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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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                       THE BEST OF JOAN RIVERS

 

 

 

"No man ever put his hand up a woman's skirt looking for a library card!"

 

 

"I knew I was an unwanted baby, when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio!"

 

 

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For 3 years my husband and I slept in bunkbeds."

 

 

"I wish I had a twin, so I could see what I'd look like without plastic surgery."

 

 

"I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

 

 

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I would scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus. That way I 'd visit him everyday." 

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God Bless Joan! Real Guts! She would support this effort, I think:

 

PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY!
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 P.M.Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless America!!
P.S.  If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

 

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Did you know?

 

 

Line dancing was created by women waiting to go to the bathroom?

 

 

 

When a woman tells a man, "Correct me if I'm wrong...... DON'T !!

 

 

 

The most memorable people in life will be the friends who loved you even when you were not that lovable.

 

 

 

 

LANDSCAPING BUSINESS SIGN:

 

Spring is here...

I'm so excited, I wet my plants .

 

 

 

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup.

I just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever !

 

 

 

                         HAVE A SUPER SUNDAY !

 

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Subject: Senior Manifesto
 
RETIRED PERSON'S MANIFESTO ON HEALTH
 
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot.  It's the tortoise life for me!
 
1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years, and you tell me to exercise??  I don't think so.
 
I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
 
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
 
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
 
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
 
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
 
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
 
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
 
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
 
16. Itâs not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
 
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then              wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
20. DID I POST THIS BEFORE..........??????
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Last night I left my dentures under my pillow...

 

The tooth fairy must have come, because she left me a pile of Monopoly money, with a note that said....

 

"Nice try !!  "

 

 

 

 

                       A MARVELOUS MONDAY TO ALL !

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10 

 Prophets are going through the ceiling nell2

             LOL Graphic #14

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I heard about a guy that just started his own business and he is hiring new workers...

They are making land mines that look like prayer mats.

The business is doing unbelievably well...

He says Prophets are going through the ceiling.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that !"   I told her, You did it last week. !"      

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by jacobirose

       Hearts Graphic #4

Joan I think you are doing geat !   -nell

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

STAGES OF SUCCESS ~so true 🙂

        LOL Graphic #3

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                    QUOTE OF THE DAY

Whatever you give to a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smlle , she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So......... if you give her any crap, be ready to recieve a ton of sh-- !   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                     STAGES OF SUCCESS

 

At age 4, success is:    not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success is:  having friends

At age 16, success is:  having a driver's license.

At age 20, success is:  having sex

At age 35, success is:  having money

At age 50, success is:  having money

At age 60, success is: having sex

At age 70, success is: having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is:  having friends.

At age 80, success is:  not peeing in your pants!    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An old Italian man is dying...

He calls his grandson to his bedside.."Guido, I wan' you to lissina me.

I wan' you take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex instead?"

"You lissena me,boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed wid another man......

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "Time's up?"     

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I like Uncle Guido, I really do.

 
Subject: Law vs Psychology
FUNNY!!!!!
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university
library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
 
The girl replied in a loud voice:   " NO I DON'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
 
All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
 
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's
table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I guess
you felt embarrassed, right?
 
The guy then responded in a very loud voice, "$500 FOR
ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
 
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
 
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to
screw people".

 

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Redneck cont.:

 

 

 

21.   You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

 

 

22.   Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

 

 

23.   You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say, "Cool Whip" on the side.

 

 

24.   The biggest city you've ever been to is "Wal-Mart.

 

 

25.   Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV>

 

 

26.   You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

 

 

27.   A tornado hits your neighborhood, and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

 

 

28.   You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

 

 

29.   You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

 

 

30.   You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 m.p.h.

 

 

 

 

               Y'all have a good day now ya hear !

 

 

             

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IRANIAN AIR DEFENSE SITE:

 

 

" Unknown aircraft, you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

 

 

AIRCRAFT:

 

 

" This is a United States of America aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace!"

 

 

IRANIAN AIR DEFENSE SITE:

 

 

" You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft."

 

 

AIRCRAFT:

 

 

" This is a USA Marine Corps FA-18 Fighter. Send 'em up !    I'll wait!"

 

 

IRANIAN DEFENSE SITE:

 

 

   ( SILENCE)    

 

      

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I-65 will be closed tomorrow across Tennessee and Kentucky. They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal to Mt. Rushmore in So. Dakota, so they can add Obama to the Mt. Rushmore movement.

 

Obama has stated he believes himself to be the 4th greatest U.S. President, behind Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, but greater than Roosevelt.

 

They had to settle for coal, because they couldn't find a 200 ton piece of s---!

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HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND !
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While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make  small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, " I know how you feel. My Mom males me ride in the stroller too.

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                                      PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

 

 

1.   The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

 

6.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

 

HAVE A MARVELOUS MONDAY !    ☺

 

 

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Puns For Educated Minds cont.

 

 

7.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here I'll go on ahead."

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

 

 

                       HAVE A TERRIFIC TUESDAY

 

 

          

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PUNS cont.

 

 

14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, " Keep off the Grass."

 

15.  The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18.  In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In a feudalism its' your count that votes.

 

19.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20.  If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

22.  Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

 

23.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24.  Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

25.  Did you hear about the Buddist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:  transcend dental medication.

 

26.  A person sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh... No pun in ten did!

 

 

 

                    HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY !

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First-year students at the Texas A&M Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The Professor started the class by telling them, "In Veternary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an  example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

 

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger

and sucked on my index finger.....No learn to pay attention. Life's tough enough but it's even tougher if you're stupid!"

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One morning a grandmother was surprised that her 7 yr.old grandson had made her coffee.

 

Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found 3 little green soldiers at the bottom.

 

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my cup?"

 

Her grandson replied, "Like it says on TV Grandma.....  "The best part of waking up, is soldiers in your cup."  Smiley Very Happy

 

 

 

 

                         HAVE A FABULOUS FRIDAY !

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I met an older woman at a bar last night....

She looked pretty good for a 60+ year -old!

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all and I found myself

thinking she probably had a really HOT daughter.

 

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked..."Have you ever had a Sportman's Double?"

 

"What's that?" I asked.

 

"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome" she said.

My mind began to embrace the idea and I wondered what her daughter might look like..

 

I said, "No, I haven't".

 

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink....

"Tonight's your lucky night, my boy."

 

So we went back to her place and walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs................

 

'MOM, ARE YOU STILL AWAKE ?!!"   Smiley Surprised  

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.......

 

 

1. You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree...

 

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 

4. You burn your yard, rather than mow it.

 

5. You think, "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

 

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.

 

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

 

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

 

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

 

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

 

12. Your grandmother has, "ammo' on her Christmas list.

 

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

 

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

 

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

 

 

 

               A SUBLIME SUNDAY TO ALL !

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Redneck cont.

 

 

16.  You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

 

17.  You have a rag for a gas cap.

 

18.  Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

 

19.  You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean..

 

20.  You can spit without opening your mouth.

 

21.  You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.

 

22.  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

 

23.  You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say, "Cool Whip" on the side.

 

24.  The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

 

25.  Your working TV, sits on top of your non-working TV.

 

26.  You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

 

27.  A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

 

28.  You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

 

29.  You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

 

30.  You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 m.p.h.

 

 

 

                      HAVE A MARVELOUS MONDAY !

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HAPPY LABOR DAY TO ALL !
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Paul Newman founded the Hole In The Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A councelor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" ....blank stares...

 

"Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton."  An eight-year-old girl perked up "How long were you missing?"

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

 

ans:   FSH

 

 

 

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

 

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

 

"But why?"  they asked. "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer." he replied.

 

 

 

 

                       WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES

 

 

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

 

 

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said that the Pabst Beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer.   : (

 

 

 

 

                    A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY TO ALL !

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