SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Riots and protests were rapidly getting out of hand in La., Miami, Atlanta and New York. Tear gas,water hoses, bean bags, and rubber bullets ...... nothing was working.

Finally in desparation, police had to fly helicopters over and dump "Job Applications" onto the raging mobs.

Crowds were dispersed in less than two minutes.  ☺

[BonnieC10]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic church.

"Father," he confessed, "It has been one month since my last confession.I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner,"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon afterward, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood." the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the Sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes....

The priest and the alter boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching emerald shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize that one could see all the way to the junction of O my goodness and O my golly !

The priest turned to the alter boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed alter boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply......

"No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."    ☺

[BonnieC10]

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

The doc says, " Then don't do that !"

     *******        *******      *******       ********      ******

The doctor says to the patient, " Take your clothes off and stick  your tongue out the window."

"What will that do?" asks the patient.

The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor."

******   ********     *****     ********      ********       *********

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, " That's what puzzles me!"

******         *******      ********      *****      *******        ********

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Limp!"

*******        ********        *********       *****        ********

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?"

"$50,000," Thay called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it !"

Farrahs's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look."I

 "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

[BonnieC10]

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of paper. Who do I do?"  "Just use the paper from the photocopier." the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.....

I recently saw a woman weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door opener. Now I can't get into my car."

Pointing at a distant convenience store she asked, "Do you think they would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy." she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I replied. "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

PLEASE JUST LAY DOWN BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF !!!!!!!

Dave Barry

[BonnieC10]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quaterback. One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone on the West Bank. In one corner of background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

"I've got to get this guy.!" The Coach said to himself. He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States, and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom", he says into the phone,"I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand Mother."

"No ! Let me tell you " his mother retorts. " At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch life last week, and your sister , I have to keep in the house so she doesn't get raped !" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully added..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"   : (

[BonnieC10]

                             DAVE BARRY'S WIT

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the ER, the kid had eaten ants...

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadrly and he should be fine.

The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."

Dispatcher, "Rush him in to emergency right now !"

LIFE IS TOUGH. IT'S EVEN TOUGHER IF YOU'RE STUPID !!!

A woman at work was seen putting her credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

[BonnieC10]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast...

They are both quite atartled.The man turns to the woman and says, " Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

[BonnieC10]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband , feeling rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.......

"Do you have a dentst appointment tomorrow too?"

[BonnieC10]

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your age.....as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight! "

Phyllis Diller 

[BonnieC10]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi were on the same  stage at Yankee Stadium in front of a hugh crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand , I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?"

"I seriously doubt that" replied Ms. Pelosi. "Show me."

So, the Pope backhanded the Bit--!

[BonnieC10]

A lady was helping her hubby install a new PC. Once completed, she told him to pick a password. Selecting one word that he would always remember. When the PC asked him to enter it, he looked at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink of his eye, he selected..............Mypenis..... as he hit 'enter' to valedate the selection, his wife collapsed with laughter and rolled on the floor in hysteria.

The PC replied,.......... Too short, access denied.       : )

[BonnieC10]

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over the patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me Miss, those are my testicles you are holding!"

" I know,"  she answered sweetly." And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"  ☺

[BonnieC10]

"Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you."

Winston Churchill

"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

Phyllis Diller

"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."

Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet:

"If it tastes good, spit it out !"     : (

[BonnieC10]

I was in Bullhead City AZ. the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read...

I miss Detroit . 

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires , added a Obama sticker, and left a note that read....

I hope this helps...  ☺

[BonnieC10]

A WARM CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:

CHUCKWARN

ANGELSHEART61

LUCYGMCMENAMY

[BonnieC10]

The secret of a good sermon, is to have a good  beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

I have never dated a man enough to give his diamonds back."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Jimmy Durante

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

[BonnieC10]

A student is looking for a place to sit in a crowded University Library. He asked a girl sitting alone, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice, "I don't want to spend the night with you !"

All the students in the library started starring at the guy. He was truly embarressed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked over and said with a laugh,"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded in a loud voice, " $500 for one night? That' s too much!  "

All the people looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear,I study law, and I know how to screw people " ☺

[BonnieC10]

A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jay bird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table."You know, honey",the little old lady breathlessly replied," I'm as hot for you now as I was fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One nipple is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."  ♥

[BonnieC10]

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on the weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old grandson for a drive in the car for some quality time...just the two of them.

One particular Saturday , however, he had a bad cold and couldn't go. His wife came to the rescue and took the child out for a ride.

When they returned, the little boy anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a--hole, blind bastard, dipsh--, or a SOB anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?   ☺

[Angelsheart61]

A couple were celebrating their 25th Wedding Anniversary.  They had a wonderful life with 2 children. Everytime they made love, the Husband wanted all the lights off. After the Anniversary, Celebration, the Wife said "I wanna make Love with the lights on".  The Husband replied "No Honey, why mess up a good thing?"  So, the Husband proceded to make love to is Wife with all the lights off. As the Wife was enjoying the actions of her Husband, she reached over & turned on the bedside lamp. Much to her surprise, her Husband was using a Vibrator.  The Wife was furious, She exclaimed "A vibrator?  How can you explain this?"  The Husband Replied back, "2 Children, How can you explain that?"   

[BonnieC10]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet's, when they strike up a conversation.

The Black Lab turns to the Chocolate Lab and says," So, why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies," I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids... But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Black Lab says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply. "They reckon it will calm me down. Now tell me, why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab chimes in...."I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flower beds,I dig just for the hell of it. But last night I went over the line and dug a big hole in my owner's couch."

"So, what are they gonna do to you?" asks the Black Lab.

"Looks like I'm gonna lose my nuts too." says the Yellow Lab.

The Yellow Lab turns to the Black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper, I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever . I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got ot of the shower and was bending over to dry her toes. I couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Yellow and Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you, huh?"

The Black Lab says...... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."  ☺

[BonnieC10]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior will walk past, put his face  to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, " What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a--holes."

Without skipping a beat the iold timer said, "Must be doing well....Only two left."

Moral:  DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE. ☺

[BonnieC10]

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"Somebody get me a priest!" gasped the man.

"Is there a priest in the crowd?" yelled a policeman.

Finally out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80's.

"Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest, but for 50 years I've lived behind the Catholic church and I've overheard their services, maybe I can be some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to the injured man. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-4.....I-19...N-38....G-54...0-72....

[BonnieC10]

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST SHARE A JOKE MEMBERS ..

USERBCMRBILL

FROGDAD

ECHANOINE 2

LAUGHING ACRES

HELLYNBABY

DANCING LADY

JAGGWIRE

[BonnieC10]

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT A TSA AGENT THE SAME WAY AGAIN.....

1. Grope discounts available.

2. Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

3. If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

4..Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

5. Don't worry , my hands are still warm from the last guy.

6.  Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

7.  We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

8.  We are now free to move about your pants.

9.  We rub you the wrong way,so you can be on your way.

10. It's not a grope,it's a "Freedom Pat."

11. When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

[BonnieC10]

Dear Algebra:

Stop asking us to find your "X".....

She's not coming back !

***************************

I'm not sure if I have some free time on my hands,

Or if I'm just forgetting to do something....

*********************

I think more about running away now than I did when I was a child.....

But, by the time I put in my teeth, get my glasses on, and find my

keys, I forget why I'm going.

******************

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in

the dryer for ten minutes and come out

wrinkle free, back to our original shape,

three sizes smaller, and smelling April fresh ??

[BonnieC10]

An oldie, but a goodie:

A young man with his pants hangng off his a$$ , two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.... I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in a 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy,just plain wide-eyed, said, "You've got to be bullshi-- in' me!"

The social worker said................. "Yeah, well....you started it." ☺

[BonnieC10]

Some days the best thing about my job is.....the chair spins ..

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row...!

                            TOMORROW ( noun )

A mystical land where 99% of all humor, productivity and achievement is stored.

If you mated a Bull dog and a Shitzu... would it be called Bullsh--?

[BonnieC10]

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester who offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said....

" Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said:

" Honey, my father died in France during WW11 , I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam...... All three died so a bit-- like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country!"

If you touch me agin, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."

GOD BLESS AMERICA..... I LOVE GETTING OLD !!   ♥

[BonnieC10]

The wife came home early from work and found her husband in the bedroom making love to a very young attractive woman.

She cried, "You are a disrespectiful pig !  How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, and mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away !

Husband replied, "Hang on just a minute so I can at least tell you what happened."

She sobbed, "Fine, go ahead. But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

The husband began.... "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift... She looked so down and out and defenseless, that I let her into the car.

I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the leftover Enchiladas from last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you'll put on weight.Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested that she shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I threw them away and gave her the Designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear anymore because they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.

The husband took a quick breath and continued. "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me and asked, "Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"    : )