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Living life as a widow/ widower

Alone after 51 years of being a wife to a wonderful man. Years of wonderful memories and then those caregiving years at the end. It’s been 5 years since my husbands death but it seems like yesterday. I miss him. I miss the closeness, the touching, the loving looks, waking up beside him and kissing him goodnight. I miss knowing I was loved and the confidence that comes with that knowledge. I’m adrift. Oh! I look good on the outside. Getting it all done and holding it together. But I’m lonely at times. Women friends are nice but.... I miss male companionship. The fellows I know are either married, have medical problems, or looking for that 55 year old chick to make them feel young. I’d love a male companion. How about you? 

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April, 2020 will be two years for me as a widow.  I'm sad to hear that at the three year mark is no better.  Yikes!  This sadness and emotional outbursts are a bit much for me.  I've been dealing with Shingles (get vaccine) and nerve pain awful.  Worst pain I've had.

 

Keep talking and reaching out it helps me a lot.

Regular Contributor

I too am a two year old widow.  It doesn’t get better however the emotional don’t last all day.

 

 

 

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In the last year I’ve been fighting shingles mostly the nerve pain. This experience is making me realize in no uncertain terms, that I’m Alone!, Which I am now kinda ready to live My life on my terms. I had to put down my twelve year old lab two weeks after the memorial. I was so depressed I adopted two puppies. Crazy I kinda thought but they are my Angels.
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My has been 8yrs and it is still bad for me not sleeping still talk about him all the time

Periodic Contributor

Thank you for your kindness. Yes I am still reeling and even questioning. But, I am glad we talked about these moment before the situation arrived.  

Yes i miss her so much,but I will live on do the work that I promised her I would compete.  Thanks again for your words.

My daughter and I are even closer now. She is GREAT!!

 

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We have been married for 49 years and cannot imagine the loneliness and pain felt at the loss of a loved one.  As with many couples, we have had good times as well as bad but we managed to get through them and move forward.  As I look at pictures we’ve taken over the years it’s hard to believe how much we’ve changed through aging. Medical issues that we never imagined would affect us have slowed us down and we find ourselves occupied with doctors’ appointments, physical therapy sessions, and various medications.  Despite these inconveniences we are glad to be alive and believe there is more to life than these interruptions. To wake up each day, see the sun and the marvels of creation, makes one wonder if we are on the earth to live just a few years and eventually die. It seems when we reach an age when we can enjoy the fruits of our labor, life ends.  When we analyze the way we were created isn’t it possible that we were created to live indefinitely?  When I’ve examined that question, I found that man and woman were created with eternal life in view.  As amazing as that sounds my skepticism led me to research that question.  First, I knew that  no self-help book written by a human would provide a satisfying answer. Second, as I dug, my investigation took me to an unassailable author – Almighty God. As simplistic as that sounds, who can offer a more satisfying answer to our questions? I found great comfort in knowing that if we lose our mate, the Bible offers comfort through the hope of a resurrection.  It provides proof by supplying actual accounts of nine [9] past resurrections.  I encourage you to read these accounts because you will feel the sheer happiness relatives of those individuals felt when reunited with their loved ones. What straightforward comfort these passages give. Most of all, this author cannot lie.  Of course, these accounts might seem unbelievable to many, but it takes faith reinforced by a careful examination of the Bible to appreciate the reliability of this promise. If we lose a loved one we have the hope of seeing them again through this marvelous provision. The Bible does not give a date when this will occur, but it does reveal that circumstances on the earth would deteriorate to an abominable state in a short timeframe. As we see these prophecies fulfilled, now is not the time to lose hope.  Find out what wonderful opportunity the Bible offers to obedient mankind.

If you would like more information, please consult the website jw.org and feel free to write me.

Periodic Contributor

Have a wonderfully blessed day, God Blessed you. 

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Periodic Contributor

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I value your suggestions, like to write down the feelings I have, and see how that changes over time. Also, to keep the best memories of my husband and to take time healing. Thank you.
Periodic Contributor

Your so very welcome, I just had to share with you what my experience was like.

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I just read what you have written and yes it is challenging to meet new persons to just be around.  You have put into words what I am feeling right now the grief and I have learned that no matter how long my late husband Richard is not here with me any more, he was my best friend and I was his best friend also, when I was dealing with having Congested heart failure he took care of me and when I was better his blood flow in his legs dried up and he was in a lot of pain, I took care of him at home even when he could no longer walk in the 10 years of knowing him and he had the talk with me before he transition. He said lets face it I will not be here anymore and when you are ready move on to meet someone new. That for me was very important to hear Richard said that and mean it before he took his last breath a week later. I have been alone for 12 years and now I can laugh at the things he did that made me laugh. I have kept myself busy by taking classes also my granddaughter calls me Nana, last year on July 22, my 87 year old mom breath her last breath. and it just been a year since she is gone also I am missing my dad and my brothers, Aunts, uncles and others that have transition before my sister and myself like my grandparents. Right now I am just going through but I am okay. It is hard when I had to reteach myself how to downsize my dishes for one person and it is okay.

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My heart goes out to anyone in this "club."  It is a tough one, for sure. I was widowed at age 57 after being with my husband for 37 years. We met when I was age 20, so I had never really been a full adult on my own. My heart was broken to lose him.  He had been very healthy and then got hit hard with cancer and was gone in 8 months.  We have three grown children and my first grandchild was born 7 weeks after my husband died. So there was joy amidst the tears. Having children helps but it doesn't take away the primary pain...It is not a substitute.  However, it is a comfort. On the other hand, I could also feel their grief at losing their father. He was a wonderful man.  We all know that death and loss is part of life, but we also all hope loss will be delayed. I would tell people that I could have easily enjoyed another three decades with Tim. But God or destiny had other plans. 

 

I did not date, but a few months after the 5-year mark, I felt the soul of my husband bless me and tell me to be open to love and it was coming soon. I was floored because my defense mechanism was to say I had topped out with Tim and I wasn't looking. The next day a friendship with an old family friend started to blossom in a special way. We were careful to take it slowly each step of the way because we didn't want to risk losing the friendship for the sake of a romance. But now have both love and friendship.  I think of it as God's grace... 

 

So, no matter what - if you are widowed, take the time to develop your friendships and your hobbies. It can be lonely to live alone and eat alone, etc. If so, seek out some solutions...I wish you all the best. 

Periodic Contributor

I wish I could get back in another relationship after living 23 years without my beloved husband but I believed I've hardened off.  I had a neighbor who tried for those 23 years without me even having coffee with him - I just wasn't interested.  The first time I saw my husband, I was l0 years old and he called me a brat because I was crying about my dog.  Had known his oldest brother and cousin since I was 5 because they worked at the same place as my father.  I had always wanted to work since I was 12 and I started putting up my age by 21/2 years at 14.  Anyway, my uncle's girlfriend asked if I wanted to go with her to apply for a job and I did.  Didn't know you had to be 18 and I was 15, so I figured if I told them I was turning 18 in a couple of months I would get hired and I did.  I met my husband for the 2nd time when he asked if I needed a ride home and it took him 3 days to catch up with because I thought he was married even though he gave me his phone number.  We had no idea that were were the same 2 people because he thought my father had an older daughter.  He tried for 3 months to romance me but I did not want a one-night stand and I wasn't looking for a husband, so I let him into my heart.  We had the most beautiful life together for 27 years before he passed.  He even offered me a divorce when he found out saying that I was a young woman (44)  and I needed a man to take care of me and I told him no because I was in it for the long haul and I believed in my marriage vowel and he was so floored that I could see it in his face. 

We had 2 children together and I was glad they were grown when he passed because I don't think I could have handled it otherwise.  From the 2 kids, we got 6 grandsons and now 2 great granddaughters and 1 great grandson.  We ended up losing our 2nd born grandson 3 years ago a week before Christmas.  My daughter and I haven't spoken to each other for 3 years because she had this friend that turned up a few months after my husband died and before she met her husband and my intution then told me he was sneaky and I thought I would never see him again but when he and wife wasn't getting along, he shows up 23 years later and my intuition was right the first time because now they were making plans to betogether and trying to involve me but my morals don't work like that.  I couldn't believe that because my son-in-law had this beaugitful relationship of respect for each other that my child would plot with her friend (because my son-in-law treated me the same way my husband treated my mother) would come up with a scheme to make me think I was moving with them to another state simply because my son-in-law would always come get me when they house hunting and tell me what room was going to be mine.   Their scheming was actually a blessing in disguise because I moved into a beautiful facitlity.  My daughter also dislike the fact that my oldest grandson loves his grandmother and that I don't get..

At one point I was thinking did she think her father was her man and she hated me because she

says he spoiled me.

At this point in my life I wouldn't want to be cruel to a man and it's not that I feel I'm cheating on my husband, but this man would be living in my husband's shodow which my son pointed out to me.  Being along isn't bad at all for me because I've alway been a homebody and I've already told some of the family that when I can no longer take care of myself, I will leave this world my way.  I am writing a book so I sincerely hope this wasn't a lot of rattling or too much information - just sharing. 

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Regular Contributor

Thanks for this.

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Periodic Contributor

Your very welcome.

 

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The pain of grief is both universal and unsharable. We can only understand out own pain, but I was surprised to see the description of the shock of facing the death of a loved one clearly described in a light weight novel. That had to come from a real experience.

 

Dating is dreadful, too much higharchy and sexism, but don't be afraid to go out with those health problems. I have lost as many healthies as sickies, and if it because they only talk about their health, they are probably bored and lonely, not self-centered. People often blossom when you get to know them - except for real egotists - red flag there.

 

Get to know more undatable people, some are truly interesting, and also social connections work via networking just like work connections.

Regular Contributor

Nearing my goal for SSA benefits, I was downsized, nursed my husband post elective surgery, lost my husband unexpectedly (the paperwork, the lost e-photos) , got diagnosed with cancer, had to euthanize my pets and had to sell my house, all in a matter of days. Two years on, I would love to work part time, volunteer for good causes, and become active in community. My health is really too poor for any of those, but I am too healthy for assisted living - talk about your do-nut hole!

 

Re-invent is not the right word, maybe re-identify. 

 

I would love to hang out with guys, other than sports (zzz), I love guy talk. Guys are thin on the ground.

 

I would love to live near my adult child but she is overseas, and visas are complicated.

 

I am trying to be more involved with my local senior center, I am working out with a fitness coach, I am learning to travel alone (trains are better than planes, but harder to get to). Loneliness is painful, but boredom is far worse. My next effort is to try to figure out how to find and vet and join online interest groups.

Regular Contributor

Not a good thing to have in common. How are you coping?

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Periodic Contributor

Not sure how to start. I lost a wonderful woman six weeks ago. we had been married for 47 years. We have  one beautiful daughter.

I miss her so much. We worked in the community and in our chosen vocations. She truly made me a better human being. I am not sure what the days will bring. but I promised her I would not give up. I dwalk thrru days in a fog.  Will try to finish at another time.

Regular Contributor

I'm sorry about your loss. If you want to talk, feel free to get in touch.

Regular Contributor

Thank you for inviting reply. Not sure where this reply is going  (I am super stupid re computers - but I do not get drawn into them either, and have even done maintenance from home) because I cannot find 1, 2, 3 type steps. If you are a person, are you a member or a site manager? Just want to share one thing about support groups. I have only been in one, it was all women, and the lay leader would open wounds, but did not have the skills to go further. I liked all the ladies, but just poking the pain was destructive to me. Years ago, my daughter's college UU group tried the same amateur psychology - she defended the poor victim and thoughly scolded the group about respect and dignity and that support does not equal harm. 

Regular Contributor

Just a quick note that is positive. After 2 1/2 days of wondering if I will always be in a mental and physical fog of fatigue, I have had 2 days of feeling like a normal person. It is like a huge suffocating weight is lifted. If it has happened with me, then it must, and will, happen to lots of people.