SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

A recent article in a newspaper reported that a woman had sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex....

A hospital spokesperson replied that Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

[BonnieC10]

This pearl of history may have escaped you. I've always been a student of history, but didn't know this...

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Don't thank me. I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.

[BonnieC10]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, and was pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressivley more agitated when she asked, "What does it look like?"

The cop replied, "It's square, and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked in it, and handed it over....

"Here it is." she said. The blonde cop looked at it, handed it back to her and said, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[BonnieC10]

TO PUT A TWINKLE IN YOUR WRINKLE...

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "How was I born?"

The father says, "Well, I guess you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I met in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber café...

We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your Mom agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall.

And since it was too late to hit the delete button, 9 months later a little pop-up appeared that said, ...........

             YOU GOT MALE !

[BonnieC10]

According to Maxine:

"I believe fashion should say something about a person...

Mine says, I'm broke !"

What do kids need a spring break from?

Mooching off their parents at home, so they can mooch off their parents at the beach?"

"It's so cold, I am shaking as bad a s a couple of jelly donuts at a Weight Watcher's meeting!"

"Does shivering count as exercise?"

[BonnieC10]

                    SENIOR HUMOR

Patient to Doctor...

"Tell me Doc, do I come here often?"

                            ********

Elderly lady to salesclerk...

"Do you have this is in a size for people who actually eat?"

When I get old, I'm not going to sit around knitting. I'm going to be clicking on my Life Alert button, to see how many hot fire fighters show up !  

                         *********

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale, and a Southern Fairy tale?

The Northern Fairytale begins.. "Once upon a time.. and the Southern Fairytale begins.. "You ain't gonna believe this sh--!"  : )

[BonnieC10]

It's so cold in Maine.....

How cold is it?....

It's so cold, even the kids' butt cracks are finally covered up !

My girlfriend is so ugly....

How ugly is she?....

When she walks past the bathroom, the flush flushes all by itself..

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said, "DISNEYLAND LEFT"..

They started crying and turned around and went home.

Two blondes, living in Oklahoma, were sitting on a bench talking and one said to the other.."Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooo,can you see Florida?"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[LaDolceVita]

Hi Bonnie,  This one really did have me laughing out loud.

[BonnieC10]

Hi !      Glad you had a smile in your day...hope you find many more.

Bonnie

[BonnieC10]

  From an actual trial in the UK

A young woman, who was several months pregnant, was sitting in a bus, when she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and the on seeing him laughing more, she filed a court case on him.

In court the man's defense was:  "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon - The unknown Boon."

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving cream ad which read, "Williams Stick did the trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer, when on the third move she sat under a sign that read, "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed. The judge fell off his chair laughing..!

[BonnieC10]

             THE WAY WOMEN ARE.....

Hubby's message on her cell phone..."Honey, I've been hit by a car out of the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've done tests and x-rays. The blow to the head was very strong, but fortunately did not cause any serious injuries.

But, I have 3 broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.

Wife's response:

"Who's Paula???"

[BonnieC10]

Ever notice the older we get, the more we are like computers?

We start out with lots of memory and drive then, we eventually become outdated. We crash at odd moments. We acquire errors in our system...

And we have to have our parts updated and/or replaced.

HAVE A HAPPY !!

[BonnieC10]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.... I was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked what their names were.

She responded be saying one was named Rolex and one was named Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOOO... said the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"

[BonnieC10]

A lady goes into the confessional:

"Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night I killed a Congressman."

The Priest replies:

" My daughter, I'm here to listen to your sins.. not your community service work."

[BonnieC10]

Q.  Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

A. It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."..

        ******************************

Q. Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A.  They never let anyone finish a sentence.

              ***************************

Q.  Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A.  They want to.

                ************************

Q.  Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A. It interfers with their suffering.  :  ) 

[BonnieC10]

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY TO ALL ! 

 ( don't take any wooden nickels)

[BonnieC10]

WAYS YOU CAN TELL IT'S SPRING TIME IN MAINE....

10. Pickup trucks start plunging to the bottom of the ponds.

9.  Enough snow has melted that you can see the appliances in your backyard.

8.  You're finally able to wax what's left of your salt-riddled car.

7.  Football fans think Patriot's Day is in honor of the team.

6.  Your neighbor takes down her Christmas wreath.

5.  You take the snowplow off the truck so that your daughter looks 'real ladylike' when she picks up her prom date.

4.  Hannaford takes the snow tires off it's grocery carts.

3.  The oil man comes only once a week.

2.  Women no longer wear snowmobile boots with their dresses.

1.  You can finally see the yellow lines on the road and discover you've been driving on the wrong side all winter.

Bob Marley

[BonnieC10]

While driving in Pa., a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner abviously had a sens of humor, because attached to the back of the buggy was a hand painted sign that read:

Energy efficient vehicle.Runs on oats and grass. Caution !  Do not step in the exhaust!

[BonnieC10]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about 4 minutes in the exam room, she burst into screams and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what was wrong...

She told him her story, and he led her to another room to sit and relax. The older doctor marched down the hall to where the younger doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" Mrs. Terry is 71 yrs. old ,has 4 grown children and 7 grandchildren, and you told her she's pregnant?"

The young doctor smiled and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS:

It's National Humor Month....

You must be joking....  

[BonnieC10]

                 ALL PUNS INTENDED

A jumper cable walks into a bar...The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.. The kids were nothing to look at either.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A FSH...

Deja Moo:   The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[BonnieC10]

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into a pub and orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrow, but serves him three beers, which he promptly drinks.

An hour later, the man orders three more...

This happens yet again. The next evening, the same man orders and drinks three more beers, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."

Then one day he comes into the bar and only orders two beers.....

When questioned about only ordering two beers, he replies, "You see, I have two brothers, One went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond...."

The bartender quickly offered his condolences for the death of his brother...

"Oh no, they are alive and well.. I have decided to give up drinking for Lent."  

[BonnieC10]

Sitting in a bar with friends, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across from us at the bar and said, "That's us in 10 years."

My friend said, "That's a mirror dipsh--!"

My grandfather used to say that at least once in your lifetime you will need a doctor,lawyer and a preacher.....

But 3 times a day, every day, you need a farmer.

[BonnieC10]

During a long day of shopping, a couple of friends stopped in at Hooters for some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for awhile, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with...

I told her the one who knows how to fix elevators !   I'm old, somewhat tired, and I have to pee alot !

[BonnieC10]

If you think education is difficult.....try being stupid !

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,'Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put them back in , and when I finish it works like new... So how come I get a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running. " 

[BonnieC10]

A distraught senior citizen phones her doctor's office..

"Is it true," she wanted to know, " That the medication you prescribrd has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked..."NO REFILLS "

[BonnieC10]

HAVE YOURSELF A SIMPLE LITTLE EASTER CELEBRATION..

First head out to your barn to select 500 of the highest quality eggs from the prize-winning chickens you've been raising, and then decorate each one with a fun variety of brightly-colored dyes made from fresh berries you picked yourself.

Take a quick trip to Switzerland to get about 250lbs. of the best chocolate and carve yourself an 8-foot Easter Bunny as a table centerpiece.

Adorn your Easter table with 1,750 fresh tulips you picked from your gaeden, then prepare a sumptous 12-course Easter feast for 3,5000 of your closest and dearest friends.

Then, break for lunch.....

HAPPY EASTER  to all !    

[BonnieC10]

EASTER WITH MARTHA STEWART

[BonnieC10]

I've learned.... That the best classroom is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned ... That when you're in love it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned... That having a child fall to sleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned... That being kind, is more important than being right.

I've learned...That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned ....That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

[BonnieC10]

Two guys , one old, and one young, are pushing carts around Wal-Mart looking for their wives, when they collide.

"Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, " says the old guy.

The young guy replies, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too...I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you, what does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she's 27 yrs.old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom....wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter.....let's look for yours."