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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 441 of 2,654

By Jeff Foxworthy

 

 

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the irish, Italians,Polish, Hungarians, Chinese, French, the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc. but it's insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims? 

 

Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politicially incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims.

 

1.  If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.

 

2. If you own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, you may be a Muslim.

 

3.  If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

 

4.  If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, you may be a Muslim.

 

5.  If you think vests come in two styles. Bullet-proof and suicide, you may be a Muslim. 

 

6.  If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, you may be a Muslim. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 442 of 2,654

A GOOD LAUGH,

AND A LONG SLEEP,

ARE THE TWO BEST CURES

FOR ANYTHING. 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 443 of 2,654

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ..."Rabbi,"  something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said, "Yes." and the Rabbi replied, 
"Take the poison."

 

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.  Smiley Frustrated

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 444 of 2,654

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear." he said, "Of course John," his wife said softly.

 

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob.

" But I thought you hated Bob." she said.

 

With his last breath John said,   " I do ! "

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 445 of 2,654

WHERE WILL YOU BE SITTING IN ETERNITY?

SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

 

CHURCH PARKING...

TRESPASSERS

WILL BE BAPTIZED

 

HOW DO WE MAKE HOLY WATER?

WE BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT!

 

EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND

IS A GOOD ONE

 

ADAM BLAMED EVE

EVE BLAMED THE SNAKE

AND THE SNAKE DIDN'T 

HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

 

TRY OUR SUNDAYS

THEY ARE BETTER THAN

BASKIN-ROBBINS

 

ASPIRE TO INSPIRE

BEFORE YOU EXPIRE.

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BAD TO COME IN..

YOU ARE NOT TOO GOOD TO STAY OUT.

 

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 446 of 2,654

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere.. showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to Mexico. 

 

In the small town of Guadalupe, **bleep**. south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving.

 

As he loaded his stolen car with his stolen belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told reporters through an interpreter, "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal !"

 

The effects of the exsodus are being felt by Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

 

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits. Tattoo parlors are in absolute state of panic!

 

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

 

Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 447 of 2,654

This is something that happened in an assisted living center...

 

The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

 

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on the his door to see if everything was OK.

 

She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

 

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room, and she found him on the stairs.

 

He was coming down the stairs but having a hell of a time !

 

He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

 

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.

 

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

 

A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

 

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

 

 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 448 of 2,654

One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey- are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks." he replied.

"You look frazzled, the woman said. Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you." he answered. "But I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on." the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted."I can see you cut your head, it could be serious. Let me take care of that right away, I'm a nurse."

She was very persuasive... and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked about golf, and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. 

Finally he confessed, "I'm feeling alot better now, I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly," the woman said with a smile, "She won't know anything . By the way, where is your wife?"

"Under the cart." he replied.  Cat Surprised

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 449 of 2,654

Thank God for dirty dishes....

They have a tale to tell.

While others may go hungry,

We're eating very well.

With home, health and happiness, I shouldn't want to fuss.

By the stack of evidence ,

God's been very good to us! 

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Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Message 450 of 2,654

Blondes be like.............

 

"I saw your phone. Who the hell is Amber alert ??" 

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