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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Puns For Educated Minds cont.

 

 

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here I'll go on ahead."

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

          

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This set of 100 quick movie clips in 10 minutes is pretty cool.  Some
of the best and most memorable lines ever.
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10.....

"Can I borrow the dog?" Get in line  lol  

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink...Looking around , he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine lookin' woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I've ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing....

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!!"

At this point the biker slowly stands up, takes the drunk by the collar, looks him square in the eye and says....................................

'GRANDPA....  GO HOME !!!"    

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I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called"Depends".
Well, here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em, and Pamper' em. But when old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Hope this helps straighten out this issue for you.

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Redneck cont.

 

 

11.   Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

12.   Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

 

13.   You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

 

14.   You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

 

15.   You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

 

16.   You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

 

17.   You have a rag for a gas cap.

 

18.   Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

 

19.   You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean...

 

20.   You can spit without opening your mouth.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                 CHURCH BULLETIN

A bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.    

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.     

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee,when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

                                     ~

 

A long, black hearse was followed by a second long, black hearse a few feet behind the first one.

 

                                     ~

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

 

                                   ~

 

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking, single file...... The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man.

                                     ~

"I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

                                   ~

"My wife's "

                                   ~

"What happened to her?"

                                  ~

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

                                  ~

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

                                 ~

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife, when the dog turned on her."

                                      ~

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

                                     ~

"Can I borrow the dog?"

                                     ~

The man replied....."Get in line"         

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by jacobirose

 

Hi Joan, Welcome..... Best wishes, and pop in anytime.  

 

 

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just popping my head in.....to say hello............back for who knows how long.......will save a good joke that comes my way for in here soon.........ya'all be good now.!!!!!!!!!

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In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 If you laugh,you'll go straight to hell...." lol nell

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I love itdoes it refer to Cats also......lol nell

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                     MY DOG LIVES HERE

My dogs live here, they're here to stay...

you don't like pets, be on your way. They

share my home, my food, my space. This is

their home, this is their place.

You will find dog hair on the floor, they will

alert you're at the door. They may request a

little pat, a simple 'no' will settle that.

It gripes me when I hear some say, 'just how is it you live this way?" They smell, they shed, they're

in the way, "WHO ASKED YOU? is all I say...

They love me more than anyone, my voice is like

the rising sun. they merely have to hear me say,

"C'mon , time to go and play" then tails wag and faces grin,

they bounce and hop and make a din. They never

say "no time for you", they're always there to GO and DO !

And if I'm sad, They're by my side, and if I'm mad?

They circle wide, and if I laugh, they laugh with me

they understand , they always see.

So once again, I say to you come visit me, but

know this too....

My dogs live here, they're here to stay.

You don't like pets, be on your way.

They share my home, my food,

my space, this is their home,

this is their place.

 

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

 

       PEACE STARTS WITH A SMILE....

 

Don't let your worries get you down, remember Moses was once a basket case...

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If you get up early to go Christmas shopping today, you can save a ton of money. Of course, if you roll over and say, "Screw shopping this year," you can save even more.

 

 

 

 

maxine

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I sold my hair to buy your Christmas present this year!

 

Both legs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maxine

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 
RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
posted at 08/15/2010 05:34:32 PM CDT

 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Handle every stressful situation like a dog....Pee on it, and walk away..     love it  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Grandad was reminicsing about the good old days.... lol   The thing about the good old days,is Jim  tell's  about them ever day      just- nell

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The reason a dog has so many friends..

He wags his tail instead of his tongue.

 

Character is like a tree, and reputation like a shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it, and the tree the real thing.

Abe Lincoln

 

Grandad was reminicsing about the good old days....

"When I was a lad, momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I'd come back with 5lbs. of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 qts. of milk, a lb. of cheese , a packet of tea and a half dozen eggs...

You can't do that now, too darn many security cameras!     

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                                  MORE TWISTED NURSERY RHYMES

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses,

An all the King's men,

Had scrambled eggs

For breakfast again.    

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle

All over the bedside clock....

The little dog laughed to see such fun,

Then died of electric shock.    

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry....

And when the boys came out to play...

He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.    

There was a little girl, who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead....

When she was good, she was very,very good.

But when she was bad......

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.   

 

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In Response to Jack and Jill went up the hill by nell2

 

Hmmmmmmm..........   LOLOLOLOLOLOL  !

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell

Jack and Jill went up the hill,to fetch a pail of water.Jack had 2 dollars but when they came back- Jill had the2 dollars, do you think they went after water.... 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

As we age, our sense of humor changes along with other things...I'm sure that these are not politically correct in today's world....so what !

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered,

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little ....  darling  : )

Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead,

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To have a little fun....

Stupid Jill forgot the pill,

And now they have a son..

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon, to the pie man, "What do you have there?"

Said the pie man to Simple Simon....

"Pies, you dumb a$$  !!  "       

 

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I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore! Sad , but true!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgd9hitEAE

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I reposted this on Our Front Porch.  Its hilarious.  Thanks Bonnie!

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An elderly lady says to her friend:

 

"My memory is so bad...."

 

"How bad is it?" asks her friend.

 

"How bad is what?" she reponds.

 

 

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

 

"Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."

 

 

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour....

 

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!   Cat Surprised   

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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

 

 

If you answer "I guess so", during your wedding vows.

 

If your wedding limo had a winch.

 

If you think disposable diapers are an appropriate wedding gift.

 

If your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.

 

If your sexiest gown came from a hospital.

 

If your wedding invitations say, "Same time, same place."

 

 

JEFF FOXWORTHY

 

 

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SameTime,SamePlace,LOL  this is about time, too:  

MAGIC GREEN HAT 

 

 

Earlier this year while on vacation to escape the snow and cold, I passed through Florida on my way to the Caribbean cruise.  The day after returning from my cruise, I wasn’t feeling very well and decided that I really needed some medical assistance... and decided to visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility.

 

Realizing that it would likely be very crowded and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5 hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

 

As soon as I entered the E.R., I noticed that over 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't really that sick after all.

 

I’m believing that MAGIC GREEN HAT cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.  

 

Here's a picture of my MAGIC GREEN HAT: 

 Mail Attachment.jpeg

It also works at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles.  It saved me 5 hours.

 

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, many of which were still running.  

If you live in Texas, or Arizona or Florida, it might cut your wait time at the grocery store as well. 

But . . . don't try it at McDonald's.

The whole crew ran out the back door and I never got my order!

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                            STRESS MANAGEMENT

 

 

1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

 

2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.

 

3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

 

4. Drive carefully.....It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

 

5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

 

6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 

 

 

 

                          Have a terrific Tuesday !

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  This will relieve stress, too:

Something for all of us to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!

 

1.. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
....What was the third child's name?

 

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
.....What does he weigh?

 

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

 

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole
....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

 

5.. What word in the English language
....is always spelled incorrectly?

 

6.. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
....Why not?

 

8.. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

 

9.. If you were running a race,
....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

 

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
.....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

    

                                Smiley Tongue

1.. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

 

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

 

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

 

4.. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

 

5.. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

 

8.. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

 

9.. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

 

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

 

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One.. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

 

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

 

2) You are human.

 

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

 

4) You just attempted to do it.

 

6) You are laughing at yourself.

 

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

 

😎 You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

 

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

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