anymore because they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.

The husband took a quick breath and continued. "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me and asked, "Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"    : )

[BonnieC10]

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman,says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore, he has to charge $50 each for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty bras.

Jewish owner tells him they have become even harder to get and charges him $60 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock for $75. each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me what you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers, .........................

"I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200. each."

[BonnieC10]

A MAN...

A MISS...

A CAR...

A CURVE....

HE KISSED THE MISS, AND MISSED THE CURVE!

           *******************    ******************* 

I'll never join one of those on line dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.....  through alcohol and poor judgement.

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A woman goes to her doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room, or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman returns to the Doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says," Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished, and swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."    : )

[BonnieC10]

Police in Chicago last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 400 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million forged US bank notes and 35 trafficked Latino prostitutes all in a house behind the Public library on Martin Luther King Drive.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesperson said , "Hey, after all man, this IS Chicago ! We're all shocked to pieces . We never knew we had a library in the neighborhood !" 

[BonnieC10]

                        THE PENIS POEM

My nookie days are over....

My pilot light is out...

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when on it's own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the F------ thing !

It used to be embarrassing...

The way it would behave.

For every single morning..

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now, as old age approaches....

It sure gives me the blues...

I see it hang its' little head....

And watch me tie my shoes !     : (

[BonnieC10]

                               ADVICE FOR THE DAY

Never hold in your farts...

They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where

sh-tty ideas come from.

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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing I can have sex at 73!"

I'm so happy, because I live at 67, so it's not too far for me to walk home afterwards.

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Since Nancy Pelosi is no longer speaker of the house, she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from Washington D.C. to San Fransico.

She'll be flying South West from now on, because "bags fly free." ☺

[BonnieC10]

             AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE FROM ANN LANDERS

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then I said, " But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said," You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, " You must have been quite a kid."

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said , "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny---I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't underastand." I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, " Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, " The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

[BonnieC10]

"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong."

Thomas Sowell

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A wife asks her hubby, "How many women have you slept with?"

Hubby proudly replies, "Only you darling, with all the others I was awake."

*   Hospital visiting hours are 11-8 .

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Think you're having a bad day???????

An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was a bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Feel better now?     : )

[BonnieC10]

A public school teacher was arrested at J.F.K. International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attn. Gen. Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement...

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us" Att, Gen. said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" . But we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher lsoscles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow..... 

[BonnieC10]

                   PONDERINGS BY RONALD REAGAN

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S.Congress..."

"The taxpayer:

That's someone who works for the Federal Government, but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby:  An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on earth is a government program."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War:   We win, they lose".

"Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it, and hell where they already have it."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are:  I'm from the Government and I'm here to help."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under."

[BonnieC10]

                        COOL THOUGHTS ON A HOT DAY....

Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations..

Class trip to the Cocoa-Cola factory.

I hope there's no pop quiz...

Energizer bunny arrested.

Charged with battery...

I didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me....

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble...

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me....

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,

But it does have a Liverpool..

I used to be a banker,

But then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York's police station have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on...  

.

[BonnieC10]

I don't like to wear panty hose...

Everytime I fart my legs swell.

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Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

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Trouble in a marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

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Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

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When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

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On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past- but never the present.

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A foolish husband says to his wife," Honey, you stick to the washin',ironin',cookin',and scrubbin', No wife of mine is gonna work.

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Many girls like to marry a military man- he can cook, sew, and make beds, he's in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved!

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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

* Have a great and keep smiling !    ☺

[BonnieC10]

Arthur is ninety years old....

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says,"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur."Your brother is one hundred and three years old !  He can't help."

"He may be one hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," he replies, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."   : (

[BonnieC10]

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said..."At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

I got detention after asking.......  "Which end?"    : (

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I use the 4 food groups:

Canned

Boxed

Frozen

Bagged

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Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but you know what that means.....  more laundry !!

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Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it the "Sheepdog", as it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

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Some people need to get their finger out of their butt, so their brain can get some oxygen !

At my age rolling off the bed in the morning is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.

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[BonnieC10]

A Jewish woman said to her mother... "I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex,sex,sex and more sex! My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8-bedroom mansion, drive a Ferrari, you get $5,ooo a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

[BonnieC10]

         AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.........

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said,..............."Dust."

And that's how the fight started.......

[BonnieC10]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort he forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it nor for death's agony,he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies !!

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and whithered hand, shaking, made it's way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a big metal spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.......

"They're for the funeral."    ....  : (

[BonnieC10]

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space."

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook thier heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!!"

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know. We're going at night !"  ☺

[BonnieC10]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked...

"Is it on or off?"   ☺

[BonnieC10]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were..

The blonde replied, "Rolex, and Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that??"

"HELLLOOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" ☺

[BonnieC10]

                               DAFFYNITIONS

Inoculatte....   To take coffee intraveniously when running late.

Glibido........   All talk, no action.

Osteopornosis.  A degenerate disease.

Dopeler Effect. The tendency of stupi ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Beelzebug ....  Satan in the form of a mosquito.

Caterpallor....  The color you turn after finding a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Abdicate......  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Willy-nilly...... Impotent.

Lymph.........  To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle.......  Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence.....  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash..... A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle........ A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude...... The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon....... A Rastafarian proctologist.

☺

[BonnieC10]

Class Reunion (cont.)

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores...'

We ate hamburgers, coleslaw and beans,

Then most of us lay around in the shade.

In our comfortable T shirts and jeans.

By the fiftieth year, it was abundantly clear,

We were definitely over the hill.

Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,

And be home in time to take their pill.

And now I can't wait, they've set the date; Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told..

It should be a ball, they've rented a hall.

At The Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid..

My pacemakers been turned up on high.

My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled..

And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party.

I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light.

It'll be lots of fun, But I just hope that there's one

Other person who can make it that night!     ♥

[BonnieC10]

A SAFE AND HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY WEEKEND TO ALL !

[BonnieC10]

                          THE CLASS REUNION

Every five years, as summertime nears

An announcement arrives in the mail...

A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand.

Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met.

We tried so hard to impress.

We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,

And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair, the whole class was there.

It was held at a fancy hotel.

We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined.

And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first

To achieve great fortune and fame..

Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses

And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,

Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.

The jocks who were there, had all lost their hair...

And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd...

Who guided a spacecraft to the moon..

Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain,

She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed,  ' most apt to succeed',

Was serving ten years in the pen.

While the one voted 'least' now was a priest,

Just shows you can be wrong now and then,

They awarded a prize to one of the guys

Who seemed to have aged the least,.

Another was given to the grad who had driven,

The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture

Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties...

Tall,short,or skinny, the style was the mini.

You never saw so many thighs!

At our next get-together, no one cared whether

They impressed their classmates or not.

The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal,

By this time we'd all gone to pot.

(to be continued)

[BonnieC10]

An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on out in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

He opened the back door to go turn the light off, but saw there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police who asked, "is someone in your house?" He said, "No,but some people are breakiong into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

He said, "Okay," and he hung up....counted to 30, then phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within 5 minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two Fire trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up and caught the burgulars red handed.

One of the Policeman said to him, "I thought you said you shot them!"

He replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

*  Don't mess with old people.  : )

[BonnieC10]

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray." the priest said.

"No," said the minister,"I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.  "Hey fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole!"    : )

[BonnieC10]

A country founded by geniuses....

But run by idiots.

[BonnieC10]

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment.Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said," My name is Benjamin, and I am Jewish, and this is the Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said,"My name is Mary and I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary."

The third student got up in front of the class and said,"My name is Tommy, I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

[BonnieC10]

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of Ju;ly picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious." the priest teased the Rabbi, "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing."

"You haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The Rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, "At your wedding."

[BonnieC10]

An 85 year old woman asked President Obama if her Insurance covered her hip replacement operation she needed. President Obama said, "No, it doesn't cover hip replacements. But you are eligible for birth control." 😞