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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Being old is like being a dog... The high points of the day are scratching, peeing and watching for the mailman.

 

 

 

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall?

 

California became a state. The people had no electricity.

 

The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish, and there

 

were gunfights in the streets.

 

So basically nothing has changed, except the women had real boobs and

 

the men didn't hold hands.

 

 

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I love to give homemade gifts.......

 

Which one of my kids

 

Would you like ???       Smiley Embarassed

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MAXINE SAYS:

 

Some of the neighbors' kids actually look better in masks.

 

 

Can someone please tell me what's fun about a hayride???

 

 

What really scares me about Halloween is knowing that all the family holidays

 

are coming up.

 

 

Tonights a full moon, huh?

 

Well at least my howling won't

 

Seem so out of place.!    Cat Mad

 

 

 

HAPPHALLOWEEN   !!!

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I have decided I no longer want to be an adult......

 

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my blanket fort, coloring.   Smiley Wink

 

 

 

 

Just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to

 

the starving people throughout the world.

 

I told them to get lost. Anyone who fits into my clothes, isn't starving!!

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Q. Where do most werewolves live?

 

A. In Howllywood.

 

 

 

Q. Why don't witches wear underwear when riding their brooms?

 

A. So they can get a better grip.

 

 

Q. What do witches get at hotels?

 

A. Broomservice.

 

 

Knock, knock,

who's there?

 

Annie,

Annie who?

 

Annie body home?

 

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DOES ANYONE ELSE GET ROAD RAGE FROM

 

PUSHING A CART THROUGH WALMART, OR

 

IS IT JUST ME?

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SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE WINDSHEILD....

 

SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE BUG...

 

 

 

 

Just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to starving people throughout the world....

I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes, isn't starving !

 

 

 

MAXINE SAYS:

 

"Rake leaves, or move? I can't decide... I say rake the leaves and let the neighbors have them... they're always saying I don't give them anything but finger gestures!!! Serves them right. I get no respect !!!

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Retired Moderator

 

Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills...

 

 
Can you meet this challenge?

 

 
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.
And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
 
 

 

7H15                    M3554G3

 

53RV35                    7O PR0V3

 

H0W                    0UR M1ND5 C4N

 

D0                    4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

 

1MPR3551V3                    7H1NG5!

 

1N                    7H3 B3G1NN1NG

 

17                    WA5 H4RD BU7

 

N0W,                    0N 7H15 LIN3

 

Y0UR                    M1ND 1S

 

R34D1NG 17

 

4U70M471C4LLY

 

W17H                    0U7 3V3N

 

7H1NK1NG                    4B0U7 17,

 

B3  PROUD! 0NLY

 

C3R741N                    P30PL3 C4N

 

R3AD                    7H15.

 

PL3453                    F0RW4RD 1F

 

U                     C4N R34D 7H15.

 

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

 

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

 

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

 

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.

 

 

 

 

 

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Honored Social Butterfly


@communityhost wrote:

 

Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills...

 

 
Can you meet this challenge?

 

 
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.
And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.
 
 

 

7H15                    M3554G3

 

53RV35                    7O PR0V3

 

H0W                    0UR M1ND5 C4N

 

D0                    4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

 

1MPR3551V3                    7H1NG5!

 

1N                    7H3 B3G1NN1NG

 

17                    WA5 H4RD BU7

 

N0W,                    0N 7H15 LIN3

 

Y0UR                    M1ND 1S

 

R34D1NG 17

 

4U70M471C4LLY

 

W17H                    0U7 3V3N

 

7H1NK1NG                    4B0U7 17,

 

B3  PROUD! 0NLY

 

C3R741N                    P30PL3 C4N

 

R3AD                    7H15.

 

PL3453                    F0RW4RD 1F

 

U                     C4N R34D 7H15.

 

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

 

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

 

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

 

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.

 

 

 

 

 


Thought this was worth reposting. 🙂

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Gold Conversationalist

MAXINE SAYS:

 

 

" Instead of a sign that says, "Do not disturb"... I need one that says,

 

"Already disturbed, proceed with caution."     Man Tongue

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I just received an audit on my taxes for 2012 from the IRS !  It puzzles me...

 

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it's because of my response to the question.. "List all Dependents".  

 

I replied, "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, and 535 persons in the House and Senate, plus 1 useless President.

 

Evidently this was not an acceptable answer...

 

I keep asking myself  .  "Who the Hell did I miss?"  Smiley Sad 

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Been married for twenty years and I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet.

 

Whenever I have difficulties, I take out my wallet, and stare at her picture.

 

It comeforts me to know that...........

 

If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything !  Smiley LOL

 

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You know you're from Maine, when you can use the heat and the A/C the same day !

 

 

In 1939 the New York Times predicted that the TV would fail, as people would not take the time to stop and stare at a screen.

 

 

Sign in a restaurant:

 

NO we do not have WI-FI !

 

Talk to each other !!

 

 

Wine is to women, as duct tape is to men...

 

They both fix anything.

 

 

Dance like no one is watching, Because everyone is on their phones,

 

So no one is watching !

 

 

 

                        A TERRIFIC TUESDAY TO ALL ! 

 

 

 

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9 yr.-old baseball players aside and asked... "Do you understand what co-operation is? "What team is?" the little boy nodded.

 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose as a team?" Yes, nodded the boy.

 

"So," the coach continued... "I'm sure you know when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the unpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or a--h--- ?"   Again the boy nodded.

 

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not sportsmanship to call your coach a 'dumbass' or 'sh--head' is it?   The little boy shook his head no .

 

"Good, said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all of that to your Grandfather !!" Smiley Embarassed

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Q.     What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

 

ans:   An animal that can knit it's own sweater.

 

 

 

 

 

You know that little thing in your head that keeps you from saying things that you shouldn't?

 

Yeah, well I don't have one of those.....

 

 

 

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change...

 

And wine to accept the things I can't.

 

 

 

If it walks out of the refrigerator....let it go !!

 

 

 

 

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Coffee in hand, big girl panties pulled up, sparkle in my eye and a smile on my face. Yep, I'm ready for the day.... Bring it on !

 

 

 

                       A FABULOUS FRIDAY TO ALL !

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A little 10-yr.-old girl was walking home alone, when a big man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

 

"Hey there, little girl, want a ride?"  "NO!" said the little girl, and she kept walking.

 

The motorocycle pulls up along side her again and the man offered her $10 if she got on and she said , "NO!" and hurried down the street.

 

The man pulls up alongside her again and says, "Last offer. $20 and a big bag of candy if you go for a ride."

 

Finally the little girl stops, turns to the man and says, "DAD ! you're the one who bought a Honda instead of a Harley, now you ride it !!"

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Hubby takes the wife to her high school reunion.

 

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning, and overly bored.

 

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it up. He's moon walking, break dancing, doing back flips and buying drinks for people, the works....

 

Wife turns to hubby and says, "See that guy? 25 yrs. ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

 

Hubby says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."   Smiley Frustrated

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My hubby. being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day, so he could be able to monitor my moods.

 

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, the ring is green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

 

Nest time, maybe he'll buy me a diamond !  Smiley Wink

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A Marine enters the Catholic church confessional booth. He tells the priest, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last night I beat the hell out of an O'Bama supporter."

 

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins. Not to discuss your community service."   Smiley Surprised

 

 

 

 

                   BE SOMEBODY'S REASON TO SMILE.

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Trusted Contributor

If you can relate to this , you are already in trouble!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0

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   Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & bang your wife while you was off huntin' and she got knocked up and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
And, I like Tennessee, really I do.
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Good one Ron ... keep 'em coming !
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Retired Community Manager

lemon1.jpg

 

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MAXINE SAYS:



 



It's OK to pretend we're Irish on St. Patrick's Day.We pretend we're good on Christmas don't we?



 



If you find a four leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.



 



Pinch me on St. Patrick's Day, and the roads gonna rise up to meet your face.



 



I actually saw a green leprechaun once. After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff.



 



Will you be bringing noisemakers to the St. Patrick's Day party? Or will you be hiring a sitter?



 



No green food for me. I get enough of that from my fridge.



 



I finally figured out why Leprechaun's dress so funny. They're single guys who've never had a wife. 



 



*****************************************************************



 

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Paddy, the famous Irishman,is driving home after downing a few beers at the local pub. He turns the corner and much to his horror sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it, and almost too late realizes there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again continuing to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees....

Moments later he hears a siren, and pulls his car to a stop. The officer asks him what on earth he's doing?

Paddy tells him the story of the trees in the road, and the officer stops him and says.....

"Paddy !!   Fer goodness sake, that's yer air freshener!!"

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MAXINE SAYS:

 

Will you be bringing noisemakers to the St. Patrick's Day party? Or will you be hiring a sitter?

 

No green food for me, I get enough of that from my own fridge.

 

It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

 

Kiss me !   I'm irate !

 

I finally figured out why Leprechauns dress so funny. They're single guys who've never had a wife.

 

Not all who wander are lost....

Just the people who spent too long at the parade.

 

May the wind at your back, not be the result of the corn beef and cabbage you had for lunch.

 

The invitation said, "Come as you are."

I came hungry.

 

I actually saw a leprechaun once..

After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff.

 

*******************    ****************    ************************

 

 

 

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Know how you can tell if you have the luck of the Irish?

 

ans:    Your bar stool is right next to the restroom.

 

 

 

 

 

You'll never plow a field, by turning it over in your mind...

 

 

IRISH DIPLOMACY...

 

The art of telling a man to go to hell, so that he looks forward to making the trip...

 

 

*******************************************

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                             CONFUSCIOUS SAY

 

 

 

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles,

 

That you realize...

 

There is always way to solve

 

Problems without

 

Using violence.

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A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra....

 

The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"

 

The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give Dad when his sh-- doesn't get hard?"

 

 

 

Lead me not into temptation...

Oh, Hell...

Just follow me, I know a shortcut.

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