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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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I just read what you have written and yes it is challenging to meet new persons to just be around.  You have put into words what I am feeling right now the grief and I have learned that no matter how long my late husband Richard is not here with me any more, he was my best friend and I was his best friend also, when I was dealing with having Congested heart failure he took care of me and when I was better his blood flow in his legs dried up and he was in a lot of pain, I took care of him at home even when he could no longer walk in the 10 years of knowing him and he had the talk with me before he transition. He said lets face it I will not be here anymore and when you are ready move on to meet someone new. That for me was very important to hear Richard said that and mean it before he took his last breath a week later. I have been alone for 12 years and now I can laugh at the things he did that made me laugh. I have kept myself busy by taking classes also my granddaughter calls me Nana, last year on July 22, my 87 year old mom breath her last breath. and it just been a year since she is gone also I am missing my dad and my brothers, Aunts, uncles and others that have transition before my sister and myself like my grandparents. Right now I am just going through but I am okay. It is hard when I had to reteach myself how to downsize my dishes for one person and it is okay.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Thanks for this.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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My heart goes out to anyone in this "club."  It is a tough one, for sure. I was widowed at age 57 after being with my husband for 37 years. We met when I was age 20, so I had never really been a full adult on my own. My heart was broken to lose him.  He had been very healthy and then got hit hard with cancer and was gone in 8 months.  We have three grown children and my first grandchild was born 7 weeks after my husband died. So there was joy amidst the tears. Having children helps but it doesn't take away the primary pain...It is not a substitute.  However, it is a comfort. On the other hand, I could also feel their grief at losing their father. He was a wonderful man.  We all know that death and loss is part of life, but we also all hope loss will be delayed. I would tell people that I could have easily enjoyed another three decades with Tim. But God or destiny had other plans. 

 

I did not date, but a few months after the 5-year mark, I felt the soul of my husband bless me and tell me to be open to love and it was coming soon. I was floored because my defense mechanism was to say I had topped out with Tim and I wasn't looking. The next day a friendship with an old family friend started to blossom in a special way. We were careful to take it slowly each step of the way because we didn't want to risk losing the friendship for the sake of a romance. But now have both love and friendship.  I think of it as God's grace... 

 

So, no matter what - if you are widowed, take the time to develop your friendships and your hobbies. It can be lonely to live alone and eat alone, etc. If so, seek out some solutions...I wish you all the best. 

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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The pain of grief is both universal and unsharable. We can only understand out own pain, but I was surprised to see the description of the shock of facing the death of a loved one clearly described in a light weight novel. That had to come from a real experience.

 

Dating is dreadful, too much higharchy and sexism, but don't be afraid to go out with those health problems. I have lost as many healthies as sickies, and if it because they only talk about their health, they are probably bored and lonely, not self-centered. People often blossom when you get to know them - except for real egotists - red flag there.

 

Get to know more undatable people, some are truly interesting, and also social connections work via networking just like work connections.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Nearing my goal for SSA benefits, I was downsized, nursed my husband post elective surgery, lost my husband unexpectedly (the paperwork, the lost e-photos) , got diagnosed with cancer, had to euthanize my pets and had to sell my house, all in a matter of days. Two years on, I would love to work part time, volunteer for good causes, and become active in community. My health is really too poor for any of those, but I am too healthy for assisted living - talk about your do-nut hole!

 

Re-invent is not the right word, maybe re-identify. 

 

I would love to hang out with guys, other than sports (zzz), I love guy talk. Guys are thin on the ground.

 

I would love to live near my adult child but she is overseas, and visas are complicated.

 

I am trying to be more involved with my local senior center, I am working out with a fitness coach, I am learning to travel alone (trains are better than planes, but harder to get to). Loneliness is painful, but boredom is far worse. My next effort is to try to figure out how to find and vet and join online interest groups.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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I can relate very much. Death is an experience that no one else can relate to, unless they've experienced it. It sounds like when you go out with the couples you did with you partner that its different and even boring because you are different now.  I would consider myself as more experienced in understanding a part of life that they may not know.  They still have a partner and you don't.  I feel that the older I get the more accustomed we become to death, because it's just a part of life. The way we approach it is what counts and shows who we are.  I heard all of the things people say after losing a partner:  time heals all things; take one step at a time or one day at a time; get involved in new things; join a new club, etc. It's easy to say, but more difficult to do.  I think it all comes down to change. The older we get the less we like change, even though it is inevitable. For me, I've had to see my new life as a journey, a process and recognize that if I don't like the path I'm walking, then walk a new path.  One that does make me happy.  I can't fill in my loss with another person.  It is learning a new way to live my new life without him.  I chose to move because the same house meant the same routines and I needed to let go of what I was, although I still have memories.  I can't say I'm happier, but I've learned to appreciate those moments I do have of happiness much more. The friendships I have are much deeper now.  Everyone experiences grief and loss in a very different way.  It is about allowing those moments of sadness and know that I'm going to live on with the  resilience to keep on living and experiencing life's journey.  I look at life as a totally new experience - now I can do anything I want and go anywhere.  I need to be complete in who I am first, because there is a new part of me now. There may be men who show up along the way.  I recognize that I can't be the person I was and if I want to have something or someone new, I need to change and be the new me, so there's room for someone new.  It's different for everyone, but these are my thoughts. Blessings.

Alexandria A
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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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I am widowed for 1 1/2 years now.  I think I am coping.  I feel bored as all my friends are couples...the people we always hung around with.     They take me places but it is not the same.  I would love to have a friend to go to the movies with or just be social with.  Not sure I want a relationship as I was in one for 40 years.  Can't imagine another one.   It sounds silly but I suppose it would be one step at a time.   My kids are nearby and that is nice. My 94 year old mother lilves wth me but is deaf so there is no talking.  I think I need to join something.   I retired Jan 2017 and he died the end of the month.  I am just sort of existing but not really living the way I would like to.  

 

Can anyone relate?

 

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Not a good thing to have in common. How are you coping?

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Your story and mine are so similar. I especially  don’t like to eat dinner alone. I have women friends and I do my best filling my days. I’d love to have a male friend not necessarily a lover but most I know are married, have medical problems or are looking for the 50 year old to boost their ego. I think I have a lot to offer and I’m not going to be a nurse or a purse for any man. Just a good male friend is all I want. I think. 

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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I understand how living with one person for so long connects us to them on so many different levels.  There will never be another husband like the one you had.  However, the emptiness that is being felt can be filled in so many other ways without requiring it to come from another person. Consider how long your relationship was and many years it took to reach the level that it did.  Those would be very difficult shoes to fill for any man.  As a woman, I suggest that you find your personal passion.  Find what make you feel fufilled and complete, in a new way.  Loving yourself always comes before we love other or others can love us.  Find that love again within yourself first and it will come.  You have everything that you need already, you need only to look inside.  Read Dr. Eric Pearl's The Reconnection.  Take up Yoga, Pilates, Waterskiing, or find or hire a work out partner. Take belly dancing classes, or travel.  List all of the things that you want to do in your life and start doing them.  Gal pals, friends are still very important. Grief Groups are also a great way to deal with the loss of someone, even after 5 years.... wishing you well. 

Alexandria A
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