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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                 Henny Youngman Italian style

 

A bomb fell on Italy... it slid off.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the new Italian navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old Italian navy.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC1

Henny Youngman's doctor jokes:

A doctor has a stethsoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "How do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me." 

 

A doctor says to a man, "You want to i mprove your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day."

Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you've been running?"

"I don't know....I'm 140 miles away!"   

 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?"

"Limp!"       

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Hi Nell, glad to see you're back in business ! 

 

Bonnie

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie

Im back for now AARP sent me a nice message and a new sign in woo hoo nell

 ALL PUNS INTENED ....... LOL 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                      ALL PUNS INTENDED

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was salted.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wans't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

              A SHORT STORY ABOUT ME

 

One day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

That would be me.......

But, that was a long time ago, and that was just for one day.    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying," Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."  Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!"  I AM 60 !! "See, what did I tell you?"

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

A SIGN FOR YOUR DESK:

 

This isn't an office.....

It's hell with a flourescent light bulb!    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                          SHORT STORY

 

Man driving down the road....

Woman driving up the road....

They pass each other and the woman yells out... "PIG !"

The man yells out......

"Bitch!"

The man rounds the curve, hits a pig in the middle of the road and dies .

Thought for the day.....

If men would just listen !    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                        BUMPAH STICKAHS

 

Support BINGO..... keep Grandma off the streets.

Good bye tension...hello pension !

I've been diagnosed with CRS...can't remember sh-- !

I'm Retired..

I was tired yesterday,

I'm tired again today.                   

Retirement Planning & Consultants....

Fishmore & Doolittle

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him...

The horse I bet on was so slow...the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turned around and said, "Why are you hitting me, there's nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I ever saw a horse start from a kneeling position....

My horse was so late getting home, he tip toed into the stable.

By Henny Youngman

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter... 10 were men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return,

As soon as she finished her speech.......

All the men started clapping......        

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

     HAPPY LABOR DAY EVERYONE !  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Two guys are drinking in a bar...

1 says, "Did you know that during mating season elks have sex 10-15 times a night?"

"Aw crap !!!" says his friend. "And I just joined the VFW !"    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 Bonnie,a  great one-lol love it

 The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet...a nail. 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A little girl asks her father....

"Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No sweetie, a whole series of fairy tales begin with,  'If elected I promise."     

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 A Royal Flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are. "lol   

     LOL Graphic #26

  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day nd they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven...

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,so the Angel must decide which of them gets in...

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity!"    

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes out a bottle of Perrier from her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever....

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?"    

"I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!!!  Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly," says the Angel," but even in Heaven, ......

 

A Royal Flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are. "      

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Even Walter , is not secure these days! A travesty!

Walter.png

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Wicked funny !!!
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet..... a nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night ! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings.!

This is an elegant hotel!  Room service has an unlisted number....

My room is so small...the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window.   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

ATTORNEY:  

"What gear were you wearing at the time of impact?"

WITNESS:

" Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Close GITMO immediately !  Release all prisoners from the back of a C-130 aircraft at an altitude of 20,000 feet over Mecca & Medina !   

 

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed.... It was a Chinese restaurant..  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

A  couple of oldies:

"What would you like for dinner my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"  My wife yelled from the kitchen..

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're having soup, I was talking to the cat!"    

 

 

Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.....

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is very exciting, and they enjoy themselves immensely mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still had a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it, and how many players are on base?"

 

ANSWER:

 

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.!      

 

 

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 Bonnie I can't believe you lol love it 

  " I can't picture your husband as a blond!'

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery...

The first women said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."    

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of getting my a$$h--- bleached!"

"WHOA!"  replied the first, I can't picture your husband as a blonde!"    

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This seems to refer to men only, but, it goes for older women, too, of course:

Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager:  "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man :  "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager:  "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man :  "I don't really give a **bleep**what you think."

 

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Now THAT"S honest !! lol
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                                  HICKPHONICS

 

 

 

 

HEIDI................Greeting

 

 

BARD................. Past tense of 'to borrow' My brother bard my car

 

 

JAWJUH.............A state just north of Florida. Capital..Hot-Lanta

 

 

MUNTS.............. A calander division. Haven't been thar in munts!

 

 

 

FAR.................. "That things gonna catch far"

 

 

BAHS................ "Get to work or your bahs is gonna far you !"

 

 

TIRE................. "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I hope to   see the Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

"

 

RETARD.............."My grandpa retard at the age of 65."

 

 

TARRED.............. "I just flew in from Hot lanta, and boy are my arms ever tarred !"

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HICKPHONICS cont.

 

 

 

FARN......."I cuddin't unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

 

 

 

DID......... Not alive... "He's did, Jim!"

 

 

 

Ear.......... "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear !"

 

 

 

BOB WAR...." Boy, stay away from that bob war fence!"

 

 

JEW HERE... "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

 

 

HAZE......... "Is Bubba smart?"  "Nah ...haze ignert."

 

 

SEED........ "Bubba Seed are bard pickup."   ( saw borrowed)

 

 

GUMMIT..... "Them gummit boys shore are ignert!"  ( government)

 

 

 

              HAVE A FABULOUS FRIDAY !

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