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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Welcome to our newest cyber friend....



                Actually 21

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Outside England's Bristol Zoo, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were $1.40 for cars and about $7. for buses.



Then one day after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up. So the zoo management contacted the city council and asked them to send another parking agent.



The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.......



Meanwhile, sitting in a villa on the coast of France, Italy or Spain, is a man who apparently had a ticket booth completely on his own and then had simply begun to collect the parking fees estimated at about $560. a day.... for 25 years!



Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7.000,000... and no one knows his name !

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A milkman, on his morning delivery route, found a note in a blonde's milk box asking for 25 gallons of milk...



Thinking she must have made an error and meant to say 2.5 gallons of milk, he rang the door bell to ask and make sure. The blonde answered and assured him she did mean 25 gallons of milk.



"I want to fill my bathtub and take a milk bath so I will be beautiful".



The milkman then asked, "Do you want pasteurized?"



The blonde replied, "No, as long as it covers my boobs, I can splash it on my face."  

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A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove, seemed to be too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.



The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask, do you have any experience picking lemons?"



"Well," she replied. "Actually I do. I've been divorced 3 times, owned 2 Chryslers, and voted for O'Bama!"   

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IF YOU'VE LIVED IN MAINE CONT.



 



You know the difference between pea, yellow eye, and Red Kidney.



 



You wouldn't eat beans in tomato sauce or Manhattan clam chowdah if you were starving.



 



Al least once in your life, a sea gull has pooped on you.



 



You call that long sandwich an "Italian."



 



Your kids started using 'wicked' as a multipurpose part of speech.



 



You've ditched your car on the side of the road somewhere because you thought you saw some good fiddleheads!



 



You know a lobster pot is a trap, not a kettle.



 



You've watched "Murder She Wrote" and snickered at the stupid fake accents.



 



You have to replace your mailbox yearly because of the town plow.



 



You know what fly dope is.



 



The area around your back door is referred to as 'the dooryard'.



 



You've got red hotdogs, and Moxie in the fridge.



 



Hope this brought back memories to all you Maineiacs out there.   : )



 



 

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If a cop pulls over a U-Haul truck,



Does it mean he's attempting to



Bust a move?

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IF YOU'VE LIVED IN MAINE, THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS:



 



You've had arguments over the comparative quality of Fried Dough.



 



You diet all week so you can consume 40,000 calories at the fair.



 



You eat ice cream with flavors like "Moose Tracks" and "Maine Black Bear".



 



When it snows four inches you call it 'a dusting'.



 



You are surprised to discover there aren't any fried clam shacks elsewhere in the country.



 



You know what an Irving is, and the location of 15 of them .



 



Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in the spring.



 



You can drive the Augusta traffic circles without breaking into a cold sweat.



 



You think a gravel pit is a cool place to hang out.



 



You think a mosquito could be a species of bird.



 



You once skipped school and went to Bar Harbor, Old Orchard Beach or Reid Stste Park.



 



Even your school cafeteria made good chowdah.



 



 



 



 

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                          TEXTING FOR SENIORS



 



Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:



 



ATD-  At the Doctor's



BFF -  Best friend's funeral



BTW - Bring the wheelchair



BYOT- Bring your own teeth



CBM-  Covered by Medicare



CUATSC- See you at the senior center



DWI-  Driving while incontinent



FWIW- Forgot where I was



GGPBL- Gotta go,Pacemaker Battery Low



GHA-   Got heartburn again



HGBM- Had good bowel movement



LMDO- Laughing my dentures out



LOL-   Living on Lipitor



OMSG- Oh my! Sorry, gas



TOT-   Texting on toilet



WAITT- Who am I talking to?



GGLKI-  Gotta go, Laxative kicking in !    : )



 



 



 



 

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A YOUNG MAN GOT AN 'F' ON THIS EXAM, BUT AN A+ FOR CREATIVITY....



 



1.  In which battle did Napoleon die?



        ans:   His last one.



2.  Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?



       ans:  On the bottom of the page.



3.  River Ravi flows in which state?



       Ans: Liquid state.



4.  What is the main reason for divorce?



      Ans:  Marriage.



5.  What is the main reason for exams?



     Ans:   Failure



6.  What can you never eat for Breakfast?



     Ans:  Lunch and dinner



7.  What looks like half an apple?



     Ans:  The other half.



8.  If you threw a red stone into the Blue Sea, what will it become?



     Ans:  Simply a wet stone.



9.  How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?



    Ans:  Easy.. sleep at night.



10.  How can you lift an elephant with one hand?



     Ans:  You can never lift an elephant that has one hand.



11.  If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand and 3 oranges and 4 apples in the other hand, what would you have?



      Ans:  Very large hands.



12.  If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a brick wall, how long would it take 4 men to build it?



      Ans:  No time at all, the wall was already built.



13.  How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?



      Ans:  Anyway you want, because a concrete floor is very hard to crack.

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During a visit to the doctor, I asked him ,"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?"



"Well," he said. "We fill up a bathtub , then we offer a teaspoon, a cup or a bucket to the person to empty the tub with."



"Oh, I undertstand," I said, "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than a spoon or a cup."



"No," he said, "A normal person would pull the plug."......



"Do you want a bed near the window?"

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A Redneck goes to the pharmacist and says, "Got me a hot date tonite and I need me some protection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"



The Pharmacist responds...."A 3-pk. of condoms is $4.99 with tax."



To which the redneck replies, "Tacks!!  Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by thereself?"

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WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST CYBER FRIEND... STRETCH 97 ! 



 



MAY A SMILE COME YOUR WAY, EACH AND EVERY DAY.



             

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I'M 5' FT 9" TALL

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The officer said,  "You drinkin'?"



I said, "You buyin'?"



We laughed....



And laughed....



I need bail money.   : (



 



 *************************************************



 



Mabel, and her friend Ethyll, were relaxing reading magazines.



Mabel said, "I'm in the mood for a quickie."



Ethyll replied, "I think that's pronounced... Quiche!"

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Ma loves Pa.......



Pa loves women...



Ma caught Pa..



With two in swimmin'...



Here lies Pa...



 



************************************************************************



 



                   Here lies Pancrazio Juvenales



 



                 He was a good husband



                 A wonderful Father



                 But a bad electrician !



 



 



        HAPPFATHER' S DAY



 



To all Dad's out there... biological and otherwise.



 

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"Some may own castles on the banks of the Rhine,



And hire an orchestra each evening at nine...



But richer than I they will never be...



I had a Dad who spent time with me."

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                     INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY



 



I thought you might want to consider getting on board early....



A Polish Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says the prophets are through the roof. 

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                    WHEN YOU ARE OVER 70, WHO GIVES A CRAP?



 



 



I was talking to a girl in a bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, You'd look all right."



I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."   : )



 



*************************************************************************



 



I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...



The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in...



 



************************************************************************



 



I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table...



I said, "Nice legs."



The girl giggled and said with a smile, "You think so?"



I said, "Definitely!  Most tables would have collapsed by now."   : (



 



************************************************************************



 



I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born by feeling her boobs.



"Really?"  she said, "Go on then....try."



After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"



I said......  "Yesterday." 



 



 



************************************************************************



 



                           WHEN YOU'RE OVER 70 WHO GIVES A CRAP?



 

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Anyone can be a Father......



But it takes someone special to be a Dad ! 

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                               Pennies From Heaven



 



I found a penny today



Just lying on the ground...



But it's not just a penny,



This little coin I've found.



 



Found pennies come from Heaven,



That's what my grandpa told me..



He said Angel's toss them down,



Oh,  how I loved that story.



 



He said when an angel misses you,



They toss a penny down...



Sometimes just to cheer you up,



To make a smile out of your frown.



 



So don't pass by a penny,



When you're feeling blue...



It may be a penny from Heaven,



That an Angel's tossed to you.

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A Father is someone who carries pictures



Where his money used to be. 

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Thank you Earl !   I'm glad you enjoy them . Have a great day .



 



 



 



In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:



In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:



 Bonnie, Your daily jokes are one of the few reasons I still visit this site but I can't ignore an urban legend. http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/sneeze.asp 



                                             





Posted by Oldkayaker



 

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In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:



 Bonnie, Your daily jokes are one of the few reasons I still visit this site but I can't ignore an urban legend. http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/sneeze.asp 



                                             

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                                                GRADUATION



 



They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing....and the traditional caps, they looked almost... as grown up as they felt.



Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements....not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.



The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families...



The speeches were nice, but they were routine... until the final speech received a standing ovation.



A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then it happened.....



All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!



The student on stage...simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU" each and every one of you !"   ..... and he walked off the stage.



The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.



 



This is a true story.... it happened at the University of Maryland.



 



 

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                            ADULT TRUTHS****



 



1.  Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.



2.  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you're wrong....



3.  How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?



4.  Bad decisions make good stories.



5.  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray ? I don't want to have to restart my collection....again !



6.  I disagree with Kay Jewlers . I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.



7.  I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.



8.  How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?



9.  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters !



10. The first testicular guard"The Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first 'helmet' was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important!

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A woman recieved a call that her daughter was sick...



 



She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and discovered that she had locked the keys inside.



The woman found an old rusty coat hanger laying on the ground.



She looked at it and asked God to send her help.



Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.



 



A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag asked her if he could help..



She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick, and I've locked my keys in my car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"



He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and within less than a minute the car was open.



 



She hugged the man through tears said, "Thank you SO much! You are a nice  man."



The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."



The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God!  You even sent me a Professional!"



 



Is God good, or what ?   : )

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A beautiful poem about growing older........



 



Sh-- !  I forgot the words........  : (

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A frustrated wife said to her hubby... " Oh Gawd...I'm convinced my mind is almost gone!"



Meekly the hubby replied, "I'm not surprised, you've been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years !"

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Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.



The only question asked was:



 



"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



 



The survey was a massive failure because of the following:



 



1.  In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.



2.  In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.



3.  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.



4.  In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.



5.  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.



6.  In South America they didn't know what " please" meant.



7.  In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



8.  In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that the wheel was turnin', but the hampster was dead?



 



Caution.... when someone tells you to get a grip..apparently around the neck is not what they meant... who knew???



 



That my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told....



So enjoy each day, and live it up..



Before you are too old !!



 



 

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